coming clean
wow. look at all of this drama. ok, finally i am going to come clean to ryan, stephen, and lea each person sepaarately about everything. i want everything straight. this may hurt some of you, this may not hurt you at all. but it will probably make me more at peace with myself. i want to let you know how i really feel.
to ryan : to clear some things up... yes i tried to keep you from your friends around the time we were first together. i'm not going to deny this. i was young and i was jealous because i didn't know how to balance my friends and you all at once. i was jealous because every friend i had i gave up for you. i guess i wanted the same back. i was so used to being the center of your universe that once i wasn't anymore, it hurt. sometimes you'd leave me at home by myself and go out with your friends, i would have done the same but i didn't have anyone but you. i was clingy and needy. i understand i was wrong later when i had learned the error of my ways, and i didn't do this anymore.
for a while i had been searching for someone to take me away from you. i grew tired of breaking up and making up. yes, i kissed other people, yes it was wrong to do to you, and i'm sorry. i figured if i just found that one person to get me out of our endless cycle- someone to take me away- it would be less painful to have to get away from you myself. dont get me wrong, i tried to get away on my own, i guess it was either too hard or i just wasn't strong enough.
finally i found that person, yes i kissed him while we were together. that just kind of happened... i didn't just leave you for him. i left you for me, too. and i'm sorry i hurt you so badly about it.
if i ever thought you friends were assholes, its because they probably were. i dont ever remember thinking that about james, brian, stephen, tj or lauren. but people such as brad, kyle, and daniel? they were assholes. they constantly said rude things to me right in front of you, and you didn't even stick up for me most of the time.
also, i know i've gotten an apology from you. but you really need to stop posting my personal life in comments or entries. think about how all those things lots of people never knew about until you said something. its nothing to get back at me with. whether or not it's common knowledge is no reason to inform the world about it. i dont hate you, ryan. i never have or will. i still love you. and i'm sorry i hurt you as badly as i did.
to stephen : when i met rob, yes i started hanging out with him every day. i started ignoring you, or not speaking. i started changing. and i was wrong for that. i'm trying to get back to where i was and it is so hard. i wish you were still here. i miss you. some of the smartest advice i ever had was from you, and i miss you being there to give it to me. it was wrong for me to drop you and pick those people. if i knew things would have been this way i would have maintained a better balance. as long as we can have back what we had before, i will be very happy. :) i love you stephen, more than you will ever know. you're one of my best friends. and those aren't plentiful.
to lea (scott & austin): ok. well i started hanging around you because i liked rob. i was ok with not doing the whole drug thing, and i thought you were so awesome. you were so nice to me. and i really appreciate how comfortable you made me feel when i first entered your circle of friends. i loved hanging out with you, it was a lot of fun. i enjoyed the good old days when leigh was still around. it was just easier then.
i always wanted a time with rob i could actually spend the whole day with him without you being around. and i've never had one like that. everytime rob and i would have a "date" there would be lea, scott, and austin afterwords or lea, scott, and austin before. sometimes it would be both before and after. and that wasn't cool for me. i just wanted a boyfriend, not a boyfriend (friends included). dont get me wrong i liked spending time with you, but it stressed rob and me out all the time. i would get so upset because we couldn't spend time together. we would never have more than an hour alone before someone was there wanting to do some drugs, or play some music, or get drunk. and it was terrible for me to have to deal with it. then be attacked for being upset because, i really didn't have much of a reason to be upset since "bro's before ho's" was your circle's motto. while rob was gone, scott would sit there and tell me "you know he's not thinking about you right now, i dont even want to hear that you're thinking about him too. you know what he's probably going to do in las vegas. dont be stupid."
it seems like there was a petition against us from the start, and it felt like rob listened to you more than he listened to his heart. that hurt more than anything. and the sexual innuendos scott always made to me, trying to get in my pants. his "best friend's girlfriend's" pants. wow, what a wonderful friend. my self esteem was so low, and i felt like shit about myself. i stopped going over there for a while, and i felt so much better about myself. i felt like i was actually worth something. it sounds bad, but its the truth.
when rob and i broke up, i was clueless. come to find out, it was partly your circles fault. you are the ones who told him to leave me, you are the ones who tried to be there for me when you were the one that slit my throat and caused me so much pain. rob listens to you because you were supposed to be his best friends. if he only knew...
for a month, i felt worthless, unloved, i wanted to crawl in a hole in die. mostly because of you. and then, look at the way you treat rob? you have parties with his parents, at his house, while he's not home and don't even mention it to him, you leave him when he needs you the most, you dont keep in touch hardly at all. of course he's going to think you dont give a shit, why? probably because YOU DONT!
you just want someone to go down the drain with you. i suppose its not enough to just go down with three people. after all who wants a third wheel? and i suppose it isn't enough to get your life straightened out, and get on the right track. the one you will succeed in. but that honestly never was my problem. you wonder why i care so much about your business with rob? because first of all, I'M the one there picking up the pieces when you hurt him, I'M the one that cares for him. and i'm just tired of both of us hurting because of you. it was fun times till life gets serious, now its serious, and you seem not to care as much as he does. which separates the men from the boys, in the long run.
to ryan : to clear some things up... yes i tried to keep you from your friends around the time we were first together. i'm not going to deny this. i was young and i was jealous because i didn't know how to balance my friends and you all at once. i was jealous because every friend i had i gave up for you. i guess i wanted the same back. i was so used to being the center of your universe that once i wasn't anymore, it hurt. sometimes you'd leave me at home by myself and go out with your friends, i would have done the same but i didn't have anyone but you. i was clingy and needy. i understand i was wrong later when i had learned the error of my ways, and i didn't do this anymore.
for a while i had been searching for someone to take me away from you. i grew tired of breaking up and making up. yes, i kissed other people, yes it was wrong to do to you, and i'm sorry. i figured if i just found that one person to get me out of our endless cycle- someone to take me away- it would be less painful to have to get away from you myself. dont get me wrong, i tried to get away on my own, i guess it was either too hard or i just wasn't strong enough.
finally i found that person, yes i kissed him while we were together. that just kind of happened... i didn't just leave you for him. i left you for me, too. and i'm sorry i hurt you so badly about it.
if i ever thought you friends were assholes, its because they probably were. i dont ever remember thinking that about james, brian, stephen, tj or lauren. but people such as brad, kyle, and daniel? they were assholes. they constantly said rude things to me right in front of you, and you didn't even stick up for me most of the time.
also, i know i've gotten an apology from you. but you really need to stop posting my personal life in comments or entries. think about how all those things lots of people never knew about until you said something. its nothing to get back at me with. whether or not it's common knowledge is no reason to inform the world about it. i dont hate you, ryan. i never have or will. i still love you. and i'm sorry i hurt you as badly as i did.
to stephen : when i met rob, yes i started hanging out with him every day. i started ignoring you, or not speaking. i started changing. and i was wrong for that. i'm trying to get back to where i was and it is so hard. i wish you were still here. i miss you. some of the smartest advice i ever had was from you, and i miss you being there to give it to me. it was wrong for me to drop you and pick those people. if i knew things would have been this way i would have maintained a better balance. as long as we can have back what we had before, i will be very happy. :) i love you stephen, more than you will ever know. you're one of my best friends. and those aren't plentiful.
to lea (scott & austin): ok. well i started hanging around you because i liked rob. i was ok with not doing the whole drug thing, and i thought you were so awesome. you were so nice to me. and i really appreciate how comfortable you made me feel when i first entered your circle of friends. i loved hanging out with you, it was a lot of fun. i enjoyed the good old days when leigh was still around. it was just easier then.
i always wanted a time with rob i could actually spend the whole day with him without you being around. and i've never had one like that. everytime rob and i would have a "date" there would be lea, scott, and austin afterwords or lea, scott, and austin before. sometimes it would be both before and after. and that wasn't cool for me. i just wanted a boyfriend, not a boyfriend (friends included). dont get me wrong i liked spending time with you, but it stressed rob and me out all the time. i would get so upset because we couldn't spend time together. we would never have more than an hour alone before someone was there wanting to do some drugs, or play some music, or get drunk. and it was terrible for me to have to deal with it. then be attacked for being upset because, i really didn't have much of a reason to be upset since "bro's before ho's" was your circle's motto. while rob was gone, scott would sit there and tell me "you know he's not thinking about you right now, i dont even want to hear that you're thinking about him too. you know what he's probably going to do in las vegas. dont be stupid."
it seems like there was a petition against us from the start, and it felt like rob listened to you more than he listened to his heart. that hurt more than anything. and the sexual innuendos scott always made to me, trying to get in my pants. his "best friend's girlfriend's" pants. wow, what a wonderful friend. my self esteem was so low, and i felt like shit about myself. i stopped going over there for a while, and i felt so much better about myself. i felt like i was actually worth something. it sounds bad, but its the truth.
when rob and i broke up, i was clueless. come to find out, it was partly your circles fault. you are the ones who told him to leave me, you are the ones who tried to be there for me when you were the one that slit my throat and caused me so much pain. rob listens to you because you were supposed to be his best friends. if he only knew...
for a month, i felt worthless, unloved, i wanted to crawl in a hole in die. mostly because of you. and then, look at the way you treat rob? you have parties with his parents, at his house, while he's not home and don't even mention it to him, you leave him when he needs you the most, you dont keep in touch hardly at all. of course he's going to think you dont give a shit, why? probably because YOU DONT!
you just want someone to go down the drain with you. i suppose its not enough to just go down with three people. after all who wants a third wheel? and i suppose it isn't enough to get your life straightened out, and get on the right track. the one you will succeed in. but that honestly never was my problem. you wonder why i care so much about your business with rob? because first of all, I'M the one there picking up the pieces when you hurt him, I'M the one that cares for him. and i'm just tired of both of us hurting because of you. it was fun times till life gets serious, now its serious, and you seem not to care as much as he does. which separates the men from the boys, in the long run.