LJ Idol Season 11: Open Topic
The humans joke like I can't hear or understand them. "Hobbes, your life is so easy. You don't know how good you have it." They laugh uproariously like they think they are so funny, scratch my head or my ears, and walk away to do something else. I cover my head with my hand, amazed at their lack of understanding. They can't even begin to comprehend how hard my life is.
I live with one other like me and two humans. The other one like me, they refer to as Calvin sometimes but mostly she goes by Callie. She's okay. I like her for the most part except when she plays on my fear on climbing places and climbs high, taunting me. She wasn't there though the time I fell off the desk chair and the female human worried that I had traumatic brain injury and both humans took me to get checked out. Of course I was fine, stupid human, but the fear of climbing has stayed with me since. That's the only thing she's not scared of. Otherwise, she's afraid of her shadow most days. I tell her that there's nothing to be scared of, that we are in charge not them. She nods and I remind her to be ferocious as we were taught by our parents, to scratch and hiss when threatened. She says she remembers those lessons but as soon as another human that she doesn't know comes in, she runs for her life screaming, "Stranger Danger!" She's a disgrace to our species, I tell her as I saunter out of the room greeting my minions. I want the humans to know I own this place even though inside, I feel the fear.
Every morning, I have to make sure the humans are still alive. They pass out for what seems like forever and many a morning, this obnoxious buzzer goes off and they don't even hear it! How do they not hear it? So I do my check-ins, nevermind my hunger pains. Some days, I tap them on the shoulder and nothing. Callie does the face sniff to see if they're breathing. Other days, I scream so loudly only for one of them to roll over and go, "Hobbes, stop!" and they close their eyes again. That's when I start running across their bodies and jumping on them until one of them, usually the male one, will get out of bed. Do you think they are grateful for my checking in on them? Not at all. There's always grumbling as Callie and I lead them to the kitchen. And if that's not enough, before I can even eat my breakfast in peace, I'm forced to take this awful medicine. I really need to call the doctor and put a stop to this. Have the humans ever stop to think, "maybe I like my stomach bald?" Never mind my 10 different allergies to the world outside. Oh yeah, did I mention I'm allergic to: pollen, dust mites, and most things outside? Sure, it makes me itch and that's why I have no hair on my stomach. But that shouldn't stop the humans from leaving the window open, yet it does for some strange reason.They don't care that I need fresh air and to hear the bird chirp as I plot my bird annihilation plan. They just worry about my bald stomach and how it affects me. Worry about other things, like maybe going out of the house once in awhile and having a life!
I used to love the days where the humans left Callie and I alone for the day. They'd go out and we'd conference about how to run the place, improvements needed, practice our cries, make plans on catching birds, and then we'd nap in peace wherever we want. However, lately, the humans lately haven't been going out; probably fired from their jobs, those useless fools. They stay at home all day and seem to pretend to be working but they talk to each other and talk to other humans on the computer while doing other things. What do they know about actual work? The female human seems to get annoyed everytime I go into "her" work chair to sleep. She says, "Hobbes, you have every other chair to sleep in. Why mine?" I look at her with one eye open. Doesn't she understand that everything is mine? I wish they would leave us alone and stop referring us as their new coworkers. If Callie and I are their new coworkers then we need a raise! I find a different chair though to sleep in. The joy of being me is that I can sleep anywhere and everywhere.
You would think though with them being home more, I'd be fed more, right? When I was little, they used to let me eat whenever. Free feeding, they called it. Whatever it was called, those were glorious days. But then the doctor told them I was too fat and they put an end to that. If only I could go back in time to tell that doctor what I really thought of him, he would rue the day! Alas, they feed me on a schedule! The disgrace! They eat whenever they want and rub it in that they're eating while I have to beg for scraps. Sometimes they are kind enough to drop us a piece of cheese or cold cuts; Callie and I have memorized the sound of the bag opening and those are special times. Other times, there's treats which I do love. There's one that tastes like lobster with macaroni with cheese, mmmm! However, they have Callie jumping for treats! Jumping! They praise her for catching it in midair like that's something special. Crazy fool, I shake my head in disgust. I wish she would learn that they should be honored just to feed us but she loves to perform. I would never deign to even think of doing tricks for my food like a lowly dog creature. I do have my own special treat. In the morning, if I'm lucky, the female human will let me finish her bowl of cereal. I do love milk with a little bit of Rice Krispies. But she gets mad if I help myself to her bowl while she's eating! I have to wait until she's done and hope she passes the bowl to me because she doesn't do this everyday. How selfish is she?! I just want to help her finish her food! And do you think they even appreciate me reminding them of the dinner and midnight feeding schedule? I even am kind enough to start early for them so that they don't forget! I tap them politely, I sing for them, and I will even cry. But do they care? "Hobbes, it's not feeding time yet!" Geez, who died and made you the ruler of when feeding time is? I decide these things, not you! But as I have no opposable thumbs as they remind me, I have to depend on them to open the can and am at the mercy of "feeding time." I shudder to think of the inhumanity of it all.
I guess, if Callie makes me be honest, maybe it's not all pain and suffering and hard work. But don't tell my humans that! They do make sure that there are cat-nip treats at every turn, boxes to investigate, feathers to attack on the floor, scratching posts, Callie to chase around for exercise, and the humans are a sucker for cuddles and purrs. Callie has learned if she lays on her back with her chin to her neck, the humans will stop what they're doing to pet her stomach. If I lay just right, they scratch my chin and ears and if they try to stop, I pull their hand back and they keep going. They even give us hugs and kisses which I will never admit to liking. As Callie also reminds me when I'm waiting for sustenance, it's better than some of our species who hunt for their food outside. I have to agree. I'm not heartless, I feel for my fellow species who are outside while I'm not. My allergies alone would kill me before anything else would! And the best part is there are places to nap everywhere, on the floor, in a bed, on a chair, or on top of a human. Speaking of which, I see a sun beam calling my name for a nap.... but don't think my list of grievances is over with!
Hobbes waiting for cereal Callie showing off her belly
Hobbes napping in a chair! Callie napping after a hard day!
Note: This is for LJ Idol's Sudden Death Write Off. If you like this story, please vote for me and please check out the other 6 stories as well and give their stories love!
I live with one other like me and two humans. The other one like me, they refer to as Calvin sometimes but mostly she goes by Callie. She's okay. I like her for the most part except when she plays on my fear on climbing places and climbs high, taunting me. She wasn't there though the time I fell off the desk chair and the female human worried that I had traumatic brain injury and both humans took me to get checked out. Of course I was fine, stupid human, but the fear of climbing has stayed with me since. That's the only thing she's not scared of. Otherwise, she's afraid of her shadow most days. I tell her that there's nothing to be scared of, that we are in charge not them. She nods and I remind her to be ferocious as we were taught by our parents, to scratch and hiss when threatened. She says she remembers those lessons but as soon as another human that she doesn't know comes in, she runs for her life screaming, "Stranger Danger!" She's a disgrace to our species, I tell her as I saunter out of the room greeting my minions. I want the humans to know I own this place even though inside, I feel the fear.
Every morning, I have to make sure the humans are still alive. They pass out for what seems like forever and many a morning, this obnoxious buzzer goes off and they don't even hear it! How do they not hear it? So I do my check-ins, nevermind my hunger pains. Some days, I tap them on the shoulder and nothing. Callie does the face sniff to see if they're breathing. Other days, I scream so loudly only for one of them to roll over and go, "Hobbes, stop!" and they close their eyes again. That's when I start running across their bodies and jumping on them until one of them, usually the male one, will get out of bed. Do you think they are grateful for my checking in on them? Not at all. There's always grumbling as Callie and I lead them to the kitchen. And if that's not enough, before I can even eat my breakfast in peace, I'm forced to take this awful medicine. I really need to call the doctor and put a stop to this. Have the humans ever stop to think, "maybe I like my stomach bald?" Never mind my 10 different allergies to the world outside. Oh yeah, did I mention I'm allergic to: pollen, dust mites, and most things outside? Sure, it makes me itch and that's why I have no hair on my stomach. But that shouldn't stop the humans from leaving the window open, yet it does for some strange reason.They don't care that I need fresh air and to hear the bird chirp as I plot my bird annihilation plan. They just worry about my bald stomach and how it affects me. Worry about other things, like maybe going out of the house once in awhile and having a life!
I used to love the days where the humans left Callie and I alone for the day. They'd go out and we'd conference about how to run the place, improvements needed, practice our cries, make plans on catching birds, and then we'd nap in peace wherever we want. However, lately, the humans lately haven't been going out; probably fired from their jobs, those useless fools. They stay at home all day and seem to pretend to be working but they talk to each other and talk to other humans on the computer while doing other things. What do they know about actual work? The female human seems to get annoyed everytime I go into "her" work chair to sleep. She says, "Hobbes, you have every other chair to sleep in. Why mine?" I look at her with one eye open. Doesn't she understand that everything is mine? I wish they would leave us alone and stop referring us as their new coworkers. If Callie and I are their new coworkers then we need a raise! I find a different chair though to sleep in. The joy of being me is that I can sleep anywhere and everywhere.
You would think though with them being home more, I'd be fed more, right? When I was little, they used to let me eat whenever. Free feeding, they called it. Whatever it was called, those were glorious days. But then the doctor told them I was too fat and they put an end to that. If only I could go back in time to tell that doctor what I really thought of him, he would rue the day! Alas, they feed me on a schedule! The disgrace! They eat whenever they want and rub it in that they're eating while I have to beg for scraps. Sometimes they are kind enough to drop us a piece of cheese or cold cuts; Callie and I have memorized the sound of the bag opening and those are special times. Other times, there's treats which I do love. There's one that tastes like lobster with macaroni with cheese, mmmm! However, they have Callie jumping for treats! Jumping! They praise her for catching it in midair like that's something special. Crazy fool, I shake my head in disgust. I wish she would learn that they should be honored just to feed us but she loves to perform. I would never deign to even think of doing tricks for my food like a lowly dog creature. I do have my own special treat. In the morning, if I'm lucky, the female human will let me finish her bowl of cereal. I do love milk with a little bit of Rice Krispies. But she gets mad if I help myself to her bowl while she's eating! I have to wait until she's done and hope she passes the bowl to me because she doesn't do this everyday. How selfish is she?! I just want to help her finish her food! And do you think they even appreciate me reminding them of the dinner and midnight feeding schedule? I even am kind enough to start early for them so that they don't forget! I tap them politely, I sing for them, and I will even cry. But do they care? "Hobbes, it's not feeding time yet!" Geez, who died and made you the ruler of when feeding time is? I decide these things, not you! But as I have no opposable thumbs as they remind me, I have to depend on them to open the can and am at the mercy of "feeding time." I shudder to think of the inhumanity of it all.
I guess, if Callie makes me be honest, maybe it's not all pain and suffering and hard work. But don't tell my humans that! They do make sure that there are cat-nip treats at every turn, boxes to investigate, feathers to attack on the floor, scratching posts, Callie to chase around for exercise, and the humans are a sucker for cuddles and purrs. Callie has learned if she lays on her back with her chin to her neck, the humans will stop what they're doing to pet her stomach. If I lay just right, they scratch my chin and ears and if they try to stop, I pull their hand back and they keep going. They even give us hugs and kisses which I will never admit to liking. As Callie also reminds me when I'm waiting for sustenance, it's better than some of our species who hunt for their food outside. I have to agree. I'm not heartless, I feel for my fellow species who are outside while I'm not. My allergies alone would kill me before anything else would! And the best part is there are places to nap everywhere, on the floor, in a bed, on a chair, or on top of a human. Speaking of which, I see a sun beam calling my name for a nap.... but don't think my list of grievances is over with!
Hobbes waiting for cereal Callie showing off her belly
Hobbes napping in a chair! Callie napping after a hard day!
Note: This is for LJ Idol's Sudden Death Write Off. If you like this story, please vote for me and please check out the other 6 stories as well and give their stories love!