Top 10 Fugly Female Singers
Here's the thing: I am far from a woman hater. But every time I see the following artists up to their shenanigans on the TV screen, I slightly want to blow chunks. Urban Dictionary defines fugly as "the shorter word for 'fucking ugly'", but I'd like to use it more liberally: fugliness is more than a physical attribute, it is a means of turning to the world and saying, "I am compensating for my fugliness with lots and lots of makeup and general trashiness. It's a distractor!"
So without further ado, in increasing order of fugly:
10. P!nk
Okay, here's the thing about Pink. She needs not be fugly. In fact, she's not even all that fugly. But doesn't the whole "Hey, look, I'm such a badass because I feel bad about all the cocaine I snort" schtick get old? We get it. You're a bad girl gone good girl gone good-bad girl who dyes her hair pink. Like her name! Get it? Pink is a talented vocalist--if only she would stop pretending to be edgy and tortured by her past. Druggie angst is all good and well, but if it's meaningful. Deep down, I feel Pink isn't as angry as her songs seem, and the rebellious image is just general fugly fail.
9. Imogen Heap
Now, don't get me wrong, I love Imogen Heap. She is one talented-ass motherfucker. But like, since when is that dress okay? STOP BEING QUIRKY.
8. Avril Lavigne
"Not Avril!" you say. "She is beautiful!" And I shall respond, "Nay! She is FUGLY." She's a punk-pop deity, I get it. But it's the same thing as Pink, but with considerably less talent. Are you part raccoon? Your eyes seem strangely discolored--oh no, that's your makeup. Honestly, the girl is like a walking Hot Topic. And adhering so closely to that kind of stereotype is hardly cool.
7. Madonna (circa 2003 - present day)
Once upon a time, Madonna used to be cool. In a mainstream 80's kind of way, but cool nonetheless. This was back in the day when she was all, "I'm young and hot! Look at me use sex to shock the masses!" And they were shocked--the old ones, at least--so shocked that we, in our aforementioned shock, totally forgave all her FUGLY. But now, selling sex is soooo 2002. Now Madonna's just some old lady who makes us look at her crotch way too often.
6. Amy Lee
I'm totally not going to pretend I wasn't into Evanescence when I was in middle school. Like, really into them. I felt like every lyric applied to me. It spoke to my soul, man. And see, that's exactly it. Evanescence speaks to angsty middle school girls who had hopeless crushes on the most popular boys. And when I was 12, Amy Lee was the epitome of cool. But now that I think about it, FUGLY.
5. Miley Cyrus
Need I say more?
4. Li'l Kim
So Li'l Kim is hardly relevant to today's society, unless you're a Dancing with the "Stars" enthusiast. But before her li'l jail stint, her levels of FUGLY truly exceeded all others. Remember that one time she got felt up by Diana Ross? The cause: pasties instead of the entire right side of her dress. Oh yeah, it was bad.
3. Peaches
Pictures don't do Peaches' fugliness justice. Wait, maybe this one does:
But other than being a total badass, Peaches is basically the queen of intentional fugly. She revels in her fugly and owns it. For that reason she cannot be considered #1, because her decision to be fugly is intentional.
2. Amy Winehouse
Cheap shot. I'm sorry.
1. Lady Gaga
My feelings about Lady Gaga can be summarized as thus: STOP WEARING LEOTARDS, WOMAN. GODDAMNIT. I confess that I am somewhat prejudiced against Lady Gaga's clothing choices--I heard some absurd rumor that she was a hermaphrodite, which turns out to be a falsehood. But the damage was done. Now whenever I see her in a leotard, my eyes go to her crotch and my brain says, "THERE WAS A PENIS THERE." I don't know what's wrong with me. I have nothing against hermaphrodites, not that I know any personally. But despite her music being almost okay (like her dancing), something about Lady Gaga just reads FUGLYFUGLYFUGLY. Maybe it's the fact that she's über popular right now, coupled with her unabashed fugliness masquerading as "glam rock." Puh-lease. Bowie was glam, Lady Gaga is fail wrapped in a shiny plastic bow.
So without further ado, in increasing order of fugly:
10. P!nk
Okay, here's the thing about Pink. She needs not be fugly. In fact, she's not even all that fugly. But doesn't the whole "Hey, look, I'm such a badass because I feel bad about all the cocaine I snort" schtick get old? We get it. You're a bad girl gone good girl gone good-bad girl who dyes her hair pink. Like her name! Get it? Pink is a talented vocalist--if only she would stop pretending to be edgy and tortured by her past. Druggie angst is all good and well, but if it's meaningful. Deep down, I feel Pink isn't as angry as her songs seem, and the rebellious image is just general fugly fail.
9. Imogen Heap
Now, don't get me wrong, I love Imogen Heap. She is one talented-ass motherfucker. But like, since when is that dress okay? STOP BEING QUIRKY.
8. Avril Lavigne
"Not Avril!" you say. "She is beautiful!" And I shall respond, "Nay! She is FUGLY." She's a punk-pop deity, I get it. But it's the same thing as Pink, but with considerably less talent. Are you part raccoon? Your eyes seem strangely discolored--oh no, that's your makeup. Honestly, the girl is like a walking Hot Topic. And adhering so closely to that kind of stereotype is hardly cool.
7. Madonna (circa 2003 - present day)
Once upon a time, Madonna used to be cool. In a mainstream 80's kind of way, but cool nonetheless. This was back in the day when she was all, "I'm young and hot! Look at me use sex to shock the masses!" And they were shocked--the old ones, at least--so shocked that we, in our aforementioned shock, totally forgave all her FUGLY. But now, selling sex is soooo 2002. Now Madonna's just some old lady who makes us look at her crotch way too often.
6. Amy Lee
I'm totally not going to pretend I wasn't into Evanescence when I was in middle school. Like, really into them. I felt like every lyric applied to me. It spoke to my soul, man. And see, that's exactly it. Evanescence speaks to angsty middle school girls who had hopeless crushes on the most popular boys. And when I was 12, Amy Lee was the epitome of cool. But now that I think about it, FUGLY.
5. Miley Cyrus
Need I say more?
4. Li'l Kim
So Li'l Kim is hardly relevant to today's society, unless you're a Dancing with the "Stars" enthusiast. But before her li'l jail stint, her levels of FUGLY truly exceeded all others. Remember that one time she got felt up by Diana Ross? The cause: pasties instead of the entire right side of her dress. Oh yeah, it was bad.
3. Peaches
Click to viewPictures don't do Peaches' fugliness justice. Wait, maybe this one does:
But other than being a total badass, Peaches is basically the queen of intentional fugly. She revels in her fugly and owns it. For that reason she cannot be considered #1, because her decision to be fugly is intentional.
2. Amy Winehouse
Cheap shot. I'm sorry.
1. Lady Gaga
My feelings about Lady Gaga can be summarized as thus: STOP WEARING LEOTARDS, WOMAN. GODDAMNIT. I confess that I am somewhat prejudiced against Lady Gaga's clothing choices--I heard some absurd rumor that she was a hermaphrodite, which turns out to be a falsehood. But the damage was done. Now whenever I see her in a leotard, my eyes go to her crotch and my brain says, "THERE WAS A PENIS THERE." I don't know what's wrong with me. I have nothing against hermaphrodites, not that I know any personally. But despite her music being almost okay (like her dancing), something about Lady Gaga just reads FUGLYFUGLYFUGLY. Maybe it's the fact that she's über popular right now, coupled with her unabashed fugliness masquerading as "glam rock." Puh-lease. Bowie was glam, Lady Gaga is fail wrapped in a shiny plastic bow.