[FIC] Off Key.
Title: Off Key
Author: xmidnightblazex
Word Count: 2876
Warnings: CHARACTER DEATH. CHARACTER DEATH. DO NOT READ IT IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT. Also un-beta'd. My friend isn't online and I just wanted to get this out here. (:
Disclaimer: Not real. I hope it never happens.
Summary: Nothing sounds right without you here.
Rating: Um...pg-13 ish?
Note: Written for the lovely misskass ! I said I'd write a drabble but it turned into so much more. I hope you like it, bb. It took longer than I thought and I fought with it a good deal (:
Please don’t leave me.
(Age Nine.)
When the twins were nine they realized that one day they might not be together anymore. Their Grandmother had passed away that very same day. Simone was in ruins, unable to leave her room. Gordon had to calmly explain to them what had happened. Being nine they hadn’t fully realized exactly what the word dying meant.
Later that evening their Grandfather arrived alone. Tom thought it was weird seeing one without the other. “Papa, where’s Grandma?” he whispered, tugging on the sleeve of his sweater. His Grandfather smiled but it was a smile Tom had never seen before, a smile he wouldn’t be able to find words to explain for years to come.
“Your Grandmother is in heaven.” The older man kneeled down. Tom ignored his grimace of pain as he wormed his way into his Papa’s arms.
“But when will she be back?” he asked, pressing his face into his chest. His Grandfather smelled like freshly baked cookies, like all Grandparents were supposed to smell.
“She won’t be back, Tom.” The pain in his voice had Tom lifting his head. “She’s waiting for me now.”
“She won’t…but why didn’t she say goodbye?” he asked, biting his lip. “She never said goodbye!”
“I know, son…but she loves you very much.” Tom frowned. If she really loved him, wouldn’t she have said goodbye? Or maybe given him a cookie? His Grandmother made the best peanut butter cookies.
“How do you know?”
“She told me to tell you. Last night, in a dream.”
“She was in your dreams?” His Papa laughed a contagious laugh that had Tom giggling too.
“Boy, she was always in my dreams.” He ruffled Tom’s hair, slowly getting to his aching feet. “She loves you and your brother very much. One day, you will see her again but for now she’s right there,” he pointed to Tom’s heart. Tom crossed his hands over his chest. “In your heart.”
“She’s…in my heart?” he asked in breathless wonder.
“As long as you keep her there, she’ll be with you forever.” Tom curled his hand into a fist, as if he could really, physically hold her inside. He nodded, determined never to let her go. “One day, I’ll be in your heart too,” his Papa said, covering Tom’s small fist with his large, warm hand. “And so will your Mama and Gordon. And Bill, too.” Tom’s brow furrowed.
“Bill isn’t going to leave me.”
“Of course not, not anytime soon. You have nothing to worry about.”
“You said…but you said one day he’ll be in my heart!” Tom staggered backwards, staring up at his Grandfather’s face, searching for something he couldn’t understand.
“Tom...”
“Tomi?” Bill was peeking around the corner into the living room. Tom moved towards him without realizing so until suddenly he had his brother curled in his arms. “Gordon told me Grandma died and she’s never coming back but she didn’t say goodbye so she has to come back, right?”
“Grandpa said one day you’d be gone,” Tom whispered. Bill shivered, shaking his head despite having his face pressed into Tom’s chest.
“Grandpa lied.”
“Grandpa never lies!” Tom argued. His shoulders slumped when Bill sniffled. “Don’t cry, Bill…”
“I don’t want to leave you…and, and I don’t want you to leave me.”
“Then we’ll…we’ll never leave each other. We’ll go everywhere together!” Bill perked up, wiping his eyes. Tom smiled wide. He loved being the one to make Bill feel better.
“We’ll go everywhere together?” Tom nodded rapidly, hugging him tight. Bill squeaked, giggling into Tom’s neck. “Good. If you leave I won’t-”
“I’m not gonna leave.”
I tried so hard and got so far but in the end, it doesn't even matter.
Bill,
Nothing sounds right without you here. The guitar and piano are perpetually off key. Or maybe it’s just me that’s wrong. I feel mixed up, lost. It took me ten minutes last night just to remember what road to take to the grocery store. The same road we’ve gone down a hundred and ten times together. Mom freaked out when I got home but she’s always freaking out these days. I can’t blame her. Sometimes I think she thinks I’m not going to come home. Sometimes I think she’s right.
I miss you, baby brother. There is this hole in my chest that I can’t even explain. Mom’s got me on all sorts of medication but taking them makes me feel sick. Instead I lie down and listen to you. I guess if there is any plus about us being famous is that I can hear your voice whenever, wherever I want. It’s a comfort.
I write to you all the time. I don’t even know why, I know you’ll never read them and writing them makes it feel more real. I try to pretend this didn’t happen and that it’s all some sick dream I’ll eventually wake up from. Maybe I will. God, I hope I will.
I miss you. I love you. I never want to be without you.
“Tom?”
Tom looked up from the piano keys, glancing over his shoulder. Simone stood in the doorway, wrapped up tight in a quilted blanket. “Hi Mom…what are you doing awake?” The last time he looked at the clock it had been two thirty in the morning. Tom never slept anymore. Whenever he tried he would wake up in a sweat, memories of plane crashes and fire clear in his mind.
“I heard you playing.” He knew his Mother never slept well anymore either. The only one who did was Gordon and Tom didn’t know how he managed. “Are you alright? Oh, don’t give me that look…” Simone walked into the room, sitting down on the piano bench beside her son. “What are you doing?”
“I was…writing a letter to Bill,” he whispered, unable to meet Simone’s eyes. His fingers played over the keys, the same keys he had taught himself how to play on years ago. If he closed his eyes he could put himself back to that time but instead of his Mother at his side, it was Bill. It was Bill urging him on, promising sweet kisses and cuddles if he got it right. Tom always got it right when Bill promised kisses. “I was telling him how I can barely play anymore. Nothing sounds right.”
“I thought it sounded beautiful.” She wrapped her arm around Tom. It took him a moment before he leaned into her. “I’m sure Bill would agree.”
“I miss him, Mom.” Twenty years old and he was already alone. Years and years ago they had made a promise never to leave each other but here he was, alone and cold. Tom had no idea where to go with his life from here. “I miss him so much. I’m lost or something. I don’t even-”
“We’re all a little lost and I know you don’t want to hear it but things will get better, honey.” Tom shook his head. “It will, baby. It will. I can’t tell you when but…remember when your Grandmother died?” He nodded. That was the same time they had made their first promise to each other. “I felt just like you do right now. I feel just like you do right now. No parent should have to see one of their children die.”
“He was my twin! How am I supposed to….how am I supposed to go on and live my life without him?” As far as Tom was concerned, he couldn’t.
“Bill would want you to be happy.”
“I can’t be happy without him,” he pushed away from the piano, casting it a dirty, sickening gaze. “I’m going to go to bed.”
“Tom, I’m sorry there isn’t anything else I can do for you but be here for you.” Tom smiled sadly, kissing her forehead. Simone touched his cheek. “I love you, Tom. More than anything.”
"I know. Love you too, Mom.”
I'll meet you on the other side.
Bill,
Mom never lets me leave the house anymore. I know she’s trying to look out for me but it’s only making me feel more trapped. I need to get out of here; I need to find you again. I know you’re waiting for me. I know you want me to be there with you again. Mom is wrong. You wanted us to be together forever and we’re going to be.
I miss you.
Georg and Gustav are coming over today. It’ll be the first time I’ve seen them since your funeral. They want to go visit your grave. I don’t know if I can manage. Would you be upset if I skipped the chance? Would you be angry with me for not coming to visit? Why did it have to come down to this, Bill? Why?
Love forever,
Tom
Folding up the letter he shoved it beneath his pillow, along with the dozen others he had written. It was comforting to have them so close just like it was comforting to fall asleep beneath Bill’s covers and in Bill’s pajama pants. Simone frowned on it; Tom didn’t know how many times he had to stop her from throwing out things of Bill’s. Lately she hadn’t been so bad though, not since the night Tom broke down on her when he caught her trying to get rid of Bill’s stuffed bear. He shivered, stroking the bear’s soft fur. It was tucked warm beneath his blankets. He wasn’t obsessive, really. “Where the fuck are you, Bill?” If he closed his eyes and focused hard enough he could imagine Bill at his side. I'm right here, Tomi. I'll always be right here.
With a heavy heart he left the room.
Even if you can't hear my voice, I'll be right beside you.
Clutching tight to Georg and Gustav's hands, he made his way to the grave. Bill had been cremated, as the twins had decided they couldn't be apart in two separate coffins but Simone insisted on a grave stone so they could all be near each other. Bill's was in the middle of a large, beautiful cemetery. Tom would have been stunned if he was here for any other reason but this one.
“You'll be alright,” he heard Georg whisper in his ear as they approached the large black and silver grave. Kaulitz was engraved in some script that Tom could barely read but Bill's name, written smaller on the left side of the beautiful stone stood out. He knelt down, trailing his fingers through his engraved name.
“It's not fair, you know?” Tom whispered, unsure who he was even talking to. “When we were little we made this promise we'd always die together and now he's gone and I'm still here. Why am I still here?” As he was speaking his fingers trailed through Bill's name a second and third time.
Georg and Gustav shared a look behind Tom's back. “Tom, you're here because...”
“I'm not supposed to be here.”
“Yes you are. Bill wouldn't want it any other way, Tom. You know that,” Georg squeezed Tom's shoulder only to have his hand shrugged away. “Tom...if the both of you are gone who's going to take care of your Mother?”
“I don't know,” he murmured, pressing his forehead against the cold stone. “Gordon is still here.”
“You can't do that to her. Not again,” he said, more firmly this time. Tom's fingers clenched into a tight fist as he turned around. His eyes were lifeless but it was no longer a surprise. That glitter he usually had had been gone since the night before Bill's accident. “We're here for you...”
“It's not the same.”
“We know,” said Gustav, kneeling down at Tom's side. He took his hand, squeezing it tight between his fingers until Tom squeezed back. “He's still here. I wouldn't be surprised if he's watching us right now.” Tom lifted his head, looking around at the different tombstones. If Bill was watching, he would be able to see him but of course there was nothing. His heart clenched tight in his chest and his muscles tensed. “Tom...”
“I think it's time to go. I want to go home now.”
“Tom...we haven't even said a prayer for him,” Georg murmured but Tom was already getting to his feet and walking to the Escalade parked in front of Georg's new truck. “Or say goodbye,” he frowned, looking to Gustav for help. The once drummer shook his head, unable to find anything to say.
Tom climbed into his Escalade, clutching tight to the steering wheel. He buried his face in it, not even jumping when the horn went off suddenly. “You said you'd stay with me! You lied, you fucking...you fucking liar!” he shouted. He slammed his fist into the dashboard. It cracked beneath the force of his punch, cutting the skin on Tom's knuckles. His brain didn't even register the pain.
“Bill, Bill, Bill...” his shoulders shook with the intensity of the sob he was fighting. “I can't hear you, I can't feel you...you said you'd never leave,” he choked out, clutching tight to the steering wheel. “Why aren't you with me?”
“Tom, get out of the car,” Georg said, opening the driver side door. He took Tom's bleeding hand in his own, trying to help him out of the car. “Come on, I'm going to drive you home...” he said softly, warmly. Tom turned suddenly. Georg found himself wrapped up in Tom's arms with the younger boy crying freely into his shoulder. He held Tom back just as tightly. “You're gonna be OK, Tom. You're gonna be alright.”
“I'm going to be alright,” whispered Tom, in more pain than he could have ever imagined. Georg rubbed his back, helping him out of the car. Tom stumbled and shook but with the help of Georg and Gustav he managed to get to his feet without falling. “I want to say...goodbye to Bill,” he whispered, leaning into Gustav now. The drummer looked over Tom's shoulder to his best friend, who shrugged.
“Sure, alright. We'll go back...”
A few minutes later Tom was kneeling in front of Bill's grave. He leaned his head against the cold stone, pressing a kiss to the K in Kaulitz. “I'm gonna be OK, Bill,” he whispered to the grave stone, as if Bill would be able to hear him. He kissed the stone a second and a third time. “I'm ready now.” He got to his feet, reaching silently for Georg's hand.
“I'll see you guys later. Thanks for, um...bringing me here,” he leaned against his car, noting the uneasiness in their eyes. “I'm going to be alright, I promise.” He pushed away from the car, hugging them tight.
“We love you, you know,” said Gustav, reluctant to let Tom go.
Tom smiled. “I know. I love you guys too.” He opened his car door. “Thanks. Again,” he said, getting into his car. He shut the door, pulling out of the cemetery.
“Gustav...” said Georg, watching his car pull out and disappear.
“Yeah.” Gustav's searching hand from Georg's and he held tight. “We should go to Simone.”
“Do you think she....?”
"She does.”
I'll follow you into the dark.
Six weeks passed since Bill's death and two since Tom's, Simone found the letter beneath a stuffed bear she vaguely recalled buying Bill when he was a little boy, along with the others her son had written to Bill in the four weeks he had been without his twin. She had cried enough tears for a life time but as she sat down to read the last bit of Tom left for her, they gathered and fell.
Mom, Gordon, Gustav and Georg,
You know the last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt you guys but I couldn't live like this any longer. I'm surprised I made it as long as I did without him. I always frowned down on the thought of suicide. I always thought it was for the weak, the ones who couldn't suck it up and fight. I didn't realize that one day I would become that person but I gave up fighting a long time ago.
You all meant so much to the both of us, I don't think you'll ever understand all you've done for Bill and I and we'll be watching out for you. Don't do anything stupid, alright? And Mom, please don't cry. I hate it when you cry. I'm not alone anymore. I'm happy. I want you to be happy too. Bill and I are together and that's all I've ever needed.
I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.
Good bye,
Tom
<3
Song mentioned and listened to while writing this are:
I'll follow you into the dark by Death Cab for Cutie
Run by Leona Lewis
Please Don't Leave Me by Pink
Sad Day for Happiness by Cinema Bizarre
An original composition written by a friend
and In the End by Linkin Park. (: