ICly locked and in Russian
I do not know what I should do. I do not want to hurt her, no more than I have already done. Should I try to talk to her again?
No, this cannot possibly be a good thing. But... should I let her know that I am willing to talk to her, if she should want it? I could send her a text message or an e-mail and...
And say what? What is there that I /can/ say? "I am sorry that I tried to rape you, Jubilee, I promise I will not do it again, can we please be friends again?"
Oh yes, I can see how that would make /everything/ better. There is nothing I can say, I know that truly. I have destroyed the friendship I had with her.
And yet why can I not give up on her? Why can I not simply leave this all be, and accept what I have done, and what it means?
I think, perhaps, I begin to refuse to accept it. Is this wrong of me? Or /should/ I be trying to rebuild what I have lost, what I have broken? If I do not, has this telepath defeated me?
And what of Mira? I am worried for her. I do not want to see the same horror come to her. I wish I knew where she has that pencil tin from.
For now, I will watch Mira, and hope that she is safe, and I will stay away from Jubilee -- I made that promise to Logan, and I will honour it. Perhaps she will find me, or we will meet again by chance. I cannot let this end once and for all like this.
24 January 2007
Mason Quad
The buildings surrounding Mason Quad provide some shelter from the wind that gusts around outside, and so, despite the considerable number of students standing around in huddled groups against the cold or rushing from one class to the next, the strange hush of winter holds sway around the scarfed and hatted bodies that dot the scene. The creak of a door protesting as it opens is a loud enough sound to draw the attention of several people nearby, and as a tall man ducks out beneath the frame the attention redoubles, the atmosphere growing colder still. Mutant, say some. Freak. Piotr continues on his way, ignoring their words and sharp glances, shifting the hang of his jacket below his satchel strap and keeping his eyes resolutely straight ahead.
Jubilee skirts the crowds to reach the door of the library. It doesn't squeak, but the whispered words catch her attention long enough to swing her eyes up and around, searching for the source and reason. "Hey, move it," someone grunts behind her and she startles and steps out of the way, back to the wall nearest the door with a muttered, "Sorry."
Piotr looks up at the sound of the first grunted command ahead of him, ready to oblige, but instead freezing in his tracks at the sight of the young woman the words were addressed to, blocking both her path and that of the gruff student behind her. The blond American boy has some survival instincts, it seems, and so he keeps his mouth shut as he shoulders angrily past the Russian, who finally recovers his wits enough to take a step back from Jubilee in choked silence.
Jubilee moves to enter the building, swinging back around and behind the grunting boy, her face pivoting last and finally falling on Piotr. She freezes again, this time without someone behind her to jolt her back into movement. Her lips work soundlessly for a long minute, and then her eyes scrunch up, narrowing as if in pain.
Pain haunts Piotr's expression too, a guilt riddled whisper of, "Jubilee," dying in his throat as he shuts his eyes hard, biting back a slew of apologies and explanations he is sure she has no wish to hear. He moves to hold the door open for her, realising half a second too late that entering would require her to press past close to him and fumblingly letting his hand drop from the door, standing as far back from her as he can with his eyes fixed on her in aching shame.
Jubilee steps back instead, out of the doorway, folding an arm across her middle to unconsciously press a hand against her side. Her face burns too, alternating pale and pink underneath the normal hues of her skin tone. "Peter," she answers, spitting the name out on a visible puff of breath in the cold air.
"I am sorry," Piotr whispers brokenly, abashed by Jubilee's tone and the violent weight of his own guilt, anguish eating at his expression. "So very sorry..." He holds his uncertain stillness for half a moment more and then turns and pushes back into the building, long legs carrying him away from the door beneath the unhappy stoop of his broad shoulders.
"That's /it/? That's all you can say?!" Jubilee blurts out, surprising herself. What surprises her even more is the fact that her feet are moving her closer. She bangs through the door and into the atrium ringed by checkout desk. "You're just going to /apologize/ and run /away/? You can't even /face/ me?! Can't even--" she gasps-hiccups, then catches her breath in a sob.
Hearing the door bang behind him, Piotr startles and looks back, his eyes widening as he realises Jubilee is following him. He freezes once more, a breath hitching in his throat and jarring his chest up for a moment before, with aching slowness, he turns back round. "Can't what?" he asks, the contraction repeated unconsciously in a harrowed, breathy voice. "Logan told me to stay away from you, but-- If there is anything anything I can do, Jubilee, /anything/ to attone for what I have done..."
"You can /start/ by /explainin'/," Jubilee spits back, stomping up to within arm's reach of him, visibly shaking in sudden, heated anger. "I don't mean 'bout what happened, either." One by one, the eye of the few people manning the desks and traveling through the room travel toward them in curiousity. "Why /me/?!"
Conscious of they eyes on them, Piotr's reply is far quieter than Jubilee's question, a slow breath preceding careful words that descend into broken mumbling as he speaks. "Because you were there. Because at that point, I was beyond thinking of the horror or the consequences of my actions, I simply knew what I wanted and tried to take it. I was-- /driven/ by the basest parts of myself, and you were there..."
"What was it you wanted? /Sex/?!" Jubilee is not being nearly so aware. One of the librarians slips from behind the desk and starts to approach them. "So you wanted /that/ an' it didn't matter /who/ was there? You'da taken /Kitty/ like that? Or Ro? What if it'd been /Cassy/? Or /Mi--" "Excuse me. You are disturbing the guests. You need to lower your voices or take this outside."
"Yes, sex," Piotr replies harshly, the disgust and anger in his quiet voice directed entirely at himself. He winces at Jubilee's continuing questions, cowed already when the librarian approaches and bowing his head with a muttered, "I am sorry, ma'am," before glancing over to his companion. "I am sorry, Jubilee. I will talk to you if you want. I will answer any question you ask me. I would understand if you never want to see me again." The librarian eyes the pair accusingly. Shut up or make tracks!
"Hello. Private conversation here!" Jubilee snaps, glaring at the librarian before turning the expression back to Peter. "Oh, so /now/ what I want matters. Lucky me."
"Yes, it does." The answer is simple and heartfelt, Piotr meeting Jubilee's eyes with quiet sincerity for a moment before his gaze flickers over to the librarian. "I am going outside," he tells Jubilee after a moment's hesitation. "I have no more classes today, so I will wait in the quad for an hour before I go home, if you would like some time to think. If you want to talk to me, then I will tell you anything you want." So saying, he nods to the librarian and heads once again for the door.
Jubilee watches him leave and stays staring at the door for a long time after he disappears through it. Even after the librarian, satisfied that the disturbance has been dealt with, moves off. When the hour has passed, however, there has been no sign of her outside the building.
It is with a sad reluctance that Piotr packs away the physics books he had been working from, putting them carefully into his satchel with unnecessary neatness to delay the moment of departure. Even after he has done this, he sits for another ten minutes staring blankly at the bench he sits at before slowly getting to his feet and walking away with leaden steps.
Piotr and Jubilee run into each other by chance. Yelling is a definite step up from killing.
No, this cannot possibly be a good thing. But... should I let her know that I am willing to talk to her, if she should want it? I could send her a text message or an e-mail and...
And say what? What is there that I /can/ say? "I am sorry that I tried to rape you, Jubilee, I promise I will not do it again, can we please be friends again?"
Oh yes, I can see how that would make /everything/ better. There is nothing I can say, I know that truly. I have destroyed the friendship I had with her.
And yet why can I not give up on her? Why can I not simply leave this all be, and accept what I have done, and what it means?
I think, perhaps, I begin to refuse to accept it. Is this wrong of me? Or /should/ I be trying to rebuild what I have lost, what I have broken? If I do not, has this telepath defeated me?
And what of Mira? I am worried for her. I do not want to see the same horror come to her. I wish I knew where she has that pencil tin from.
For now, I will watch Mira, and hope that she is safe, and I will stay away from Jubilee -- I made that promise to Logan, and I will honour it. Perhaps she will find me, or we will meet again by chance. I cannot let this end once and for all like this.
24 January 2007
Mason Quad
The buildings surrounding Mason Quad provide some shelter from the wind that gusts around outside, and so, despite the considerable number of students standing around in huddled groups against the cold or rushing from one class to the next, the strange hush of winter holds sway around the scarfed and hatted bodies that dot the scene. The creak of a door protesting as it opens is a loud enough sound to draw the attention of several people nearby, and as a tall man ducks out beneath the frame the attention redoubles, the atmosphere growing colder still. Mutant, say some. Freak. Piotr continues on his way, ignoring their words and sharp glances, shifting the hang of his jacket below his satchel strap and keeping his eyes resolutely straight ahead.
Jubilee skirts the crowds to reach the door of the library. It doesn't squeak, but the whispered words catch her attention long enough to swing her eyes up and around, searching for the source and reason. "Hey, move it," someone grunts behind her and she startles and steps out of the way, back to the wall nearest the door with a muttered, "Sorry."
Piotr looks up at the sound of the first grunted command ahead of him, ready to oblige, but instead freezing in his tracks at the sight of the young woman the words were addressed to, blocking both her path and that of the gruff student behind her. The blond American boy has some survival instincts, it seems, and so he keeps his mouth shut as he shoulders angrily past the Russian, who finally recovers his wits enough to take a step back from Jubilee in choked silence.
Jubilee moves to enter the building, swinging back around and behind the grunting boy, her face pivoting last and finally falling on Piotr. She freezes again, this time without someone behind her to jolt her back into movement. Her lips work soundlessly for a long minute, and then her eyes scrunch up, narrowing as if in pain.
Pain haunts Piotr's expression too, a guilt riddled whisper of, "Jubilee," dying in his throat as he shuts his eyes hard, biting back a slew of apologies and explanations he is sure she has no wish to hear. He moves to hold the door open for her, realising half a second too late that entering would require her to press past close to him and fumblingly letting his hand drop from the door, standing as far back from her as he can with his eyes fixed on her in aching shame.
Jubilee steps back instead, out of the doorway, folding an arm across her middle to unconsciously press a hand against her side. Her face burns too, alternating pale and pink underneath the normal hues of her skin tone. "Peter," she answers, spitting the name out on a visible puff of breath in the cold air.
"I am sorry," Piotr whispers brokenly, abashed by Jubilee's tone and the violent weight of his own guilt, anguish eating at his expression. "So very sorry..." He holds his uncertain stillness for half a moment more and then turns and pushes back into the building, long legs carrying him away from the door beneath the unhappy stoop of his broad shoulders.
"That's /it/? That's all you can say?!" Jubilee blurts out, surprising herself. What surprises her even more is the fact that her feet are moving her closer. She bangs through the door and into the atrium ringed by checkout desk. "You're just going to /apologize/ and run /away/? You can't even /face/ me?! Can't even--" she gasps-hiccups, then catches her breath in a sob.
Hearing the door bang behind him, Piotr startles and looks back, his eyes widening as he realises Jubilee is following him. He freezes once more, a breath hitching in his throat and jarring his chest up for a moment before, with aching slowness, he turns back round. "Can't what?" he asks, the contraction repeated unconsciously in a harrowed, breathy voice. "Logan told me to stay away from you, but-- If there is anything anything I can do, Jubilee, /anything/ to attone for what I have done..."
"You can /start/ by /explainin'/," Jubilee spits back, stomping up to within arm's reach of him, visibly shaking in sudden, heated anger. "I don't mean 'bout what happened, either." One by one, the eye of the few people manning the desks and traveling through the room travel toward them in curiousity. "Why /me/?!"
Conscious of they eyes on them, Piotr's reply is far quieter than Jubilee's question, a slow breath preceding careful words that descend into broken mumbling as he speaks. "Because you were there. Because at that point, I was beyond thinking of the horror or the consequences of my actions, I simply knew what I wanted and tried to take it. I was-- /driven/ by the basest parts of myself, and you were there..."
"What was it you wanted? /Sex/?!" Jubilee is not being nearly so aware. One of the librarians slips from behind the desk and starts to approach them. "So you wanted /that/ an' it didn't matter /who/ was there? You'da taken /Kitty/ like that? Or Ro? What if it'd been /Cassy/? Or /Mi--" "Excuse me. You are disturbing the guests. You need to lower your voices or take this outside."
"Yes, sex," Piotr replies harshly, the disgust and anger in his quiet voice directed entirely at himself. He winces at Jubilee's continuing questions, cowed already when the librarian approaches and bowing his head with a muttered, "I am sorry, ma'am," before glancing over to his companion. "I am sorry, Jubilee. I will talk to you if you want. I will answer any question you ask me. I would understand if you never want to see me again." The librarian eyes the pair accusingly. Shut up or make tracks!
"Hello. Private conversation here!" Jubilee snaps, glaring at the librarian before turning the expression back to Peter. "Oh, so /now/ what I want matters. Lucky me."
"Yes, it does." The answer is simple and heartfelt, Piotr meeting Jubilee's eyes with quiet sincerity for a moment before his gaze flickers over to the librarian. "I am going outside," he tells Jubilee after a moment's hesitation. "I have no more classes today, so I will wait in the quad for an hour before I go home, if you would like some time to think. If you want to talk to me, then I will tell you anything you want." So saying, he nods to the librarian and heads once again for the door.
Jubilee watches him leave and stays staring at the door for a long time after he disappears through it. Even after the librarian, satisfied that the disturbance has been dealt with, moves off. When the hour has passed, however, there has been no sign of her outside the building.
It is with a sad reluctance that Piotr packs away the physics books he had been working from, putting them carefully into his satchel with unnecessary neatness to delay the moment of departure. Even after he has done this, he sits for another ten minutes staring blankly at the bench he sits at before slowly getting to his feet and walking away with leaden steps.
Piotr and Jubilee run into each other by chance. Yelling is a definite step up from killing.