(no subject)
I havent written in here forever and this website has gotten really confusing since the last time i logged on.
Well. life is decent. school is great, i really love school. im a really different person than i was 1-2 years ago. Id like to say its all for the better, but there are downfall to everything. Im happy though, for the most part. Im not too social though, i really prefer being alone...i dont try and engage in anything more than acquaintances. Im focused on school and I just like solitude. Still with my girlfriend its been like a year and a month...i love her...but i know i wont settle with her for life, even though we talk about that kind of stuff.. ive stil got many vaginas to investigate, its just been put on hold for awhile. but i enjoy being with her. i need to be nicer to her though. Ive realized that i cant help myself but be verbally abusive to woman...i love making them cry and putting them down...ha...its really messed up...anyways...hmm. Im getting top surgery in 4 months i couldn't be more excited.. but to be honest im a really transphobic person....i think its just cuz i really dont wanna be like this and i havent accepted it yet, but im doing the surgery because i know thats what is necessary and it will make me feel right. I refuse to start hormones right away though...im really uncomfortable with this shit... i would die to have facial hair and pass as a guy, but the transition part is just gonna make me feel really uncomfortable, so i want to wait until im out of school so i can start fresh.....i hate being this way...but i also hate being called a girl....and having these disgusting hideous boobs. i would have got the surgery a long while ago, but 1) i didnt have the money and 2) i was too anxious to go under the knife....but now ive been taking anxiety medicine and im gonna up my dose just so i can get through this..i pray that i dont throw up from the anesthesia...thats my biggest fear..and i hope god will still accept me...i dont like being a freak.... just wanted to free my mind a little....im sure ill right again in another 6 months.......
Well. life is decent. school is great, i really love school. im a really different person than i was 1-2 years ago. Id like to say its all for the better, but there are downfall to everything. Im happy though, for the most part. Im not too social though, i really prefer being alone...i dont try and engage in anything more than acquaintances. Im focused on school and I just like solitude. Still with my girlfriend its been like a year and a month...i love her...but i know i wont settle with her for life, even though we talk about that kind of stuff.. ive stil got many vaginas to investigate, its just been put on hold for awhile. but i enjoy being with her. i need to be nicer to her though. Ive realized that i cant help myself but be verbally abusive to woman...i love making them cry and putting them down...ha...its really messed up...anyways...hmm. Im getting top surgery in 4 months i couldn't be more excited.. but to be honest im a really transphobic person....i think its just cuz i really dont wanna be like this and i havent accepted it yet, but im doing the surgery because i know thats what is necessary and it will make me feel right. I refuse to start hormones right away though...im really uncomfortable with this shit... i would die to have facial hair and pass as a guy, but the transition part is just gonna make me feel really uncomfortable, so i want to wait until im out of school so i can start fresh.....i hate being this way...but i also hate being called a girl....and having these disgusting hideous boobs. i would have got the surgery a long while ago, but 1) i didnt have the money and 2) i was too anxious to go under the knife....but now ive been taking anxiety medicine and im gonna up my dose just so i can get through this..i pray that i dont throw up from the anesthesia...thats my biggest fear..and i hope god will still accept me...i dont like being a freak.... just wanted to free my mind a little....im sure ill right again in another 6 months.......