(no subject)
i've learned a lot recently. it's funny to look back and see the times that i've truly grown. not just grown up, but really grown....in my ideas, my views, my personal life. it's easy to take things for granted. or to over-emphasize the importance of some things or people or events. but maybe it's not just the occurence of those things that makes us grow. maybe it's what we take away from them. good or bad, everything shapes who we are. not just the milestones, but every small thing along the way.
my life is about to be completely different.
i've always been someone who did what i was supposed to do, what was expected of me. in a lot of ways, this was good. it kept me on a path that resulted in positive things for my future. and while i never really questioned it (...i take that back. i did question it, but that's about as far as it went....) i always wondered what would become of me.
secret: i've never been able to picture my future. ever. not when i was little. not so much now. for someone with so vivid an imagination, i was never able to actually insert myself into ideas of what i might be when i grow up, where i wanted to go to school, etc. i always gave answers (as terrible at lying as i am, i'm amazingly good at telling people what they want to hear), but nothing really felt right. it's something that always scared me a bit.
so i graduated high school, went to college (3 of them...that should have been my first sign.) worked hard, and graduated. and for the first time, there was no clear next step. i knew that, according to the formula, this is the part where i get a job. only, doing what? i'd managed to maintain a facade about an interest in working in my field of study, but knew i wasn't at all excited about it.
i'd always maintained that all i wanted was to be happy. i wanted to enjoy what i did for a living. i didn't need to be rich, but i needed enough to comfortably get by. mostly i just wanted to do something i liked. something i was passionate about. so here i was, so eager to get started and work hard and be successful.....i just had nowhere to aim that ambition. i was terrified and depressed. and i lost my sparkle.
now i have a goal. and it's unconventional. and it'll be hard and trying and i'm doing it on my own. but i'm thrilled. for the first time in my life, i feel like this is right. it's what I want to do. i'm ready.
watch me shine.