And it's okay if you had to go away
Man, this hurts. I didn't knew it would hurt, I didn't knew it could still hurt.
And at the same time, I just KNOW this is all so far behind me, that I'm not that person. And that's not my life. And it brings me some peace to realize that, and to know that SO MUCH has passed since, and I endured so many other things, so many different hardships, that that specific period it's not even so relevant in the oh so big picture.
But it hurts, and I had forgotten that it did. That raw pain and shame and embarassement I felt at that time. The person I know I was. The things I did, the things that mattered to me then.
I often think back to the years I was depressed, to the 2012 showdown, you know, to living at the apartment, college, even the early period working at my mom's office (since I'm here again), and even before at the glass factory. Swamp moods and weird appetite, and sleepless nights.
And I got over that. I understand my mood variations a lot better know. I have coping mechanisms, and stuff that I know I can try, and the importance of keeping the right sleeping schedule, and there's exercise, and attempts to improve my eating habits, and by-passing weird appetite with a day or two of IF.
I got a better handle at my life. I went to college and have a degree. I grew up so much emotionally. I understand myself, and my likes and dislikes, and the person that I am, and being a better friend, and appreciating the friendships I have. I respect myself so much more, because I know my limits and I'm learning to handle them in the best way possible to myself. I have hobbies that I love, and I put time and effort into them. I'm paying my current financial debts, and really making an effort into moving forward and handling myself, and living within my means.
I am moving forward. I just need to have patience, and stay on track. Things are doing great. They really are.
I think that's why I wasn't expecting You and I Both to still have such a effect on me. To remind me so clearly of how I felt then. I felt so many awful things after that, that I kinda forgot that that particular one was still under there. Caught me off guard. Nineteen year-old me was so naïve. I mean, sooo naïve. And took such a hit.
So much happened after that. But I guess we are all made up of layers, anyway. And if you look the right way, you can see that the whole world is a garden.