North Carolina
"i'm sick of smiling
and so is my jaw. . .
i'm sick of being someone i'm not. . . .
i'm sick of all these words that will never matter."
It's funny i like being here and i'm calm but i feel so angry like deep inside. i enjoy being here but i still hate it. I feel like everyone just tells me what to do and i hate that. specially my mom and steve. they don't ask if i want to do something. they tell me but in a suttle way to sound like it's rude of me when i don't comply. like steve tells me to go to the beach "come on let's go", "all right i'm ready let's go." this is the second night i have not gone down to the beach at night. i like going and i like sitting at a fire but i'm just tired of being told what to do and then having to do EVERYTHING. he went yesterday and had a fire, which was good for him, he said he met people but i don't really care who i meet down here cuz they will be gone in a week anyway. well i went to the beach during the day today and all the wood, I BOUGHT, was left at the beach (which means other people will take it), and also bud light beer bottles were left at the same pit (which is what steve had to drink). i hate people that leave shit at the beach. and if i go i'm the one that is going to have to carry all that back as he carries his backpack and the case for the beer. so then i get gross and dirty from having to carry all the wood. then he also wants to walk all the time. first off my foot is swollen and basically all black and blue and all he does is complain about the pain of the sun poisoning on his foot. that should be reason enough to not go but then on top of it why do i want to walk down the beach for no good reason. too look at all the jailbait girls? to walk past and not say a word to anyone that isn't jailbait? again i'm never gonna see these people again. maybe i might see them next year but that's questionable. i think i'm just gonna go in the hot tub early and go to bed early so that i dont have to be up when he gets back. and then i can get up really early and go to the beach early rather then at like 1 that i have done the last two days (yesterday it was my fault, today i was waiting for steve to get ready). i also don't think i would be as angry if me steve and wes didn't JUST have this convo like a couple weeks ago. and i brought up to steve that i don't like him telling me what to do. maybe that is why i am being stubborn and not telling him all this. instead i jsut refuse to do things.
I need therapy. Or maybe actually a good friend whom i can actually talk to that wont turn everything into a problem with me. i wish i could just run again. i wish i could leave here and never look back. move to like utah and have a dead end job that is just enough to pay the rent. live my days away from all that i've messed up.
and so is my jaw. . .
i'm sick of being someone i'm not. . . .
i'm sick of all these words that will never matter."
It's funny i like being here and i'm calm but i feel so angry like deep inside. i enjoy being here but i still hate it. I feel like everyone just tells me what to do and i hate that. specially my mom and steve. they don't ask if i want to do something. they tell me but in a suttle way to sound like it's rude of me when i don't comply. like steve tells me to go to the beach "come on let's go", "all right i'm ready let's go." this is the second night i have not gone down to the beach at night. i like going and i like sitting at a fire but i'm just tired of being told what to do and then having to do EVERYTHING. he went yesterday and had a fire, which was good for him, he said he met people but i don't really care who i meet down here cuz they will be gone in a week anyway. well i went to the beach during the day today and all the wood, I BOUGHT, was left at the beach (which means other people will take it), and also bud light beer bottles were left at the same pit (which is what steve had to drink). i hate people that leave shit at the beach. and if i go i'm the one that is going to have to carry all that back as he carries his backpack and the case for the beer. so then i get gross and dirty from having to carry all the wood. then he also wants to walk all the time. first off my foot is swollen and basically all black and blue and all he does is complain about the pain of the sun poisoning on his foot. that should be reason enough to not go but then on top of it why do i want to walk down the beach for no good reason. too look at all the jailbait girls? to walk past and not say a word to anyone that isn't jailbait? again i'm never gonna see these people again. maybe i might see them next year but that's questionable. i think i'm just gonna go in the hot tub early and go to bed early so that i dont have to be up when he gets back. and then i can get up really early and go to the beach early rather then at like 1 that i have done the last two days (yesterday it was my fault, today i was waiting for steve to get ready). i also don't think i would be as angry if me steve and wes didn't JUST have this convo like a couple weeks ago. and i brought up to steve that i don't like him telling me what to do. maybe that is why i am being stubborn and not telling him all this. instead i jsut refuse to do things.
I need therapy. Or maybe actually a good friend whom i can actually talk to that wont turn everything into a problem with me. i wish i could just run again. i wish i could leave here and never look back. move to like utah and have a dead end job that is just enough to pay the rent. live my days away from all that i've messed up.