I know
So it's 0430 hours and I have yet to go to bed. It just isn't happening...so I decided to take someone's advice and just write. I don't know why but I'll just ramble a bit. That beign said, I urge you not to read this as it will likely be horribly mangled and make zed sense. I realized when AIM checked my AOL mail that I haven't looked at AOL mail in a couple weeks and all I ever get is junk mail but I still check it every so often to delete the junk mail. I wonder, if e-mail had emotions somehow, would junk mail feel sad when it was blocked, deleted, and ignored, or would it just be emotionless clones since it's not sent with real feeling, but just bulk produced and sent without regard for the recipient? Anyway, yeah...I would almost feel sorry for bulk mail if it did have feelings. I guess that's the reason I'm still awake...feelings. Have you ever had that feeling from free fall, like at the top of a swing or an elevator trip or whatever? It almost feels like that, more akin to a vacuum in my torso, really. Every time I think about going to bed, this vacuum appears and I feel my throat clench from the pull from deep in my chest. When I look at my desktop, that feeling subsides some but if I start to let my mind meander on its own in any small amount, the feeling returns. It makes sleep impossible. Which will make my doctor's appointment tomorrow interesting. I'm seeing the doctor tomorrow at approximately 1000. He had me take like five more vials of blood plus a urine sample last time I was there. This brings me up to I think four total visits to a physician of some kind for this problem, 12 vials of blood (varying sized, up to the size of one of the big Marks-A-Lot permanent markers like is on the desk here), one urine sample, and zero answers into what's going on. I do know that last friday I got a bit under the influence (only a bit, mind you) and that next evening, my forearms felt like they were being run over by bulldozers...only they were like that one Greek myth dude's liver so they kept regenerating for me to feel it anew. They ached on their own, holding a cheesestick was pretty heavy, and a small glass of milk almost drove me to tears. Almost, but not quite. I don't let myself cry that easily. I told that to Katie today since her and I were talking and I didn't think she knew and it pertained to the subject at hand. I don't do it on purpose most of the time. Sometimes I don't want to do it and fight it, other times my body just stops on it's own. Like I have my own special way of crying that involves my eyes watering and then I'm done. Who knows. Ok, this is probably way too long with way too few paragraph breaks for anyone to have bothered reading and I am about to start discussing Nutri-Grain bars and how many I've eaten in the past two days so I'll close it up and say good night to all.