(no subject)
i feel like no one knows anything about what's going on in my life. i thought i'd post here for my own record. there has been three major things to happen in my life in the past 9 months. i will give a little synopsis on each and then get into them more later.
my brother had a child. i didn't think i would be as excited about it as i was. his name is harrison. he's great. i don't spend much time with him, as he gets attention from everyone else when i'm around. i'm just waiting until he gets a little older. then i'll be there to be a fun uncle. i still get time with him now, but i think it's more important for my parents to get time with him and stuff.
my dad has cancer. stage 4 urothelial cancer. it started in his urinary tract and spread to his spine, lymph nodes, and other bones. he was in pain for a few months that he was chalking up to old age. but the cancer that spread to his spine was growing so much that it cracked a vertebra and was pushing on his spinal cord. he has gotten through radiation, chemotherapy, more radiation, and is currently going through immunotherapy. it's a struggle. the life expectancy is unknown. he is still in good spirits. he can walk around. he just gets tired. i go to my parents every sunday and spend time with him. and i'm constantly in contact with my mom about the latest on his treatments and appointments. it's just fucking hard, man. it's hard to see a parent go through this knowing that there's nothing you can do. we're just constantly waiting to see how he reacts to the treatments. hopefully by the end of the year he is back to some sort of normalcy, but that remains to be seen. just have to stay positive.
i met the love of my life. her name is victoria. and i have never felt love the way i do when i see her. i was completely unaware of how good a relationship could be. within the first 24 hours of meeting her i felt like i had known her a lifetime. i was able to be completely myself. she's the most beautiful woman i've ever seen. she's the funniest person i know. she is the most genuine, empathetic, and caring person. she's completely transparent and incredibly communicative. she cares about my feelings and respects me. i've never experienced anything like this. but because of all of that i had a bad couple of days. i have some personal issues. i lack confidence and the ability to feel like i deserve to be loved. so i started thinking that tori didn't REALLY love me that much. but i had enough sense to know that it was my brain being stupid. she knew something wasn't right and sat down and talked to me about it. i laid it all out and she was very caring and understanding. she said some things that really changed my views on stuff and i couldn't be more appreciative of that. i'm actively working on mental health stuff. trying to gas myself up. be positive. i've reached out to a couple of therapists to try and find someone to talk to just so that i can get my crazy thoughts out and not put the burden on tori. i should also mention that tori has a four year old son (graham). she was coming up with a plan for me to meet him in a couple of weeks. but she wants to hold off a little on that. not because she doesn't want me to meet him and get that part of our lives going, but because she wants to make sure that i'm doing well before there's any added stress or adding a big factor like that into my life. but i'm doing the work to get myself more mentally stable. i never thought i would want kids or to get married. but i would do anything to be with tori forever. she's such a good mom and graham seems like the coolest kid. i really want to play a role in his life. she's already made it clear that she never believed in soulmates or anything like that until we met. we're so perfect for each other. i just want to make her happy. because she's always making me happy. she deserves a partner that loves themself. so i'm trying to get there. because i know that the more i love myself, the better partner i can be. it's been less than four months that we've been together, but i can't imagine the rest of my life without her. she actively WANTS to hang out with my family and talk to them and get to know them better. she WANTS to hang out with my friends and do stuff with them. she WANTS me to be independent and spend my own time doing stuff with my friends or whatever i want to do. and she has a lot of friends, too! and i want her to do all of that, too. i like her friends a lot. she has great taste in people. she always invites me to hang out with them. her family is great. i'm still trying to loosen up around them, but that will come with time. i just want them to like me and i don't want to say something stupid. i know they like me though. because they know i make victoria happy. i'm getting emotional just typing all of this because i realize how lucky i am. just thinking about her gives me butterflies. it's not just how beautiful she is or how kind she is or how funny or how loving....it's everything. and it's how genuine she is. she's the love of my life.
i'll update this more regularly.
my brother had a child. i didn't think i would be as excited about it as i was. his name is harrison. he's great. i don't spend much time with him, as he gets attention from everyone else when i'm around. i'm just waiting until he gets a little older. then i'll be there to be a fun uncle. i still get time with him now, but i think it's more important for my parents to get time with him and stuff.
my dad has cancer. stage 4 urothelial cancer. it started in his urinary tract and spread to his spine, lymph nodes, and other bones. he was in pain for a few months that he was chalking up to old age. but the cancer that spread to his spine was growing so much that it cracked a vertebra and was pushing on his spinal cord. he has gotten through radiation, chemotherapy, more radiation, and is currently going through immunotherapy. it's a struggle. the life expectancy is unknown. he is still in good spirits. he can walk around. he just gets tired. i go to my parents every sunday and spend time with him. and i'm constantly in contact with my mom about the latest on his treatments and appointments. it's just fucking hard, man. it's hard to see a parent go through this knowing that there's nothing you can do. we're just constantly waiting to see how he reacts to the treatments. hopefully by the end of the year he is back to some sort of normalcy, but that remains to be seen. just have to stay positive.
i met the love of my life. her name is victoria. and i have never felt love the way i do when i see her. i was completely unaware of how good a relationship could be. within the first 24 hours of meeting her i felt like i had known her a lifetime. i was able to be completely myself. she's the most beautiful woman i've ever seen. she's the funniest person i know. she is the most genuine, empathetic, and caring person. she's completely transparent and incredibly communicative. she cares about my feelings and respects me. i've never experienced anything like this. but because of all of that i had a bad couple of days. i have some personal issues. i lack confidence and the ability to feel like i deserve to be loved. so i started thinking that tori didn't REALLY love me that much. but i had enough sense to know that it was my brain being stupid. she knew something wasn't right and sat down and talked to me about it. i laid it all out and she was very caring and understanding. she said some things that really changed my views on stuff and i couldn't be more appreciative of that. i'm actively working on mental health stuff. trying to gas myself up. be positive. i've reached out to a couple of therapists to try and find someone to talk to just so that i can get my crazy thoughts out and not put the burden on tori. i should also mention that tori has a four year old son (graham). she was coming up with a plan for me to meet him in a couple of weeks. but she wants to hold off a little on that. not because she doesn't want me to meet him and get that part of our lives going, but because she wants to make sure that i'm doing well before there's any added stress or adding a big factor like that into my life. but i'm doing the work to get myself more mentally stable. i never thought i would want kids or to get married. but i would do anything to be with tori forever. she's such a good mom and graham seems like the coolest kid. i really want to play a role in his life. she's already made it clear that she never believed in soulmates or anything like that until we met. we're so perfect for each other. i just want to make her happy. because she's always making me happy. she deserves a partner that loves themself. so i'm trying to get there. because i know that the more i love myself, the better partner i can be. it's been less than four months that we've been together, but i can't imagine the rest of my life without her. she actively WANTS to hang out with my family and talk to them and get to know them better. she WANTS to hang out with my friends and do stuff with them. she WANTS me to be independent and spend my own time doing stuff with my friends or whatever i want to do. and she has a lot of friends, too! and i want her to do all of that, too. i like her friends a lot. she has great taste in people. she always invites me to hang out with them. her family is great. i'm still trying to loosen up around them, but that will come with time. i just want them to like me and i don't want to say something stupid. i know they like me though. because they know i make victoria happy. i'm getting emotional just typing all of this because i realize how lucky i am. just thinking about her gives me butterflies. it's not just how beautiful she is or how kind she is or how funny or how loving....it's everything. and it's how genuine she is. she's the love of my life.
i'll update this more regularly.