Can we pretend I'm amazing...?
I feel better today. Not much...but a bit...I talked to Juliet, she always helps me sort things out.
I've been walking around with this huge fake smile on for months...I'm happy at times, but I'm generally not...
Don't get me wrong...I'm in love with Devin....I love him more than anything...
Devin makes me want to live. At times, I'm happy with him, yes...but other times, I can't help but wonder if we're going to end up like my parents...or even like him and Kim. (And I find myself wondering how many of the things he said to me, he said to her too...what he does for me, did they watch the sunset too?) Completely, happily in love...then they can't stand to be in the same room...it scares the hell out of me. Mom and Keith were soooo happy...like we are. And now...Keith is a complete asshole...he left us faster than you could believe, after cheating on her for the longest time. He refuses to pay child support...he shows up to court with fake injuries...and drags her back to court again and again. How am I supposed to trust anyone, after the one man that I thought would never hurt me ran out and never talked to me again? My daddy was a sacred image. He was my best friend, my model for God. How could he have done that to me? Does he realize how afraid I was to fall in love? Does he realize how afraid I am that Devin will run out on me too?
...My heart is breaking...and I haven't even lost him yet...
I've been walking around with this huge fake smile on for months...I'm happy at times, but I'm generally not...
Don't get me wrong...I'm in love with Devin....I love him more than anything...
Devin makes me want to live. At times, I'm happy with him, yes...but other times, I can't help but wonder if we're going to end up like my parents...or even like him and Kim. (And I find myself wondering how many of the things he said to me, he said to her too...what he does for me, did they watch the sunset too?) Completely, happily in love...then they can't stand to be in the same room...it scares the hell out of me. Mom and Keith were soooo happy...like we are. And now...Keith is a complete asshole...he left us faster than you could believe, after cheating on her for the longest time. He refuses to pay child support...he shows up to court with fake injuries...and drags her back to court again and again. How am I supposed to trust anyone, after the one man that I thought would never hurt me ran out and never talked to me again? My daddy was a sacred image. He was my best friend, my model for God. How could he have done that to me? Does he realize how afraid I was to fall in love? Does he realize how afraid I am that Devin will run out on me too?
...My heart is breaking...and I haven't even lost him yet...