(no subject)
So, I've come to the conclusion that I'm a horrible girlfriend. I do'nt even know what Joe's still doing with me. He doesn't deserve any of the things I put him through. He must really and truly love me, and I definitely don't deserve it. I know that I need to change a lot of the things I do or say and how I act, not myself as a person, but the things I do that are just unnecessary and hurtful, the things that are ruining our relationship. I don't know why I do them, I honestly and truly don't. I'm very insecure in a lot of ways, and I take that into our relationship when I shouldn't. It's not fair to him. Part of me wants to break up with him, just save him the future hurt I know I'm probably going to cause. I love him more than anything in the world, and I don't want to live another day of my life without him, but part of me feels like being without him would be better than being with him and hurting him. It'd be better for him. He could be happy, I wouldn't keep hurting him. And I know that I can change if I try hard enough, which I definitely plan to do because he means more to me than anything else in this world, but I'm afraid that I can't. I'm going to do what it takes, even if that means having to be without him, whether it's for a little while, or forever, because I can't keep hurting him, I can't, it kills me to see him hurting, to know that I caused that pain. I don't want to be without him, but if that's what I have to do to stop hurting him, then that's what I have to do, but it's going to be my very last resort.
The fight was completely stupid and not what I meant to happen at all. There were some things I needed to talk to him about, and that was all I wanted, to talk, to apologize for some things earlier in the day, and go on with the day. Somehow along the line we got into a fight, a big one. I said some things that did not even deserve to be said, that didn't need to be said. I asked questions I knew the answers to just to have him reinforce it for me since I'm insecure. But I shouldn't have. He said that he doesn't think we're ready to be at the level of our relationship that we're at, that we need to take a step back basically. He said he thinks we need to spend less time together and not sleep together every night. But I've been sleeping with him every single night this year. The only times we haven't has been over vacation when we're both at our own houses. Even towards the end of last year we slept in the same bed every night. I can't not sleep with him. He brought this up and I felt like my heart was breaking, I was hysterical. I convinced him to compromise with me. I'll stay in my room every night until 12, later if he needs, and then I'll go down and sleep there. I'll leave when he leaves in the morning, hopefully he'll let me sleep late on Tuesday's and Thursday's, but if he doesn't let me, he doesn't let me. It just sucks...but what can ya do?
All I know is I love him.
The fight was completely stupid and not what I meant to happen at all. There were some things I needed to talk to him about, and that was all I wanted, to talk, to apologize for some things earlier in the day, and go on with the day. Somehow along the line we got into a fight, a big one. I said some things that did not even deserve to be said, that didn't need to be said. I asked questions I knew the answers to just to have him reinforce it for me since I'm insecure. But I shouldn't have. He said that he doesn't think we're ready to be at the level of our relationship that we're at, that we need to take a step back basically. He said he thinks we need to spend less time together and not sleep together every night. But I've been sleeping with him every single night this year. The only times we haven't has been over vacation when we're both at our own houses. Even towards the end of last year we slept in the same bed every night. I can't not sleep with him. He brought this up and I felt like my heart was breaking, I was hysterical. I convinced him to compromise with me. I'll stay in my room every night until 12, later if he needs, and then I'll go down and sleep there. I'll leave when he leaves in the morning, hopefully he'll let me sleep late on Tuesday's and Thursday's, but if he doesn't let me, he doesn't let me. It just sucks...but what can ya do?
All I know is I love him.