Mixed emotions...
Excitement and fear, hope and worry, answers and questions, all tossed in a blender and pureèd == eyes springing open with a BOING! sound when a tired xnera lays down to sleep.
It all started a week ago Friday when I finally went back to therapy. I woke up that morning feeling good. Because I had something to do that day. Because I was taking care of my self. Because I was finally taking some baby steps. Hope returned.
That evening I went to a meeting of the local camera club. The members were warm and welcoming, and I saw so many beautiful pictures. My heart cried out with joy. This is where I belong, surrounded by these creative people who can see beauty in the ordinary, who tell stories with camera, film and light. I went home that night exhausted and energized, ready to be creative myself, and ready to find other sources of creativity.
The surge of positiveness carried through the weekend. Monday came, and suddenly I was sending out resumes and applying to jobs. I did my taxes and sent them in, so that I would get a refund quickly and wouldn't have to rely on my parents for money so much. I was doing good. I was on a roll.
But then came Valentine's day.
It had been on my mind for a while. How could it not? I had met my boyfriend on Valentine's 2002, when I decided to go out with friends instead of sitting home alone moping. The start of our relationship was rooted in the romantic, a perfect story to tell the grandchildren sometime. So as Valentine's 2003 loomed near, I began to feel the pressure of our relationship and what exactly it meant. And I couldn't figure it out. I wish I knew exactly where we were headed, if we were really meant to be. I wish I could tell him I loved him and I'd be his forever. It would make such a good story, and I do love my fairytales.
But I could not. I'm still confused about this crazy little thing called love, what it is, what it entails, what it means. I could not bring myself to say the words, knowing that they might not be true. We had a nice Valentine's day. He made London broil and lit the fire, and I dressed up nice. It was comfy and cozy and yes, a bit romantic. It was what I needed it to be. It just wasn't what I wished it could be.
So the doubts started creeping back in. Doubts about my relationship, about who I am and where I'm headed in life, and it was in this sad state of mind when I realized late Saturday night that Sunday would be the four month anniversary of my firing from my job. Four months of unemployment, with only two months of benefits left.
I plummented. I had scary thoughts of giving up and giving in. It was a long, long night, but I survived, which sometimes is all I can do.
For most of Sunday I was quiet and withdrawn, worried, plagued with doubts about everything in my life. But I managed to play LOTR Risk with Roger, even laughing a bit in the process. And then we sat down on the couch to play some Buffy and some Munch, and we leaned on each others' shoulders as we passed the controller back and forth when our characters died, and I was reminded of just how comfortable I am around him and how much I simply enjoy his company.
Sunday evening I opened up and we had a long talk about various things. It was good.
Things are starting to look up. I had a phone interview this morning for a very promising position that would pay the same as my old job, but would have flexible hours and more opportunities to be creative. I'm really excited about the position, but there's also fear. What if I can't handle all the phone work it requires? What if I miscalculate the traveling time requirements and am late to an appointment? I am worried, but I am sure a little worry is normal. Right now my job is to complete the video presentation and get it in the mail by Friday. That's what I need to focus on.
This evening I received an email from an author whose work I highly admire and whose bullentin board I frequent regularly, inviting me to participate in a private listserv she's setting up. I'm honored and thrilled at the invitation, and looking forward to interacting with the list members.
So yes, things have been looking up. But the worry and doubt are still there, looming large enough to keep me awake at night when I should be sleeping soundly. I'm excited about the future, but I wonder if I will ever be worry-free.
It all started a week ago Friday when I finally went back to therapy. I woke up that morning feeling good. Because I had something to do that day. Because I was taking care of my self. Because I was finally taking some baby steps. Hope returned.
That evening I went to a meeting of the local camera club. The members were warm and welcoming, and I saw so many beautiful pictures. My heart cried out with joy. This is where I belong, surrounded by these creative people who can see beauty in the ordinary, who tell stories with camera, film and light. I went home that night exhausted and energized, ready to be creative myself, and ready to find other sources of creativity.
The surge of positiveness carried through the weekend. Monday came, and suddenly I was sending out resumes and applying to jobs. I did my taxes and sent them in, so that I would get a refund quickly and wouldn't have to rely on my parents for money so much. I was doing good. I was on a roll.
But then came Valentine's day.
It had been on my mind for a while. How could it not? I had met my boyfriend on Valentine's 2002, when I decided to go out with friends instead of sitting home alone moping. The start of our relationship was rooted in the romantic, a perfect story to tell the grandchildren sometime. So as Valentine's 2003 loomed near, I began to feel the pressure of our relationship and what exactly it meant. And I couldn't figure it out. I wish I knew exactly where we were headed, if we were really meant to be. I wish I could tell him I loved him and I'd be his forever. It would make such a good story, and I do love my fairytales.
But I could not. I'm still confused about this crazy little thing called love, what it is, what it entails, what it means. I could not bring myself to say the words, knowing that they might not be true. We had a nice Valentine's day. He made London broil and lit the fire, and I dressed up nice. It was comfy and cozy and yes, a bit romantic. It was what I needed it to be. It just wasn't what I wished it could be.
So the doubts started creeping back in. Doubts about my relationship, about who I am and where I'm headed in life, and it was in this sad state of mind when I realized late Saturday night that Sunday would be the four month anniversary of my firing from my job. Four months of unemployment, with only two months of benefits left.
I plummented. I had scary thoughts of giving up and giving in. It was a long, long night, but I survived, which sometimes is all I can do.
For most of Sunday I was quiet and withdrawn, worried, plagued with doubts about everything in my life. But I managed to play LOTR Risk with Roger, even laughing a bit in the process. And then we sat down on the couch to play some Buffy and some Munch, and we leaned on each others' shoulders as we passed the controller back and forth when our characters died, and I was reminded of just how comfortable I am around him and how much I simply enjoy his company.
Sunday evening I opened up and we had a long talk about various things. It was good.
Things are starting to look up. I had a phone interview this morning for a very promising position that would pay the same as my old job, but would have flexible hours and more opportunities to be creative. I'm really excited about the position, but there's also fear. What if I can't handle all the phone work it requires? What if I miscalculate the traveling time requirements and am late to an appointment? I am worried, but I am sure a little worry is normal. Right now my job is to complete the video presentation and get it in the mail by Friday. That's what I need to focus on.
This evening I received an email from an author whose work I highly admire and whose bullentin board I frequent regularly, inviting me to participate in a private listserv she's setting up. I'm honored and thrilled at the invitation, and looking forward to interacting with the list members.
So yes, things have been looking up. But the worry and doubt are still there, looming large enough to keep me awake at night when I should be sleeping soundly. I'm excited about the future, but I wonder if I will ever be worry-free.