Can you imagine..
Can you honestly imagine what has gone through my head in the past about 4 to 5 days. It may take a lot of intellectual confidence to comprehend what I am about to say. So please keep up.
So lately, I have been thinking a lot. Not mainly about myself but more about the people around me and where they are heading. Breanna, I could honestly give a careless about. I got so angry with everything that I set her picture on fire because the girl that gave me that picture wasn't the same as the one I was thinking about at the time. I never do that. I never thought that I would do that. Im sorry to say that its true. Im not going to talk shit but that happened a while back, I just haven't really told anyone. Sorry if you are offended by the Breanna. Call me immature but I just did it out of anger. I feel like a little kid going "HA Take that." ..What am I talking about? I still do that. haha. On the other hand Allie, I dont know what to do about her. I always used to question myself if she liked me more as a friend because of her sexualty and her attachment to me so quickly in 8th grade. I always used to ask her .. "Allie do you like me more than a friend." I kinda have to giggle to myself when she replies with a "Wtf. Kersten. No."I figured out that she doesn't but that she just found comfort with me to come to me and talk to me about her dad, her brother, just basically everything. I am kinda proud of myself being the one that she runs to. Yea, she is a year younger then me, but she acts so much more mature. All of it still makes me feel like an older sister. Then again, at times I think she has more intelligence then me. I bet if she tried she would stop saying "Ker, you are so smart. I am jealous." She would be proud of herself for everything that she does and actually take things as they are. She won't be so negative about things once she gets confidence in herself. What better way to attack life then by being prepared to take the criticism and the compliments and just move on. That words are words. They don't mean anything. Yea they may hurt her but still, you learn to be come stronger with that. Why take in someone's words if they know nothing about you? I am still proud of her for everything she has done. She tries to make it better for herself and she tries to make things work with her dad, but hes so strict. Her dad basically has no trust in her unless I am with her. Its like come on now. I know shes made some mistakes, but some leeway would be nice. She cant be couped up in that house to herself. I honestly think she would go physcatic. It's so weird how diverse my little "group" is. I mean I have Carrie, Allie and Nate (<--- recently the newest addition).
I just got tired of all this petty shit going on. I mean immature little 5th grade fights. Girls being jealous of girls, starting shit. I mean why do people always think that they are better than eachother? Yea not everyone is like that. I mean Jay is an example of someone who doesn't think he is better than everyone else. He never judged any body for what they have gone through, yet he still thinks highly of himself. He never goes "Oh yea I am way better then he/she will ever be." Well at times, yea he does brag a bit but its not like he tries to use it against someone. I am quite appalled by that by the way. But I mean just look how diverse everything is. Allie is more of the type to sit back and relax, but when things get heated she is always there. She is the type to sit in the car, look out the window and not say anything. She could care or less if people like her or not, she'll protect her beliefs but she doens't like to get caught up in drama. She is her own masterpiece. Carrie is the type that. She is loud (no offense its a characteristic that I enjoy Chy) and lieks to the center of attentcion In other words people would say fake. I say perfectly lovely. I wounldn't have it any other way. I still love her to death. Nate, my god. That krazyassmofo. lol Who couldn't enjoy Nater's company? Great guy right there. I don't know why, but how come all of the parents love him? I am still pondering that (you sneaky bastard).
I have just been thinking a lot about everything. Especially today since I haven't been feeling too good. I just took out about an hour of my life and just sat there. Thinking, comprehending, and just...living. I've noticed that I apprciate so much more in life. Like the other day, Carrie, Allie and I were driving around. We were in the middle of no where and I looked out the window. I saw the sun peaking through the smallest part of the cloudy sky. I didn't see it just as the sun shine shining through, I saw it as life. I saw it as.. a new beginning, an introduction to worlds that are unknown to this one. I just sat there staring. I was amazed, no not amazed more of astounded on how this world just works. How people just take things for granted. How such little things as the sun shine going through the clouds should be appreciated so much more. Just for what it is and what it stands for. It may seem so little, but looking at that made me think about so much more. I haven't been able to get that vision of my head since that day. It's been stuck there like some thing impelled me to remember that beautiful sight. That ride home, I thought about Jay. Im not gunna sit here and lecture about how I felt or feel. I just have to get it out. I thought about him after seeing that. I don't know if that means anything to him or anyone, but it does to me. I thought about how lucky I was to have such good friends and people that care. I wouldn't lose them or him for anything. If I could I would take the world and turn it upside down to just give everything that I found in him, friends included too. Yea I sit here and put up them lame ass away messages. I sound so fucken emo with that shit. I'll tell you this, I am not going back to how I was. You can count on that. Despite my family issues, I couldn't be happier. Honestly, I thought about how little this world was and how stupid I was for the things that I did. Then again everything happens for a reason. Just like seeing that sun shine happened for a reason. Im not saying that the world is little little, but I mean compared to what is beyond the stars and the moon, the world seems like a little point on the map of the universe.Truthfully, I look at life differently. It's odd. I dont know how to explain it. I still can't believe how dumbfounded I was by the whole thing. How over the past 4-5 days, I just thought and thought. I am sure that I dont quite understand everything just yet, but I am starting to come to a conclusion that everything has a purpose and not everything is out to get me. I have friends because they need me as much as I need them. The people that I lose, yea I will miss them but then again it makes me stronger as a person.
From childhood to my young teenage, do you have any idea how people say yea right, your dreams of the future are foolish. Are they really? Did I really waste my time as a child on my imagination. I think not. Why do people have to be so crutial towards a childs life. I don't understand how any adult could crush the dreams of their child. In all of this, I thought about my family too. I've realized how fucked up my dad is, I don't think I will ever look at him, talk to him, or act the same around him. I say that and I mean. He has said "I love you" every night to me. I have said nothing. He jokes around to my mom and says " she doesn't love me." My mom replys with a " Yea she does. She just plays hard to get." Do I really? I think not. How can I say I love you to him after everything? I found it to be easing to sit down with a piece of paper and just write. I think I can make a book out of everything. I've accumulated so many pages of my own handwritting, words, and feelings. I bet my mom would read it and not understand a thing of it. Sometimes I think she is so blinded with his lies, its pathetic. I hate to say that too because I love my mom to death. However, I don't trust my dad for anything. Every word that he spills out of his rotting mouth, I look as lies and I kill myself with it. I've wasted so many tears over all of it. I try to ask myself if all of it was worth it. I don't know how to answer myself. I'm lost in my own ephiany of words.
So lately, I have been thinking a lot. Not mainly about myself but more about the people around me and where they are heading. Breanna, I could honestly give a careless about. I got so angry with everything that I set her picture on fire because the girl that gave me that picture wasn't the same as the one I was thinking about at the time. I never do that. I never thought that I would do that. Im sorry to say that its true. Im not going to talk shit but that happened a while back, I just haven't really told anyone. Sorry if you are offended by the Breanna. Call me immature but I just did it out of anger. I feel like a little kid going "HA Take that." ..What am I talking about? I still do that. haha. On the other hand Allie, I dont know what to do about her. I always used to question myself if she liked me more as a friend because of her sexualty and her attachment to me so quickly in 8th grade. I always used to ask her .. "Allie do you like me more than a friend." I kinda have to giggle to myself when she replies with a "Wtf. Kersten. No."I figured out that she doesn't but that she just found comfort with me to come to me and talk to me about her dad, her brother, just basically everything. I am kinda proud of myself being the one that she runs to. Yea, she is a year younger then me, but she acts so much more mature. All of it still makes me feel like an older sister. Then again, at times I think she has more intelligence then me. I bet if she tried she would stop saying "Ker, you are so smart. I am jealous." She would be proud of herself for everything that she does and actually take things as they are. She won't be so negative about things once she gets confidence in herself. What better way to attack life then by being prepared to take the criticism and the compliments and just move on. That words are words. They don't mean anything. Yea they may hurt her but still, you learn to be come stronger with that. Why take in someone's words if they know nothing about you? I am still proud of her for everything she has done. She tries to make it better for herself and she tries to make things work with her dad, but hes so strict. Her dad basically has no trust in her unless I am with her. Its like come on now. I know shes made some mistakes, but some leeway would be nice. She cant be couped up in that house to herself. I honestly think she would go physcatic. It's so weird how diverse my little "group" is. I mean I have Carrie, Allie and Nate (<--- recently the newest addition).
I just got tired of all this petty shit going on. I mean immature little 5th grade fights. Girls being jealous of girls, starting shit. I mean why do people always think that they are better than eachother? Yea not everyone is like that. I mean Jay is an example of someone who doesn't think he is better than everyone else. He never judged any body for what they have gone through, yet he still thinks highly of himself. He never goes "Oh yea I am way better then he/she will ever be." Well at times, yea he does brag a bit but its not like he tries to use it against someone. I am quite appalled by that by the way. But I mean just look how diverse everything is. Allie is more of the type to sit back and relax, but when things get heated she is always there. She is the type to sit in the car, look out the window and not say anything. She could care or less if people like her or not, she'll protect her beliefs but she doens't like to get caught up in drama. She is her own masterpiece. Carrie is the type that. She is loud (no offense its a characteristic that I enjoy Chy) and lieks to the center of attentcion In other words people would say fake. I say perfectly lovely. I wounldn't have it any other way. I still love her to death. Nate, my god. That krazyassmofo. lol Who couldn't enjoy Nater's company? Great guy right there. I don't know why, but how come all of the parents love him? I am still pondering that (you sneaky bastard).
I have just been thinking a lot about everything. Especially today since I haven't been feeling too good. I just took out about an hour of my life and just sat there. Thinking, comprehending, and just...living. I've noticed that I apprciate so much more in life. Like the other day, Carrie, Allie and I were driving around. We were in the middle of no where and I looked out the window. I saw the sun peaking through the smallest part of the cloudy sky. I didn't see it just as the sun shine shining through, I saw it as life. I saw it as.. a new beginning, an introduction to worlds that are unknown to this one. I just sat there staring. I was amazed, no not amazed more of astounded on how this world just works. How people just take things for granted. How such little things as the sun shine going through the clouds should be appreciated so much more. Just for what it is and what it stands for. It may seem so little, but looking at that made me think about so much more. I haven't been able to get that vision of my head since that day. It's been stuck there like some thing impelled me to remember that beautiful sight. That ride home, I thought about Jay. Im not gunna sit here and lecture about how I felt or feel. I just have to get it out. I thought about him after seeing that. I don't know if that means anything to him or anyone, but it does to me. I thought about how lucky I was to have such good friends and people that care. I wouldn't lose them or him for anything. If I could I would take the world and turn it upside down to just give everything that I found in him, friends included too. Yea I sit here and put up them lame ass away messages. I sound so fucken emo with that shit. I'll tell you this, I am not going back to how I was. You can count on that. Despite my family issues, I couldn't be happier. Honestly, I thought about how little this world was and how stupid I was for the things that I did. Then again everything happens for a reason. Just like seeing that sun shine happened for a reason. Im not saying that the world is little little, but I mean compared to what is beyond the stars and the moon, the world seems like a little point on the map of the universe.Truthfully, I look at life differently. It's odd. I dont know how to explain it. I still can't believe how dumbfounded I was by the whole thing. How over the past 4-5 days, I just thought and thought. I am sure that I dont quite understand everything just yet, but I am starting to come to a conclusion that everything has a purpose and not everything is out to get me. I have friends because they need me as much as I need them. The people that I lose, yea I will miss them but then again it makes me stronger as a person.
From childhood to my young teenage, do you have any idea how people say yea right, your dreams of the future are foolish. Are they really? Did I really waste my time as a child on my imagination. I think not. Why do people have to be so crutial towards a childs life. I don't understand how any adult could crush the dreams of their child. In all of this, I thought about my family too. I've realized how fucked up my dad is, I don't think I will ever look at him, talk to him, or act the same around him. I say that and I mean. He has said "I love you" every night to me. I have said nothing. He jokes around to my mom and says " she doesn't love me." My mom replys with a " Yea she does. She just plays hard to get." Do I really? I think not. How can I say I love you to him after everything? I found it to be easing to sit down with a piece of paper and just write. I think I can make a book out of everything. I've accumulated so many pages of my own handwritting, words, and feelings. I bet my mom would read it and not understand a thing of it. Sometimes I think she is so blinded with his lies, its pathetic. I hate to say that too because I love my mom to death. However, I don't trust my dad for anything. Every word that he spills out of his rotting mouth, I look as lies and I kill myself with it. I've wasted so many tears over all of it. I try to ask myself if all of it was worth it. I don't know how to answer myself. I'm lost in my own ephiany of words.