(no subject)
holy crap.
it's been how long since i've updated?..how long since i've even signed on to livejournal.
thanks to myspace this fad has died a little for me.....i mean, who has time to write in a journal anyways? certainly not someone who is looking for their own house, who works over 40 hours a week, who shares a bed with a hard working man, who is talking about children!...
in all honesty though...i miss this. i miss being able to write absolutely whatever i want and not worry about what anyone else thinks. the whole world is too busy to sit down and read through an online journal, some random person's ramblings. the truth is, if you can keep it to yourself, i claimed to have gone through so much change in the past few years...when really, i haven't changed one bit.
i'm still scared out of my mind most of the time...no...all of the time. i just don't have all the people to share it with the way i did before.
i'm scared of the change that has occurred in my life. because that change has made the actual REALITY of life so much more harsh than i ever remember.
i got married. i went on my honeymoon. i gave my virginity to my husband.
my dad got cancer. he had surgery. stopped breathing.
my life the way i knew it changed the moment the doctor walked into that waiting room.
from that day, i looked at my parents in a new light.
my mom and dad, the people who supported me through all the stupid decisions i made and continue to make...the people who gave me unconditional love-the only way they knew how...the people that taught me so many life lessons......my mom and dad are too frail to live in the world that we have surrounded ourselves in.
what happened to infinite? remember feeling as if the world stopped and all that mattered was that we were alive and in it and doing what we wanted to do at the very moment. what happened to grabbing on by the tips of our fingers and hanging on, screaming bloody murder, excited as school girls just to BREATHE. i've had moments of change...moments of clarity....but i haven't had a moment in which the air has caught in my throat...not in years. maybe i'm just too busy. too busy feeding everyone the same lies i've been fed myself. "we'll catch up!" "let's talk soon!"....the truth in that is, no one is really ready to talk. no one wants to know how you've been. everyone is too busy flipping through their calendars, making appointments, planning families, spending time with their important things. no one really cares..not the way we all used to, right? what i really want is to talk. i want to talk about the fact that this world is ending and i want to know if anyone has any ideas to save it. i want to talk about the intimate things. i want to talk about how people hold themselves..how we don't hold each other anymore...why don't we do that? i want to make you uncomfortable. i want to talk about the people we've left behind, the people we loved and left for something better that we saw in the future. i want to talk about your plans and how you've failed yourself and why you hide. i want to talk about why you hide. i want you to blush. i want to talk about how i've failed almost everyone in my life. i want to share with you how i think about you all of the time, wishing things the way they were before. i want to talk about how if THIS is what it is to be a grown up? too busy to care. too busy making plans for our own GRAND LIVES....then who needs this. i want to talk about how you left her. i want to talk about how you cheated on him. i want to talk about how you think the world owes you everything. i want to talk about how you feel like the victim. i want to talk about how you made her a victim. i want to talk to him about how he supported your decision. and then left you to deal with the aftermath. i want to talk about, even a country away, i wonder if you're still alive. i want to talk about him getting hit by a truck and dying on the road. i want to talk about missing you. i want to know why you think i let you down. fuck you. i want you to want to hit me as hard as you can because then at last i can have something that i've lacked for ages....a connection. truth.
but i know the truth.
i know that we will be too busy to do or say any of this. who wants to feel these things or remember these things when there is hardly time enough in a day to get what is REALLY important done. maybe we'll get in touch and chat....catch up.
i know the truth.
so here's my catch up.
it's been how long since i've updated?..how long since i've even signed on to livejournal.
thanks to myspace this fad has died a little for me.....i mean, who has time to write in a journal anyways? certainly not someone who is looking for their own house, who works over 40 hours a week, who shares a bed with a hard working man, who is talking about children!...
in all honesty though...i miss this. i miss being able to write absolutely whatever i want and not worry about what anyone else thinks. the whole world is too busy to sit down and read through an online journal, some random person's ramblings. the truth is, if you can keep it to yourself, i claimed to have gone through so much change in the past few years...when really, i haven't changed one bit.
i'm still scared out of my mind most of the time...no...all of the time. i just don't have all the people to share it with the way i did before.
i'm scared of the change that has occurred in my life. because that change has made the actual REALITY of life so much more harsh than i ever remember.
i got married. i went on my honeymoon. i gave my virginity to my husband.
my dad got cancer. he had surgery. stopped breathing.
my life the way i knew it changed the moment the doctor walked into that waiting room.
from that day, i looked at my parents in a new light.
my mom and dad, the people who supported me through all the stupid decisions i made and continue to make...the people who gave me unconditional love-the only way they knew how...the people that taught me so many life lessons......my mom and dad are too frail to live in the world that we have surrounded ourselves in.
what happened to infinite? remember feeling as if the world stopped and all that mattered was that we were alive and in it and doing what we wanted to do at the very moment. what happened to grabbing on by the tips of our fingers and hanging on, screaming bloody murder, excited as school girls just to BREATHE. i've had moments of change...moments of clarity....but i haven't had a moment in which the air has caught in my throat...not in years. maybe i'm just too busy. too busy feeding everyone the same lies i've been fed myself. "we'll catch up!" "let's talk soon!"....the truth in that is, no one is really ready to talk. no one wants to know how you've been. everyone is too busy flipping through their calendars, making appointments, planning families, spending time with their important things. no one really cares..not the way we all used to, right? what i really want is to talk. i want to talk about the fact that this world is ending and i want to know if anyone has any ideas to save it. i want to talk about the intimate things. i want to talk about how people hold themselves..how we don't hold each other anymore...why don't we do that? i want to make you uncomfortable. i want to talk about the people we've left behind, the people we loved and left for something better that we saw in the future. i want to talk about your plans and how you've failed yourself and why you hide. i want to talk about why you hide. i want you to blush. i want to talk about how i've failed almost everyone in my life. i want to share with you how i think about you all of the time, wishing things the way they were before. i want to talk about how if THIS is what it is to be a grown up? too busy to care. too busy making plans for our own GRAND LIVES....then who needs this. i want to talk about how you left her. i want to talk about how you cheated on him. i want to talk about how you think the world owes you everything. i want to talk about how you feel like the victim. i want to talk about how you made her a victim. i want to talk to him about how he supported your decision. and then left you to deal with the aftermath. i want to talk about, even a country away, i wonder if you're still alive. i want to talk about him getting hit by a truck and dying on the road. i want to talk about missing you. i want to know why you think i let you down. fuck you. i want you to want to hit me as hard as you can because then at last i can have something that i've lacked for ages....a connection. truth.
but i know the truth.
i know that we will be too busy to do or say any of this. who wants to feel these things or remember these things when there is hardly time enough in a day to get what is REALLY important done. maybe we'll get in touch and chat....catch up.
i know the truth.
so here's my catch up.