(no subject)
God...have I mentioned how much life can suck sometimes?...so a few days ago I go to sabella to find help on what to do about her close...who sprang from my dreams...and I take her with me so she'll understand the full extent of my problem...her solution?...was to kill her now apparently...so I get defensive...start saying things I don't mean...I don't want to kill her...I just...want her to go back to my dreams where she belongs...that's all I'm asking for. Anyway things go overboard and I slip back into 'Old Michael' quickly...who knew the old nature was so near the surface?...I guess I did it's why I've always felt like I wasn't doing enough to really become good...anyway things turn ugly and it ends with me saying things I don't mean just to hurt Bella and her new man Alexi taking it the wrong way and stabbing me with a knife in what should have been a fatal wound had my Bella not healed me. so much for that avenue for help...maybe I'll get answers at the institute...maybe they'll help me pull things back together, though...what if sending my bella back reopens the wound and it kills me? Maybe it's what i deserve...I've done alot of wrong in my time...but the people who care about me...though few and far between by now I'm sure...would be hurt by that...and I think I want that even less than I want to die...and i don't really want to die...even if I do deserve to. On a note...perhaps the healthist thing I've done (mentally speaking) in a while is head out drinking...because I still had on the shirt I was wearing when I was stabbed...I ran into Tyanna who took me back to her room to make me change my shiiirts and we had a long talk and it seems like maybe there's potentail there for me and her...I guess that's why I cling to sabella so hard...she was the only woman I dated in a long time who was more than just a throw away date...I need to feel loved and needed as much as anyone and being with sabella always made me feel that way...I already Hurt Nikita by turning back to sabella but...I don't want to hurt Tyanna...I think maybe the succuubs is slowly but surely getting out of my blood...now I just need to get her out of my dorm room...oi