(no subject)
i had a convo with an old friend before and i realized something. I'm a failure. i've tried my whole life to make other people have a better life and in doing so i've failed myself. My own dreams. I'm not where i wanted to be or who i wanted to be at this point in my life. it's like you work so hard to one day realize that it was all for nothing. I know in my heart i want all my friends and people i meet to have great lives and i'm not ashamed at how i've been to people but it still doesn't show where i wanted to be.
i hate my dreams. when i was little i used to have night tremors. Bad ones. i only remember a couple of them and the rest my mom filled me in on. then as i got older i would have panic attacks. bad ones. i wouldn't tel people or do anything though i would jsut lie in my bed as they happened. Stupid panic attacks over nothing, forgetting to study or some stupid hw assignment in elementary school. i remember them so vividly one being which the walls would grow, so high. and i wouldn't see myself but in my eyes i would feel so tiny. it's like alice in wonderland except in the dark and you feel ur lungs are normal size but you can only take in these tiny breaths. i would remember just being so hurt and scared. Now i have them seldomly but now i have horrible nightmares. I used to love my dreams. I would day dream al day and have control over what type of dream i had at night. I used to stay up when i was young and tell steve of the great dreams i had. now it seems every other day to just be some horrific nightmare. I try not to sleep as much. Most people only remember their dreams for a few minutes or hours after they have them. I seem to not be able to forget them. day dreams aren't so bad. i have control over them. but once i close my eyes at nights i no longer have control. most of the time i'm looking down on myself in a third person view but if something bad is about to happen or does happen i tend to fall into my body. Often you feel like u have control but you just don't know why ur doing anything until after it heppens.
i should go to bed now cuz i got work in the morning but i think i'm gonna try and watch a movie first.
i hate my dreams. when i was little i used to have night tremors. Bad ones. i only remember a couple of them and the rest my mom filled me in on. then as i got older i would have panic attacks. bad ones. i wouldn't tel people or do anything though i would jsut lie in my bed as they happened. Stupid panic attacks over nothing, forgetting to study or some stupid hw assignment in elementary school. i remember them so vividly one being which the walls would grow, so high. and i wouldn't see myself but in my eyes i would feel so tiny. it's like alice in wonderland except in the dark and you feel ur lungs are normal size but you can only take in these tiny breaths. i would remember just being so hurt and scared. Now i have them seldomly but now i have horrible nightmares. I used to love my dreams. I would day dream al day and have control over what type of dream i had at night. I used to stay up when i was young and tell steve of the great dreams i had. now it seems every other day to just be some horrific nightmare. I try not to sleep as much. Most people only remember their dreams for a few minutes or hours after they have them. I seem to not be able to forget them. day dreams aren't so bad. i have control over them. but once i close my eyes at nights i no longer have control. most of the time i'm looking down on myself in a third person view but if something bad is about to happen or does happen i tend to fall into my body. Often you feel like u have control but you just don't know why ur doing anything until after it heppens.
i should go to bed now cuz i got work in the morning but i think i'm gonna try and watch a movie first.