(no subject)
Gotta say.
Driver's Ed seems like one of the most boring classes I'll ever take.
Worst part about it is that it interrupts my working schedule.
It's rediculous.
Not to mention that it's just one more thing I have to study.
Like I'm trying to get rid of books, not take them on.
The job's great.
I pretty much love it.
I'm more comfortable working with kids than I am with kids my age.
They won't judge me or hold anything against me.
And at the end of the day, I get hugs.
I don't have to deal with attitudes.
Or dramatics.
I walk kids to the bathroom.
I play with them at their level.
I give hugs and tender, loving care.
And while it can be a little crazy some days, it's rewarding.
I had a dream the other night that I was pregnant.
At sixteen.
I sat there on a table, 9 months pregnant,
Thinking "how did this happen to me?"
I was raped by a nineteen year old who had a wife.
I remember looking down at my hand, thinking
"Wow. this is real. I'm having a baby. I'm bringing a life into the world.
At sixteen."
And I had that feeling like life wasn't a movie and that it was real.
And it felt so utterly real.
I can remember meeting Crystal on the bus to take me to the hospital.
She thought I had a boyfriend
But I said "No, Crystal, i don't have a boyfriend. I was raped."
And she didn't look at me, saying
"No. Don't tell me that! That's not true! You have a boyfriend"
And I said "No, Crystal, I don't have a boyfriend. I was raped."
When I got to the hospital, alone,
That kid's wife was there and tried to name my kid Bretzel.
I said that I wanted Amelia.
And I imagined having a little girl named Bretzel.
I was so scared.
I woke up when I was giving birth.
I started crying, called my mom into the room.
I told her and she said that it was ok.
It was just a dream.
It didn't feel like a dream at all.
I sat on the bed all day with my knees at my chest.
I saw my brother yesterday.
Not for more than like 20 minutes, but still.
He's gonna be moving again into an appartment in West Warwick with my friend's brother.
Mitch is moving back down to Arizona.
Ed's staying up here.
Obviously they can't live together anymore.
So RJ'll be moving in with him in a new appartment.
Anyway he hugged me yesterday.
He hadn't hugged me in a year, since he had left for Arizona.
But he hugged me willingly, no less, yesterday.
I was happy.
He's changed somewhat. I gotta say that.
He's working two jobs. He's tan.
He still steals shit but I'm not too sure that'll change.
:)
For the most part, life's okay.
It's not often I say that.
I'm happy.
I have my friends.
I've got a job.
I've got people helping me out.
I've got drive, ambition and hope for one of the first times in my life.
Purpose? No. I'm still looking for that.
But I've stopped thinking so much.
I'm me for one of the first times.
I'm not trying to prove anything.
I'm not trying to figure things out.
Not trying to explain anything to anyone.
And even though I'm still held down in some ways,
I'm freer than I have been before.
Driver's Ed seems like one of the most boring classes I'll ever take.
Worst part about it is that it interrupts my working schedule.
It's rediculous.
Not to mention that it's just one more thing I have to study.
Like I'm trying to get rid of books, not take them on.
The job's great.
I pretty much love it.
I'm more comfortable working with kids than I am with kids my age.
They won't judge me or hold anything against me.
And at the end of the day, I get hugs.
I don't have to deal with attitudes.
Or dramatics.
I walk kids to the bathroom.
I play with them at their level.
I give hugs and tender, loving care.
And while it can be a little crazy some days, it's rewarding.
I had a dream the other night that I was pregnant.
At sixteen.
I sat there on a table, 9 months pregnant,
Thinking "how did this happen to me?"
I was raped by a nineteen year old who had a wife.
I remember looking down at my hand, thinking
"Wow. this is real. I'm having a baby. I'm bringing a life into the world.
At sixteen."
And I had that feeling like life wasn't a movie and that it was real.
And it felt so utterly real.
I can remember meeting Crystal on the bus to take me to the hospital.
She thought I had a boyfriend
But I said "No, Crystal, i don't have a boyfriend. I was raped."
And she didn't look at me, saying
"No. Don't tell me that! That's not true! You have a boyfriend"
And I said "No, Crystal, I don't have a boyfriend. I was raped."
When I got to the hospital, alone,
That kid's wife was there and tried to name my kid Bretzel.
I said that I wanted Amelia.
And I imagined having a little girl named Bretzel.
I was so scared.
I woke up when I was giving birth.
I started crying, called my mom into the room.
I told her and she said that it was ok.
It was just a dream.
It didn't feel like a dream at all.
I sat on the bed all day with my knees at my chest.
I saw my brother yesterday.
Not for more than like 20 minutes, but still.
He's gonna be moving again into an appartment in West Warwick with my friend's brother.
Mitch is moving back down to Arizona.
Ed's staying up here.
Obviously they can't live together anymore.
So RJ'll be moving in with him in a new appartment.
Anyway he hugged me yesterday.
He hadn't hugged me in a year, since he had left for Arizona.
But he hugged me willingly, no less, yesterday.
I was happy.
He's changed somewhat. I gotta say that.
He's working two jobs. He's tan.
He still steals shit but I'm not too sure that'll change.
:)
For the most part, life's okay.
It's not often I say that.
I'm happy.
I have my friends.
I've got a job.
I've got people helping me out.
I've got drive, ambition and hope for one of the first times in my life.
Purpose? No. I'm still looking for that.
But I've stopped thinking so much.
I'm me for one of the first times.
I'm not trying to prove anything.
I'm not trying to figure things out.
Not trying to explain anything to anyone.
And even though I'm still held down in some ways,
I'm freer than I have been before.