In Caelum Intramus (We enter into Heaven) 4
Title: In Caelum Intramus (We enter into Heaven) 4/
Author: Meg-chan (xme_chanx)
Pairing: Shou/Saga
Rating: NC-17
Genre: angst, yaoi
Warnings: sex, angst, mentions of self mutilation, anorexia, depression
Disclaimer: I do not own these boys, I wish I did. I do own the story and will use brute force if you steal it. No beta.
Summary: We were finally together, everything was perfect, and then I found out the truth. He hid so much from me, but I was ok with that if he’d stay with me, and promise me never to do it again.
X-Posted: My journal, aliceinloveland
Chapter 4
I looked into his brown eyes and knew that he was serious.
“Why would you do that?” I asked him. He shook his head.
“You say you see me and I’m skinny. I don’t see that. I see imperfection; I see all the places that aren’t skinny. That’s why I weigh myself.” He whispered. I pulled him into a hug.
“How did I let you get like this?” I asked him. He started to shake again and I held him close, praying that I could make him better.
A day later:
“Saga, we need to tell the others.” I said quickly. He looked at me with a raised eyebrow.
“Why?”
“Because, you don’t always listen to me, and maybe you’d listen to them, besides, they deserve to know.” I explained gently. I’m trying to be as non-confrontational as possible, lately. Saga just seems so fragile, like if I say or do the wrong thing he’ll break mentally. I want to be with him no matter what, but I want him to be happy. I want him to love himself.
“I don’t want to.” He said flatly, and turned away. I sighed quietly.
“Well, you have to do something. If you start a healthy diet again, I won’t tell.” I stated. Saga looked over his shoulder at me.
“Fine.” He agreed. I nodded.
“You have to do it, because the first time you argue with me over food, I’m calling your parents and the band.” I said. Saga looked angry.
“You have no right to do that.” He snapped. I crossed my arms and glared at him.
“I have every right to do that. As your lover and friend, I can do whatever it takes to make you healthy again. You’re at risk for anemia, and all kinds of other shit, Saga. You have to listen to me, or I will find another way, or someone that you will listen to. Understand?” I said sharply.
Saga huffed and nodded. He rubbed his hands over his eyes and waved at me.
“I’m going to go lie down.” He mumbled.
A moment later I heard the door slam, along with the sound of faint sobs.
I know this isn’t what he wants, but it’s what is best. That should count for more, right? It should, but it doesn’t, I thought bitterly. I trudged down the hall into the bedroom. I opened the door quietly and sat down next to Saga. He looked at me through tear-filled eyes.
“Why are you so upset that I want to help you?” I asked quietly.
“Because part of me wants to stay the same. I want to be left to this. I know it isn’t realistic or practical, but I want it.” He whispered. He squeezed his eyes shut and let out a shaky breath.
I pulled him to me, and he snuggled into my lap. I stroked his hair, and kissed the top of his head.
“Shou, why do you stay with me?” He asked in a small voice. I smiled at him.
“Because you’re wonderful. You are talented, kind, sarcastic, brilliant, and handsome. You are lovely Saga. I wish you could see what everyone else sees when they look at you.”
“They don’t see what’s inside though, they wouldn’t like the inside.” He whispered. I snuggled him tighter.
“Saga, I promise we will all still love you.” He shook his head.
“No. Don’t assume you know, Shou.” He pushed me away and got up, walking to the bathroom.
I heard the shower start, and when I was sure he was in the bathroom, I called Nao.
“Hai, moshi moshi!” Nao’s cherry voice made me smile.
“Hi Nao, I need to talk to you. Can we meet at Starbucks in about half an hour?” I asked, ignoring the guilt weighing on my chest.
“Ah, sure. I’ll see you there!” I said goodbye and hung up. I started fishing for something to wear and got dressed. I waited until I was completely ready to go before telling Saga I was leaving.
I stood outside the bathroom door. I feel terrible about this, but I don’t think I can handle this by myself.
“Saga!! I’m going to get some coffee, do you want anything?” I yelled through the door.
“No. Thank you anyway.” He said icily. I sighed and ran my hand through my hair.
“I’ll see you later, then. Aishiteru.” I said, walking away.
“Aishiteru, Shou.” He yelled. I smiled. At least we’ve got that much.
~~~~~
Nao was smiling and sipping some new coffee drink when I arrived. He pointed at the seat across from him, he had gotten me a drink already. I smiled and sat down.
“Is it about Saga-chan?” He asked. Way to be point-blank Nao. I nodded.
“So he isn’t eating then.” Nao said sadly. I nodded again, and fought the tears that started to sting my eyes.
“He doesn’t think he’s handsome, Nao-kun. He thinks we won’t love him anymore.” I whispered. I was afraid to raise my voice, afraid it would crack.
“I’m so sorry, Shou-kun.” Nao said softly.
“I’m sorry to bother you with this, Nao-kun. I just don’t think I can handle all of it on my own.” I said. I hate that I feel like I can’t handle it, I hate that part of me is completely disgusted with Saga for behaving this way. I hate that he never told me about how he was feeling.
“Shou-kun, are you ok?” Nao asked. I shook my head.
“I’m not ok, Nao. I want him to get better, I want to help him. But it hurts, to know that he wouldn’t tell me something so important.” I rubbed my eyes roughly.
“Well, firstly, we need to get him eating again, then we need to basically rebuild his body image.” Nao said authoritatively. I gave him a look.
“What?” He asked. I nodded.
“I’m glad you know these things.” I answered. Nao grinned.
“I looked it up on my computer. You should give him zinc. They say it helps stimulate the appetite. He’s going to be ok, Shou-kun.”
“Thank you, Nao-kun. I need to get back.” I stood up and stretched.
“Shou, I won’t tell anyone else. When Saga’s ready he can tell them.” Nao gave me an encouraging smile and a hug. I sighed.
“I’ll see you tomorrow at practice.” I said.
As I stepped out of the coffee shop, the air was cold and it looked like rain. That figures.
I flipped open my phone to call Saga.
“Moshi moshi, Shou-chan.” He said cheerily.
“I’m stopping at the Supermarket. Do you want anything in particular?” I asked.
“Hai, onigiri.” Saga replied. I grinned.
“Ok, I’ll see you in about 30 minutes.”
“Ok, bye bye Shou-chan.” Saga sang.
“Jyaane.” I hung up. I’ve got to get some zinc. Why do I have the feeling that getting Saga to take it is going to be like giving an angry cat a bath?
~Notes~
Whew! Angst. Now Poor Shou has to rehabilitate a not always cooperative Saga-chan. Mental disorders are a bitch.
This is different from my original idea, and I'm still not sure how I feel about it.
On another note: We get to pump Saga full of zinc now!! Woot!
Even more note: School is taking up lots of time. Entering the 2nd round of tests, so be patient with updates. I promise I’ll do what I can.
Comments are fantastic.
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