(no subject)
I basically have two choices.
I can pretend to be okay with it, still, somehow, magically.
OR I can start to shut down, which is starting to sound like a really good idea. I know it works for some people, this escaping and shutting down on the outside. But sometimes I feel too dependent on everyone else to tell me what to do and how to sort this out because I can't do any of this by myself. Ironically...that doesn't help either ayyyyyyyy.
So yeah. Two choices.
I guess there's stuff in the middle, like pretending during x y and z and shutting down around a b and c. But that just makes me even more confused.
I would feel really selfish for telling happy people that I'm not okay. I don't want to ruin the nice world that they've built for themselves where everything is finally falling into place and there's no confusion. And really, what good would it do to tell. It doesn't make me any less confused and it doesn't really change anything. It just makes things worse. But why do I still sometimes...constantly wish I could just say I'm not okay.
And I've already been approached about being overdramatic about being not okay. She thinks I'm actually okay but I just overdo it because I'm me and I'm pretending everything sucks when it really doesn't. I don't care if it really doesn't. I feel what I feel and okay doesn't feel like this. Maybe I have a different definition of okay.
Things that went well today:
-the weather was really nice on the walk home today. And it was nice walking home with someone who knew absolutely nothing about drama and troubles and was completely just unbiased and we could talk about trivial things and make fun of applications it was nice.
-my hair
This summer, I thought up of a worst case scenario for senior year. I was pretty prepared for it. And it happened and I reacted how I expected to react but I kind of came to terms with it...and then worse case scenario somehow became not worst-case because things just...somehow went up and then straight down from there. And universe. That really sucks.