LJ Idol Season 11 Week 2: Living Rent Free In Your Head
"How long have you been living like this?" The therapist asked gently, pausing in her writing.
Diana slouched in the pink, fuzzy chair staring at her nails. If she answered the questions honestly and voiced what she never said before, does that make her thoughts true? Diana bit her nail, chipping the nail polish. She wondered if biting her nails had to do with her anxiety and her thoughts, she pondered absently. Could she maybe distract the therapist by talking about her nail problem?
"Diana? I can't read your mind and I can't help you if you're not being honest with me. You deserve not to live like this," The therapist interrupted her thoughts.
"I don't know," she felt the usual shame and disgust at herself for having such thoughts. She didn't need the therapist to tell her that she was an awful person.
"Can you think back to the first time something like this happened?"
Diana stared down at her nails. She was exhausted from trying to present a perfect front, a happy Diana who didn't seem to have a worry or care in the world. That's why she was here. She needed coping strategies, she needed self-care. She needed some kind of reassurance she was not crazy but what if she was? She needed ... something. "The first time I remember having awful thoughts was when I was maybe 7 or 8."
"What happened?"
"My mom used to make me watch Lifetime movies with her. The ones about kids being kidnapped or raped or G-d knows what. Her thought was that if I watched these movies, I would know what to do in case someone approached me."
"That seems like a scare tactic more than really educating you. How did it make you feel?"
Diana shuddered, flashing back to her childhood. "I used to have nightmares about people popping out of nowhere trying to kidnap me. But that I guess is more normal than what I used to do to cope with my thoughts."
"What do you mean?" The therapist resumed writing.
"It got to a point where the thought was constantly playing nonstop in my head like a broken record and I needed a way to solve the problem. I used to walk home from school petrified that someone was going to kidnap me or rape me so that every time a car would drive by, I'd hide behind a tree until the car passed hoping that the car wouldn't see me. I knew it wasn't logical but I couldn't stop. Does that make me crazy?"
The therapist paused in her writing. "No, it seems like you had an intrusive thought and you found a compulsion to help you cope. How long did this go on?"
"I don't know. Maybe a couple of months? Maybe all of third grade? I just remember that there was one point that I was walking home one day and there was a car driving slowly, and someone trying to get my attention. I screamed, ran, and hid behind a tree."
"That sounds scary."
"It would have been...if it wasn't my dad in the passenger seat of his friend's car trying to call out to me. It took awhile to calm me down after that. I think that might of been the point when my mom found out that one of the neighbors had a babysitter for their children and I started walking home with them. After that, I also refused to watch Lifetime moves which pissed off my mom to no end," Diana smirked.
"Did your thoughts stop?"
"After awhile those did. But new thoughts came."
"Like what?"
Diana took a breath and let it out. The pervasive shame stayed with her as it always did when she struggled with her thoughts. "There was the year I obsessed if I was gay or straight because a friend of mine said to me that he woke up one morning and realized he was gay. Because if he could wake up one morning and realize he was gay, what was stopping me? There was years on end after watching a documentary on murderers and pedophiles that I obsessed if I could be one too. I was afraid at times to be around people especially kids and questionned my every movement. And then even though I love my husband, I've gone through periods where I question if I really love him or not or if I'm attracted to him or not or not. If there's an awful thought, I've probably obsessed over it. If I can think such thoughts, am I insane? If I can think such thoughts, does that mean I'm capable of doing them? I mean I think I'm a good person but ...?" She touched her face, feeling it flushed and wet from tears that she didn't even realized she was crying.
"That's a lot to struggle with," the therapist remarked, finishing up the notes.
"I know. You're probably thinking you need to write me a referral for a psychiatric ward and lock me up. I get it. I'm insane." Diana felt defeated and exhausted.
"Not at all. Diana, have you ever heard of OCD?"
"Yeah, the handwashing disease," Diana scoffed, studying her chipped nail polish. She really should have focused on the nail conversation.
"The media plays it up as a handwashing disaease and people say that they have OCD when they clean their house. But it's not just about cleanliness or handwashing."
"No?" Diana looked up.
"No. I think what you're describing is a lesser known from of OCD - Pure OCD. It's where people have obsessive, intrusive, repetitive thoughts or mental images. Sometimes they have visible compulsions that go along with it but usually the compulsions are less visible and more mental like reassurance seeking, avoidance, ruminating."
"You mean I'm not insane?"
"Not at all. Many people are just like you who struggle with pure OCD. There is help. We can make a plan and together, we can figure out healthy coping strategies for you to use. Diana, you're a good person and you're not alone." The therapist reached out and squeezed her hand. "You don't have to do this alone."
Diana sat back, staring at her nails again. While the sense of shame lingered, for the first time in forever, she didn't feel so alone. For the first time ever, hope battled with the shame.
Note: This is for LJ Idol Season 11: Living Rent Free In Your Head. As someone who struggles with Pure OCD, this topic spoke to me on many levels. It took me a long time to get diagnosed because I simply thought I was crazy. If you want to know more about Pure OCD, here's some more information: https://www.intrusivethoughts.org/blog/pure-o-an-exploration-into-a-lesser-known-form-of-ocd/