A Long Post From A Broken Heart
So today is Academic Review day here on campus and many students much like myself have spent the better part of the day studying their brains out.... Well then again maybe some people have just take a good old fashioned Mental Health day, I wish I could.
With 1 paper left to edit and 2 left to write I am freaking out.... How am I suppose to study for my exams and write these dang papers?
But, with all the stress comes the depression,
Life has been hard lately, and not just in the school arena. I'm not happy 90% of the time because what I want most I can't have. College was advertised to me as the time of my life, where I would bond with girls that lived on my hall and go out to parties and just have fun. Well that's not the case. I think I'm not like normal college kids, in that I know what I want in life,and so I don't need college to make me seem productive while I figure out what to do with my life. I know!
I mean being mature has it's advantages but right now I hate it. I wish I could just live each day not caring what I do that day,I wish I could just call my parents when I need money, I wish my parents were paying for college, I wish Eric was still in college so we could do the college thing together, I wish I could just live life to have fun and make friends, I wish I didn't care about morals, I wish I did have to set boundaries, I wish I could just fall in love and give it all I had, I wish I didn't have to hold so much back, but I can't because I actually have goals, morals, dreams and wants that I would like to obtain.
I changed my major once since I have been in college and that was merely from Early Childhood Education to English Education, not much of a leap. I want to teach because teaching will allow me to have the kind of family life that I have dreamed of! I am not single. I am happily taken by a wonderful man that I want to marry, but college and everything else keeps getting in the way of that!
Sometimes I think I should just take a break, It's obviously become too much for me to handle. Maybe if I took a break and was just single and only focused on working and school, maybe I would be happy... It's something to think about, but then again it's not because I LOVE ERIC! I love him more than people think I do, solely because I am 20 years old but I beg to argue with that. Back in the day people married at my age and their marriages lasted decades, now a days people wait till their 30's or 40's and their marriages last years. So yes I know what love is, I have felt, I have smelled it and I am in it! But it's hard to contain and so many things are in my way that cause me to contain my love, to hold off on truly experiencing all that love has to offer.
The number on thing being College. It consumes everything, all my time, all my effort, all my money and all my happiness. I'd rather spend 10 years as a part time college student, working full time, and married to the man of my dreams than the way things are now. I live with crappy roommates who wont clean up after themselves and when I bring it up they deny that they don't clean yet some how the apartment and kitchen are still a mess! I know it may not seem like a big deal but who wants to have people over when your sink is piled with food encrusted dishes! But no matter how you try to bring it up or talk about it there is always drama, why? Is it to much to ask that they realize that four people use the kitchen and so they need to use common courtesy and clean up after themselves!
GRRRRRRR Why does life suck!
Why does everyone else seem to always get what they want? Why does everyone else seem to be happy and I am not? What happened? What did I do wrong? Why did I have to meet Eric so early in my college career if it was only going to torture me to be apart from him? Why can't I have friends who understand how desperately I want to be with Eric? Why can't my friends be supportive of me? Why am I constantly chastised for being in love? Why can't people just love me for who I am? Why do I always have to conform to meet their needs? Why do I have to change who I am and how I act for them to actually give me the time of day? Why can't Eric be in college with me? Would that make me enjoy college? Is Eric the one or is he just my exit out of this crappy life? Am I like the girl in the story of Eveline?
Who decided life should be hard?
-Broken Hearted.
With 1 paper left to edit and 2 left to write I am freaking out.... How am I suppose to study for my exams and write these dang papers?
But, with all the stress comes the depression,
Life has been hard lately, and not just in the school arena. I'm not happy 90% of the time because what I want most I can't have. College was advertised to me as the time of my life, where I would bond with girls that lived on my hall and go out to parties and just have fun. Well that's not the case. I think I'm not like normal college kids, in that I know what I want in life,and so I don't need college to make me seem productive while I figure out what to do with my life. I know!
I mean being mature has it's advantages but right now I hate it. I wish I could just live each day not caring what I do that day,I wish I could just call my parents when I need money, I wish my parents were paying for college, I wish Eric was still in college so we could do the college thing together, I wish I could just live life to have fun and make friends, I wish I didn't care about morals, I wish I did have to set boundaries, I wish I could just fall in love and give it all I had, I wish I didn't have to hold so much back, but I can't because I actually have goals, morals, dreams and wants that I would like to obtain.
I changed my major once since I have been in college and that was merely from Early Childhood Education to English Education, not much of a leap. I want to teach because teaching will allow me to have the kind of family life that I have dreamed of! I am not single. I am happily taken by a wonderful man that I want to marry, but college and everything else keeps getting in the way of that!
Sometimes I think I should just take a break, It's obviously become too much for me to handle. Maybe if I took a break and was just single and only focused on working and school, maybe I would be happy... It's something to think about, but then again it's not because I LOVE ERIC! I love him more than people think I do, solely because I am 20 years old but I beg to argue with that. Back in the day people married at my age and their marriages lasted decades, now a days people wait till their 30's or 40's and their marriages last years. So yes I know what love is, I have felt, I have smelled it and I am in it! But it's hard to contain and so many things are in my way that cause me to contain my love, to hold off on truly experiencing all that love has to offer.
The number on thing being College. It consumes everything, all my time, all my effort, all my money and all my happiness. I'd rather spend 10 years as a part time college student, working full time, and married to the man of my dreams than the way things are now. I live with crappy roommates who wont clean up after themselves and when I bring it up they deny that they don't clean yet some how the apartment and kitchen are still a mess! I know it may not seem like a big deal but who wants to have people over when your sink is piled with food encrusted dishes! But no matter how you try to bring it up or talk about it there is always drama, why? Is it to much to ask that they realize that four people use the kitchen and so they need to use common courtesy and clean up after themselves!
GRRRRRRR Why does life suck!
Why does everyone else seem to always get what they want? Why does everyone else seem to be happy and I am not? What happened? What did I do wrong? Why did I have to meet Eric so early in my college career if it was only going to torture me to be apart from him? Why can't I have friends who understand how desperately I want to be with Eric? Why can't my friends be supportive of me? Why am I constantly chastised for being in love? Why can't people just love me for who I am? Why do I always have to conform to meet their needs? Why do I have to change who I am and how I act for them to actually give me the time of day? Why can't Eric be in college with me? Would that make me enjoy college? Is Eric the one or is he just my exit out of this crappy life? Am I like the girl in the story of Eveline?
Who decided life should be hard?
-Broken Hearted.