(no subject)
ok i am going on an epthiny. . . .apathiny. . .how ever the fuck u spell it. i'm drunk which makes me think a lot and i'm also super tired, which makes me think a lot. i dontevene care rightnow cuz i don't believe anyone reads this anyway. and the reason for this is cuz the rare times i do post, no one responds anyway. so in that case this is me talking to myself. I really do think i'll die alone. I was thinkin about it the other day but more and more each day i believe it to be true. first of all i'm not overly attractive. in my eyes i'm not attractive at all but i do believe everyone has their own taste. today i went to the whiskey bar to see match party play and i was getting along great with the bartender. i got a lot of different drinks free and when i talked to her she went from frown to smile. i mean iknow bartenders are only there to serve u and make good tips from being there and showing interest but i was really diggin her. bobby and steve were pressuring me to get her number so i was asking around to the girls we were with exactly how i should do it with out lookin like a pig or a douchebag (i'm not used to this shit). finally i was gettin a friend a beer (which she gave me for free) and i leaned in and asked "is it to straight forward for me to ask for ur number" may sound corny but it was the most respectful way i could think of with out being my normal shy self. she turned and said bac "sorry i'm currently seeing someone" she said how she was flattered but i didn't want to hear it. u can never tell if that part is true or not. i mean she may have just not been interested but was being nice and just said she was seeing someone.
the other reason i will be alone all my life is i can never find someone good enough. i find flaws in everyone. the few gfs i've had in the past have made enough of an impact on me that i think i find flaws in everyone i meet. now i'll be honest and say most flaws i find are tiny but for some reason they turn big to me. so to me it makes them not good enough. and with this mantality even if i could find a girl to even give me one date i think there may be problems and it wont work out. it sucks because i am such a chivalries person that i feel like i'm already dead without someone. I've been dead for a few years now. and now that i can't find a job and that is being pressured on me from my parents i just don't know what to do. sometimes i just want to sit here and cry. even though it's not the "manly" thing to do. i just don't know where to turn. and although "friends" and "ex gfs" say i can turn to them i feel like i truely can't. i mean hell i haven't seen any of them in so long as is.
the scarier thing is the true thoughts that r in my head. which i don't dare put down here. my other journal (different name and private) scares me the most. even when i read old issues to now. i haven't changed much. just slightly started going farther down into the pit of dispair.
the other reason i will be alone all my life is i can never find someone good enough. i find flaws in everyone. the few gfs i've had in the past have made enough of an impact on me that i think i find flaws in everyone i meet. now i'll be honest and say most flaws i find are tiny but for some reason they turn big to me. so to me it makes them not good enough. and with this mantality even if i could find a girl to even give me one date i think there may be problems and it wont work out. it sucks because i am such a chivalries person that i feel like i'm already dead without someone. I've been dead for a few years now. and now that i can't find a job and that is being pressured on me from my parents i just don't know what to do. sometimes i just want to sit here and cry. even though it's not the "manly" thing to do. i just don't know where to turn. and although "friends" and "ex gfs" say i can turn to them i feel like i truely can't. i mean hell i haven't seen any of them in so long as is.
the scarier thing is the true thoughts that r in my head. which i don't dare put down here. my other journal (different name and private) scares me the most. even when i read old issues to now. i haven't changed much. just slightly started going farther down into the pit of dispair.