(no subject)
school was easy today. it wasnt as stressful as I thought it was going to be. I had office and then Ryan brought me to drop off my cousins PS2 in West Haven. then we went to The Parth so I could eat and then dropped Mike off at home and then dropped me off
I came online and Jason IMed me:
ferrari1182004 (6:02:50 PM): We need to talk
ferrari1182004 (6:02:53 PM): now
Reject Ren (6:02:57 PM): yeah I know we do
ferrari1182004 (6:03:10 PM): not online i don't do that
ferrari1182004 (6:03:15 PM): can i call you
Reject Ren (6:03:32 PM): yeah. give my cell phone a call in like 5 minutes
Ashley came outside with me and I talked with him for about 15 minutes. he was like, "okay, whats the deal? I saw you give me dirty looks today and youve been avoiding me. why?" and I so I started to cry (of course) and I told him that ever since I started talking to him freshman year Ive had this crush on him and sophomore year it turned into more than that. I told him that I never ever want to fall in love with anyone ever again because I found out that it just hurts too much. I told him that all the times Ive been a bitch to him for no reason has just been because I was trying to get over him by not talking to him. he told me that he understood because of the things he went through with Katie (grrrrr) but he also said that he would rather have me talk about it with him than keep it all inside. I agreed and told him that from now on I would just talk to him about what was on my mind
at one point I told him that as of last week I had no intentions of ever talking to him ever again. he kind of sighed and said that he knew that, but he didnt want that to happen because he enjoys my friendship and likes hanging out with me. he said that the days he came over after school when I had poison ivy he really enjoyed. he said he liked just hanging out and sittin and talkin. and I liked those days too
he asked me how I wanted him to be around me. like if I wanted him to still give me hugs and stuff. I told him yes, I want him to still be the same way because I like being like that with him and if we were any other way with each other it would just be weird. I promised him that if it started getting too hard for me to handle then I would tell him nicely to back off a little bit and he promised he would do that. I know it wont be easy being like that with him and getting over him at the same time, but I really do like his friendship. no matter what anyone says he is a good person inside. maybe Im just the only one who can see that. I want to be friends with him and be able to just enjoy a friendship and not feel heartbroken every time he walks away from me
he told me that he had plans on bitching me out tomorrow. he said he was going to come outside at lunch and do it today but he saw that I was with my friends and he didnt want to create an akward situation for anyone. Im really glad he didnt do that, cause I would have flipped on him. I would have told him everything that I told him today.. how I love him, how hes distroyed me on the inside, how I never want to love anyone again and its all his fault.. but I wouldnt have said it at nicely as I did when I talked to him. I would havebeen angry. and I probably would have punched him in the throat
Im really glad that he called and that I got to say what I said to him. I feel like a big weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I can breathe easier now and I know itll be even better tomorrow when I see him and give him the first hug in two weeks. everything should be getting better now. Ill move on. hell, maybe Ill even find a new boy. but I wont fall in love. that I will never ever do again. ever
Hope is comin at 8 and Im going with her to go get Dairy Queen and talk about boys and stuff. fun fun
I came online and Jason IMed me:
ferrari1182004 (6:02:50 PM): We need to talk
ferrari1182004 (6:02:53 PM): now
Reject Ren (6:02:57 PM): yeah I know we do
ferrari1182004 (6:03:10 PM): not online i don't do that
ferrari1182004 (6:03:15 PM): can i call you
Reject Ren (6:03:32 PM): yeah. give my cell phone a call in like 5 minutes
Ashley came outside with me and I talked with him for about 15 minutes. he was like, "okay, whats the deal? I saw you give me dirty looks today and youve been avoiding me. why?" and I so I started to cry (of course) and I told him that ever since I started talking to him freshman year Ive had this crush on him and sophomore year it turned into more than that. I told him that I never ever want to fall in love with anyone ever again because I found out that it just hurts too much. I told him that all the times Ive been a bitch to him for no reason has just been because I was trying to get over him by not talking to him. he told me that he understood because of the things he went through with Katie (grrrrr) but he also said that he would rather have me talk about it with him than keep it all inside. I agreed and told him that from now on I would just talk to him about what was on my mind
at one point I told him that as of last week I had no intentions of ever talking to him ever again. he kind of sighed and said that he knew that, but he didnt want that to happen because he enjoys my friendship and likes hanging out with me. he said that the days he came over after school when I had poison ivy he really enjoyed. he said he liked just hanging out and sittin and talkin. and I liked those days too
he asked me how I wanted him to be around me. like if I wanted him to still give me hugs and stuff. I told him yes, I want him to still be the same way because I like being like that with him and if we were any other way with each other it would just be weird. I promised him that if it started getting too hard for me to handle then I would tell him nicely to back off a little bit and he promised he would do that. I know it wont be easy being like that with him and getting over him at the same time, but I really do like his friendship. no matter what anyone says he is a good person inside. maybe Im just the only one who can see that. I want to be friends with him and be able to just enjoy a friendship and not feel heartbroken every time he walks away from me
he told me that he had plans on bitching me out tomorrow. he said he was going to come outside at lunch and do it today but he saw that I was with my friends and he didnt want to create an akward situation for anyone. Im really glad he didnt do that, cause I would have flipped on him. I would have told him everything that I told him today.. how I love him, how hes distroyed me on the inside, how I never want to love anyone again and its all his fault.. but I wouldnt have said it at nicely as I did when I talked to him. I would havebeen angry. and I probably would have punched him in the throat
Im really glad that he called and that I got to say what I said to him. I feel like a big weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I can breathe easier now and I know itll be even better tomorrow when I see him and give him the first hug in two weeks. everything should be getting better now. Ill move on. hell, maybe Ill even find a new boy. but I wont fall in love. that I will never ever do again. ever
Hope is comin at 8 and Im going with her to go get Dairy Queen and talk about boys and stuff. fun fun