amourous anxiety means nothing when they're actually a beautiful person
and by that, I'm implying that although those types of feelings exist, when compared to someone's personality, they are trite, and fleeting, and just so rudimentary. I've been contemplating the reasons for my infatuation with romantic-drama films lately, and to a slighter degree romantic-comedies, and I've come to suspect that I long for a deeper connection than most men, or perhaps most people in general. I never had that "phase" in life where I was with a lot of girls. Maybe because I didn't think it was possible, but I know it was and probably still is. No, what I truly think is that those types of meaningless connections have never appealed to me. Don't get me wrong, I've had one-night stands and they were like a night of drinking; you enjoyed the night, got a little buzzed, but the morning after comes and you'll just be compelled to do it again. There's a kind of emptiness to it. A space that you try to fill with a disappearing substance. And the process of refilling that space, daily, nightly, hourly, wares you out emotionally, physically, and psychologically. I'm not sure if it's that or just my own blatant lack of self-esteem, but finding something that has the possibilty of lasting seems like the smarter decision. The downfall is that if you ever do find someone that you connect with, something that could possibly last, you have to surrender to the fact that you will be vulnerable. Allowing that to happen can be frightening and you will get hurt. Life and love are pain. It's the facet of having to potentially repeat that same pain, risking it all thatTo share that part of yourself, once you've mutually done that, I think it leaves a mark. A scar, if you will. When you've been that comfortable with someone, it doesn't really ever go away. Trust, safety, reliability, happiness; it's those feelings that remain with you. It's human nature, and really just the innate survival instincts of every sentient being, to hold on to those memories, those experiences, because you know you will survive with that person. The higher planes of emotion that go with that though... seeing a future, seeing yourself sharing your lives together, having children, all of those serious things that people all say they're looking for, they're really not. Not right now at least. It's a veneer that they feel socially forced to portray. And ultimately, they're right. You cannot force that kind of connection. If you're supposed to be in a relationship then you will be. As long as you leave yourself open to possibilities then you'll never cheat yourself out of an opportunity with someone. More to come.
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