(no subject)
i'm not good at the not knowing. not in any aspect in my life. sometimes, the insatiable curiousity that makes me wonder aloud about presents and surprises has an ugly flipside when i know the outcome is bad news.
i'm scared.
my biggest fear...more than anything else...is losing the people who are important to me. there aren't too many that get to live in that special place in my heart, and the thought of losing them terrifies me. i react in the wrong way. i know. i hear bad news and push away and try not to think about it. because thinking about it hurts to much and catches in my throat. i know it seems like i don't care. the truth is that i care so much it scares me a little.
when i was 11, i was the only one home when my aunt called to tell me my grandma had a stroke. i had no way of reaching anyone, and went to school quiet and panicked and alone. i spent the day silently sobbing. later, after my mom came to pick up my brother and i, and we went to go see my grandma in the hospital....i almost couldn't be there. i tried to act normal and hopeful (i guess like how i thought you were supposed to act when visiting a sick loved one?) but although i wanted to see her and it was good to tell her i loved her, everything in me wanted to be anywhere but there. it's like my brain literally doesn't know how to compute dealing with things like that.
like this.
i'm scared.
my biggest fear...more than anything else...is losing the people who are important to me. there aren't too many that get to live in that special place in my heart, and the thought of losing them terrifies me. i react in the wrong way. i know. i hear bad news and push away and try not to think about it. because thinking about it hurts to much and catches in my throat. i know it seems like i don't care. the truth is that i care so much it scares me a little.
when i was 11, i was the only one home when my aunt called to tell me my grandma had a stroke. i had no way of reaching anyone, and went to school quiet and panicked and alone. i spent the day silently sobbing. later, after my mom came to pick up my brother and i, and we went to go see my grandma in the hospital....i almost couldn't be there. i tried to act normal and hopeful (i guess like how i thought you were supposed to act when visiting a sick loved one?) but although i wanted to see her and it was good to tell her i loved her, everything in me wanted to be anywhere but there. it's like my brain literally doesn't know how to compute dealing with things like that.
like this.