Magneto Rant.

Sep 05, 2005 23:55

Written in a journal that looks like it's seen better days. Black leather with metal spiraling down the side.

God. That man.


I just.. want to rip all the hair from my head and tie it into a braid and beat him with it. I just don't know how to make him happy any more. Nothing I do or say is right, and I always just end up making him more upset. And I don't understand it. I used to be able to guess his needs before even he would know them. I used to be there to help soothe away his worries. Even if it wasn't with words. He could be angry and frustrated and ready to destroy everything and anyone he laid eyes on, and he'd take me, throw me against a wall and use me until he felt better.

Atleast then I has a use.

Atleast then I felt like he needed me for something.

Now Mystique does the missions, he confides in Toxin, Creed does the destroying and Toad is the weapon specialist. Leaving me with what? He won't even touch me. The only thing I have left to offer and he doesn't want it. So where do I go from here? I linger about and work with the recruits? If it weren't for them I would have left by now.

Or so I keep telling myself. If I truly wished to leave I would have by now, and no amount of telling myself otherwise will change that. But at the same time, it's me they can go to. Me they can trust with their dark secrets, their desires. Those things they have a hard time admitting to themselves, it's easier when I'm there to poke them into admitting it. I have a talent for dragging the truth from them. But not from him. If I left, who would be here for them to talk to? Nobody. Nobody will listen like I listen. Nobody will understand them the way I do. Because they don't care the way I do.

Fucking empathy really messed with my head. I don't even have the fucking power any more and still I suffer it's effects. Because once those emotions are brought back to the surface, there's no putting them back into their box. Only one man ever did that, could do that for me. Only he could seal my mind the way I need. Put me back together, but to the old me, the real me... fucking monster. He's lucky he can't be killed, else I'd be hunting him right now. I still can't even put ice cubes in my drinks these days. I don't know what I'm going to do about the winter. I'll be spending quite a bit of time indoors, I can tell you that much.

Where was I? Right. So what now? What do I do? I want to tell him. Ask him what he needs of me now that I've been replaced in everything. But I can't, because he'll only get upset. And he's upset enough as it is right now without my making it even worse. I want to make things right again. But I have no idea how.

sigh

I'm so lost.
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