Self Reflection
Well, the last few days have been those of self reflection and an examination of myself and what I want, where I am headed and what my goals are. It is that time again to prioritize things and get back to basics. I toyed with making this a private journal once again. Even changed it because I don't know who reads it now, will read it, or even wants to read it. Too much to write and need to say, but sometimes you don't feel you can. Well, I guess I'm gonna go for the gusto so to speak. However, I'm at that point where I'm not looking for comments from anyone. If you want to comment and you are someone who I care to hear it from, you have my number. Call me. Otherwise, I don't want to hear it. So the hell with it, here goes...
It's been a long time since I've dated. Once you have been off that horse for a while, its hard getting back on and getting your balance or figuring out where things fit in to the big picture. I had a long conversation about this tonight with a very old friend. Anyway, we go way back and spent a long time talking about things that are going on my life right now, as well as all the garbage in my past. We talked about the deep, dark, private things that only those few people in my life who make it past the barriers I have built around myself get a chance to know. To them, these are the things that make me up and have forged my path; sometimes a rough, bumpy, broken one. Overcoming these hurdles have given me the strength to keep going when it feels so damn easy to give in. They have brought me from the side of being cold hearted with a major chip on my shoulder who was out to prove I could do anything and accomplish anything, to someone who is compassionate, caring, and concerned for others. If you would have caught me a few years ago, I would have advised you to run. But I'm a much different person now. I know I don't have to be callous and cold hearted to accomplish the things I desire to accomplish. I don't have to kick your ass to prove a point. I'm not that kind of fighter anymore. But I am still a fighter. The point is, I've walked through fire. Maybe not as intense as other people, but I've suffered tragedy, loss, and have more than a few pieces of me that have been either lost or taken away over the years. I know who I am now. I didn't always. But in knowing who I am now, and the fact that I do care about people leaves me open sometimes. I'm open now. I let myself be available to someone when I haven't let myself be available to anyone in that capacity for a long time. Now I am at a loss and closing myself off again. There were no expectations. Only that of honesty and openess. I feel that both were there but its now shut down and I don't know how to take it, or deal with it. I'll be honest. But the openess was a little onesided. I was always honest. But as far as open about the things I have been through and that are buried deep, I didn't open that part of myself up. I feel selfish. This person shared so much with me about the hell they have been through and seen, but I just caught myself listening and trying to be a friend and not exposing that side of myself. I don't even know if they wanted to or were willing to listen to my hell. But I at least feel I could have shared a little. Anyway, I don't know where I'm at with this person. I know that in a very short period of time, I came to care for this person and hope they know that I'm here if they need me. But as I said, it's been a long time since I ventured down this road in the dating game. I'm not in the business anymore of chasing, playing cat & mouse, or trying to figure out where I stand. I don't play games. I give honesty and expect honesty. And when you leave yourself open and get a little in return, when it shuts down without warning or explanation you can't help but wonder what is going on. So thats where I'm at. I put myself out there. And he's been through hell. The last thing I ever want him to think is I that I am here out of pity because that is absolutely not the case. Honestly, I don't know what he thinks or how he feels about me. I don't even care about that. I've never been out to win popularity contests and the last thing I am looking for or am expecting to find at this stage of the game is "Mr. Right" or "Mr. Right Now". However, he is the kind of guy that if I am looking, I look for but rarely find. Thing is that I wasn't looking and he just popped up. I know that when I met him I liked him and first impressions are everything with me. Things progressed from there and it seems like there was a connection and an openess that I haven't experienced with someone in a long time. If you ask my opinion now, maybe I read way too much into it than I should have. Am I concerned about him and worried about him? Very much so. He's been through so much that I don't know how I would deal with it even with all my baggaged buried deep with in me and everything I've overcome at this stage of my life. So, where I am at is here. As fast as it opened up, it snapped shut. I'm not closing myself off, but I'm not putting myself out there anymore unless I am asked to. I've told him I am here, however he needs me to be, no matter how he needs me to be. That's all I can tell him. That's all I can do. And nothing more.
It's been a long time since I've dated. Once you have been off that horse for a while, its hard getting back on and getting your balance or figuring out where things fit in to the big picture. I had a long conversation about this tonight with a very old friend. Anyway, we go way back and spent a long time talking about things that are going on my life right now, as well as all the garbage in my past. We talked about the deep, dark, private things that only those few people in my life who make it past the barriers I have built around myself get a chance to know. To them, these are the things that make me up and have forged my path; sometimes a rough, bumpy, broken one. Overcoming these hurdles have given me the strength to keep going when it feels so damn easy to give in. They have brought me from the side of being cold hearted with a major chip on my shoulder who was out to prove I could do anything and accomplish anything, to someone who is compassionate, caring, and concerned for others. If you would have caught me a few years ago, I would have advised you to run. But I'm a much different person now. I know I don't have to be callous and cold hearted to accomplish the things I desire to accomplish. I don't have to kick your ass to prove a point. I'm not that kind of fighter anymore. But I am still a fighter. The point is, I've walked through fire. Maybe not as intense as other people, but I've suffered tragedy, loss, and have more than a few pieces of me that have been either lost or taken away over the years. I know who I am now. I didn't always. But in knowing who I am now, and the fact that I do care about people leaves me open sometimes. I'm open now. I let myself be available to someone when I haven't let myself be available to anyone in that capacity for a long time. Now I am at a loss and closing myself off again. There were no expectations. Only that of honesty and openess. I feel that both were there but its now shut down and I don't know how to take it, or deal with it. I'll be honest. But the openess was a little onesided. I was always honest. But as far as open about the things I have been through and that are buried deep, I didn't open that part of myself up. I feel selfish. This person shared so much with me about the hell they have been through and seen, but I just caught myself listening and trying to be a friend and not exposing that side of myself. I don't even know if they wanted to or were willing to listen to my hell. But I at least feel I could have shared a little. Anyway, I don't know where I'm at with this person. I know that in a very short period of time, I came to care for this person and hope they know that I'm here if they need me. But as I said, it's been a long time since I ventured down this road in the dating game. I'm not in the business anymore of chasing, playing cat & mouse, or trying to figure out where I stand. I don't play games. I give honesty and expect honesty. And when you leave yourself open and get a little in return, when it shuts down without warning or explanation you can't help but wonder what is going on. So thats where I'm at. I put myself out there. And he's been through hell. The last thing I ever want him to think is I that I am here out of pity because that is absolutely not the case. Honestly, I don't know what he thinks or how he feels about me. I don't even care about that. I've never been out to win popularity contests and the last thing I am looking for or am expecting to find at this stage of the game is "Mr. Right" or "Mr. Right Now". However, he is the kind of guy that if I am looking, I look for but rarely find. Thing is that I wasn't looking and he just popped up. I know that when I met him I liked him and first impressions are everything with me. Things progressed from there and it seems like there was a connection and an openess that I haven't experienced with someone in a long time. If you ask my opinion now, maybe I read way too much into it than I should have. Am I concerned about him and worried about him? Very much so. He's been through so much that I don't know how I would deal with it even with all my baggaged buried deep with in me and everything I've overcome at this stage of my life. So, where I am at is here. As fast as it opened up, it snapped shut. I'm not closing myself off, but I'm not putting myself out there anymore unless I am asked to. I've told him I am here, however he needs me to be, no matter how he needs me to be. That's all I can tell him. That's all I can do. And nothing more.