fuck.
k this whole, im going to be happy thing isnt really working out for me. i think its probably because i dont have a job and im not in school, so im just home. sitting, watching tv, or writing, or drawing, or here on the computer. thinking. about everything. and its not good. i liked having a job, even though it was hellll, but i was doing something, and i didnt have time to think about anything really. now, im back to where i started. kind of like when i first came here, the wound is still fresh, now i have to wait another 4 months for it to heal. only to go back again, to have it ripped open again in june when i go back. i didnt end things too well this time. maybe in june i wont have to deal with it. i just want it all to go the fuck away. i cant fucking stand it anymore. bahhh..im trying to figure out what school to go to..what to do while im in this school. but wait i have no idea what i wanna do. i have no idea, because i dont know what i like. i dont know who i am. i ahve no idea what im interested in, i dont think im good at anything. if i think of something i might wanna do i think, wait i dont have the brains for that so im not gonna be able to do it. and other times when i think of something else and i tell someone, they put me down, saying, you wont be able to do that, or thats not a good career for you to be in. fuck i try to better myself, make changes in my life, but i cant do thm cuz i always gets put down, and im fucking sick of it. im sick of how god damn low my fucking self esteam is, and i can never seem to get it up. fucking fuck. i dont know what to do anymore. i dont know if moving here was a mistake, ? was leaving newfoundland a mistake? was ever opening my heart to someone a mistake. FUCK i have all this god damn love for one person and its all going to waste. it all probably ment fuck all to them. god damn fuck.
i think of moving back. i miss all my god damn GOOD friends like shit, and i just want them all back. i want to be with them, i want them there, right next to me, not miles away. why did i move, i want to go back to the days in the beginning of our friendship, back at adelles birthday party, we all started to hang out, no drama, no tears, no heartbreak. nothing, just friendship and happiness. now im here, hurting, confused as fuck, completely lost in everything, and i dont know what to do.