at all costs
Things my mom wants me to do:
Quit violin. Now. As in....next week.
Things I want to do:
Coach again.
Things my mom doesn't want me to do:
Coach again.
Things I don't want to do:
Quit violin.
I went on a froyo/bk outing with an old friend today. Not surprisingly, I ended up telling him my life story so far. (In my defense...I got to learn about how different and troublesome his life has been too.I think we both felt less alone in our endeavors to make life suck less.) But...talking about things is supposed to make things better? Today, after talking about things I thought I was over and done with and I thought I had already vented/ranted about enough...I thought it was all out of my system but it turns out none of it is. I wish there were words to describe it. Saying you miss something isn't enough because I'm not really sure what I miss really existed. And I feel bad for saying any of this because I really don't like being whiny but fuck, this is my lj. I can be whiny and if I want to.
I know it's not good to dwell on the past because what happened happened and I have to just make do with how my life is now but.
Fuck.
I miss the past so much. So so so so much.
And this year, it would be so much easier if this year made any sense whatsoever but it doesn't. At all. Everything I've done so far has just made me more confused and and I'm doing all the things I told myself NOT to do a year ago because back then, I was okay and I had someone something to lean on so I was strong enough to be like "nope. don't ever do that. don't ever become that person"
And I'm kind of that person now. I'm kind of the type of person that I would judge if I was someone else.
I wish I could invent a word to describe how this feels. Because I feel it so often. It's just the way I am. I feel like...in the future, in college and well into my 20's I'm still going to feel like this, just because I will always find my way back to this situation. Being alone and thinking and wondering and regretting. It sucks. I can cope though. I watch movies like Friends With Benefits and Sydney White.
I guess it would be a better distraction to write my UCLA essay rather than watch romcoms and wish my life sorted itself out that easily.
But I'm only in high school. There's a lot of life and a lot of trouble left.
It's just teen angst. Life could be a lot worse.
There are still no words to describe how much I miss it. I remember in front of Burger King with my friend today, and saying how much I missed it. I didn't talk in circles like I do on here because I trust him, while I don't f-lock this shit (why not?...one day), but it still didn't make sense. How could one tiny component of my life, that I could have just hallucinated or misread, have such a great impact on me. It's astounding.
Quit violin. Now. As in....next week.
Things I want to do:
Coach again.
Things my mom doesn't want me to do:
Coach again.
Things I don't want to do:
Quit violin.
I went on a froyo/bk outing with an old friend today. Not surprisingly, I ended up telling him my life story so far. (In my defense...I got to learn about how different and troublesome his life has been too.I think we both felt less alone in our endeavors to make life suck less.) But...talking about things is supposed to make things better? Today, after talking about things I thought I was over and done with and I thought I had already vented/ranted about enough...I thought it was all out of my system but it turns out none of it is. I wish there were words to describe it. Saying you miss something isn't enough because I'm not really sure what I miss really existed. And I feel bad for saying any of this because I really don't like being whiny but fuck, this is my lj. I can be whiny and if I want to.
I know it's not good to dwell on the past because what happened happened and I have to just make do with how my life is now but.
Fuck.
I miss the past so much. So so so so much.
And this year, it would be so much easier if this year made any sense whatsoever but it doesn't. At all. Everything I've done so far has just made me more confused and and I'm doing all the things I told myself NOT to do a year ago because back then, I was okay and I had someone something to lean on so I was strong enough to be like "nope. don't ever do that. don't ever become that person"
And I'm kind of that person now. I'm kind of the type of person that I would judge if I was someone else.
I wish I could invent a word to describe how this feels. Because I feel it so often. It's just the way I am. I feel like...in the future, in college and well into my 20's I'm still going to feel like this, just because I will always find my way back to this situation. Being alone and thinking and wondering and regretting. It sucks. I can cope though. I watch movies like Friends With Benefits and Sydney White.
I guess it would be a better distraction to write my UCLA essay rather than watch romcoms and wish my life sorted itself out that easily.
But I'm only in high school. There's a lot of life and a lot of trouble left.
It's just teen angst. Life could be a lot worse.
There are still no words to describe how much I miss it. I remember in front of Burger King with my friend today, and saying how much I missed it. I didn't talk in circles like I do on here because I trust him, while I don't f-lock this shit (why not?...one day), but it still didn't make sense. How could one tiny component of my life, that I could have just hallucinated or misread, have such a great impact on me. It's astounding.