perfection
note: this post may be lengthy and should not be read by those who are in a rush. i cannot promise enthralling content either.
the week of may 7 through may 15 should be noted as one of the best weeks of my entire life. while not everything was exciting or even pleasurable all the events were notable and contributed to the master plan of the week. it started all after the first ib exams. after coming out of the math methods exam rather confidently i sorjourned to one of my favorite places on earth. stuart beach. the large pipe dredging all of the sand had finally been removed and the beach was as perfect as it had ever been. the ocean was green blue instead of the dark blue which it usually is. there was no debris whatsoever on the sand including the sharp shells which usually stab at the soles of my foot as a tread over them. it was just fine warm sand. for a moment i was the only one there and nothing could bring my spirits down. the waves were breaking perfectly. they seemed to have rhythm instead of the choppiness so common at stuart. they were smooth and brilliant. im not sure who i spent the day with since i went just about every consequent day. my favorite day by far was the day spent with whitey mike smith mike armbruster mike meier. the day was actually very windy and overcast. it felt as though i were in a torn and antique photograph of an oncoming storm. never the less we enjoyed our time. we skimboarded fervently into the waves. our energy was boundless. i shared a sense of comradery i had not felt in so long. i felt as though i were not amongst friends but among brothers who all shared the same overwhelming feeling. we gave up our bodies to the torrent of the waters. we immersed ourselves and trusted that nature would protect us. we were all one for a few short moments. the following days were spent the same after each ib exam i came out confident and went to the beach. ive felt that over the past year my multiple skins have been shedding and in many ways. i find myself discovering more and more who i am but not exactly who i want to become. ive made great friends that i will see next year and some who i will not. the feeling that high school is over has not yet left me. i will never see some of you again. its an altogether depressing feeling but it brings on maturity. everyone of you has decorated my life in some way. some of you are just ornaments. needed to create the fluff of society and life. however others are shining lights adding life to everything. coming on and off throughout the days. some in patterns some in random each to his own. its these lights that i hope so see and feel the warmth of forever. i love the fire. its warmth brings me solace. at times very sharp and poignant and at other times inviting. it adds color and life yet has a soothing feeling to it. i have grown to love red love. i am more confident in my intellect than ever. i still dont know what i want as my career but now i am certain that i will be fine. on thursday i went to the underoath show with ketan and tyler. they are good people and great friends. underoath played with the chariot these arms are snakes fear before the march of flames. while not all of the bands were actually excellent bands the night turned out excellent. i saw other friends at the show. i should get to know them better but we are mere acquaintences. ornaments. we were very close to the stage and i sang my life out. everyone expresses their emotions through music. we can all come together through melody and rhythm and its just amazing what one can experience. we met some girls and what might be one of the funniest moments of my life i pretty much got raped by some dude. i didnt say anything to him but he was standing awkwardly close to me. it wasnt that i didnt mind it was just that i was enjoying the music so much that i couldnt let anything bring me down at that moment. the drive home was exceptional and from almost getting mugged to losing our voices none of us will ever forget that night. because for us it signaled the ending of one period and the beginning of the rest of our lives. friday night i played poker. i may be addicted. but sometimes there are prices to pay in life. and i find friendship and comradery to be more important than the payout in the long run. through gambling i came to know a whole different group of people each had something to give. that night went down as one of the funniest nights of my life. from "skin face" smithwick to lucky cards to jabbering. i will never forget these nights we have all spent together. PROM. this brings back some memories. its a time where everything for me seems to somehow go wrong. i made some mistakes last year and this year. while i regret some of my decisions i believe that i could not have made them any other way. i regret this year more than last year however. last year i was immature. i did not know what i was getting myself into and i did not heed the advice of my best friends. ive moved on and ive learned from that experience. however i feel that it caused me to internalize my feelings more than ever. i need to get over that. im better than this. it was nothing that time is over and forgotten. that is only a silhouette. if it crosses my path now it does not exist. its not that i cant deal with it its just that i choose not to meddle in things that are of lesser value or are centered around deception and manipulation. this year i am afraid of what i have done. i have ruined many opportunities and done so to horrible extents. im not sure what came over me. i just couldnt bring myself to do it. to any of them. sure i could have asked but i didnt and sure i regret it but i hope to keep in touch for sure. great people. finally it came time to the night. i dont enjoy dancing in public much. perhaps its the reason why i didnt enjoy it much. i just dont think i can let all of me go in public. it wouldnt be me. it was a cool night none the less. i ate dinner with some of my closest friends and then went to the dance where i had a somewhat lonely and private experience. afterwards i headed over to jackies house where i spent the remainder of the night instead of going to 'pimps and hos' where i knew i would be more empty and left disenchanted and hating myself more. the people i spent my time with were definitely a colorful crowd. i consider each and every one of them a friend. some were even close. those who i had spent many fun times with before and some who i will always remember. i jammed out to led zepellin and bright eyes and even attempted to write a song. it was pretty bad but a funny experience. i played poker again. the game was great but it took away from my resting time and a few others' as well. thank you for giving me the cd player once again. ive always been very reserved about my life in general and especially my love life or those who im interested in. those of you who read this know that to some extent. i just cant bring myself to say anything. ive done this before. i never have courage when the time comes. im afraid of rejection but who isnt. i think im more afraid that she wont care either way. thats the worst. as time passes you recognize that other people are like you and you cant help but make a connection with them. maybe i should just say it i mean. its almost all over everything. i may never even see her again. but then thats the thing. there would be no difference anyway. it wont make a difference. we may cross paths later on and we could catch up on all the times. but as of right now. it means nothing. there can be nothing. its just not meant to be. i may regret it but its something that has to happen. there may not be a correct fashion but there is a correct line we must all follow. i may just say it. when i do. it will be my final step into maturity. it will make me complete for the next chapter.
and so ends this long post. congratulations for those of you who stood by the whole way and for those who didnt. maybe next time.
p.s. 'zangres arm is broken!'
the week of may 7 through may 15 should be noted as one of the best weeks of my entire life. while not everything was exciting or even pleasurable all the events were notable and contributed to the master plan of the week. it started all after the first ib exams. after coming out of the math methods exam rather confidently i sorjourned to one of my favorite places on earth. stuart beach. the large pipe dredging all of the sand had finally been removed and the beach was as perfect as it had ever been. the ocean was green blue instead of the dark blue which it usually is. there was no debris whatsoever on the sand including the sharp shells which usually stab at the soles of my foot as a tread over them. it was just fine warm sand. for a moment i was the only one there and nothing could bring my spirits down. the waves were breaking perfectly. they seemed to have rhythm instead of the choppiness so common at stuart. they were smooth and brilliant. im not sure who i spent the day with since i went just about every consequent day. my favorite day by far was the day spent with whitey mike smith mike armbruster mike meier. the day was actually very windy and overcast. it felt as though i were in a torn and antique photograph of an oncoming storm. never the less we enjoyed our time. we skimboarded fervently into the waves. our energy was boundless. i shared a sense of comradery i had not felt in so long. i felt as though i were not amongst friends but among brothers who all shared the same overwhelming feeling. we gave up our bodies to the torrent of the waters. we immersed ourselves and trusted that nature would protect us. we were all one for a few short moments. the following days were spent the same after each ib exam i came out confident and went to the beach. ive felt that over the past year my multiple skins have been shedding and in many ways. i find myself discovering more and more who i am but not exactly who i want to become. ive made great friends that i will see next year and some who i will not. the feeling that high school is over has not yet left me. i will never see some of you again. its an altogether depressing feeling but it brings on maturity. everyone of you has decorated my life in some way. some of you are just ornaments. needed to create the fluff of society and life. however others are shining lights adding life to everything. coming on and off throughout the days. some in patterns some in random each to his own. its these lights that i hope so see and feel the warmth of forever. i love the fire. its warmth brings me solace. at times very sharp and poignant and at other times inviting. it adds color and life yet has a soothing feeling to it. i have grown to love red love. i am more confident in my intellect than ever. i still dont know what i want as my career but now i am certain that i will be fine. on thursday i went to the underoath show with ketan and tyler. they are good people and great friends. underoath played with the chariot these arms are snakes fear before the march of flames. while not all of the bands were actually excellent bands the night turned out excellent. i saw other friends at the show. i should get to know them better but we are mere acquaintences. ornaments. we were very close to the stage and i sang my life out. everyone expresses their emotions through music. we can all come together through melody and rhythm and its just amazing what one can experience. we met some girls and what might be one of the funniest moments of my life i pretty much got raped by some dude. i didnt say anything to him but he was standing awkwardly close to me. it wasnt that i didnt mind it was just that i was enjoying the music so much that i couldnt let anything bring me down at that moment. the drive home was exceptional and from almost getting mugged to losing our voices none of us will ever forget that night. because for us it signaled the ending of one period and the beginning of the rest of our lives. friday night i played poker. i may be addicted. but sometimes there are prices to pay in life. and i find friendship and comradery to be more important than the payout in the long run. through gambling i came to know a whole different group of people each had something to give. that night went down as one of the funniest nights of my life. from "skin face" smithwick to lucky cards to jabbering. i will never forget these nights we have all spent together. PROM. this brings back some memories. its a time where everything for me seems to somehow go wrong. i made some mistakes last year and this year. while i regret some of my decisions i believe that i could not have made them any other way. i regret this year more than last year however. last year i was immature. i did not know what i was getting myself into and i did not heed the advice of my best friends. ive moved on and ive learned from that experience. however i feel that it caused me to internalize my feelings more than ever. i need to get over that. im better than this. it was nothing that time is over and forgotten. that is only a silhouette. if it crosses my path now it does not exist. its not that i cant deal with it its just that i choose not to meddle in things that are of lesser value or are centered around deception and manipulation. this year i am afraid of what i have done. i have ruined many opportunities and done so to horrible extents. im not sure what came over me. i just couldnt bring myself to do it. to any of them. sure i could have asked but i didnt and sure i regret it but i hope to keep in touch for sure. great people. finally it came time to the night. i dont enjoy dancing in public much. perhaps its the reason why i didnt enjoy it much. i just dont think i can let all of me go in public. it wouldnt be me. it was a cool night none the less. i ate dinner with some of my closest friends and then went to the dance where i had a somewhat lonely and private experience. afterwards i headed over to jackies house where i spent the remainder of the night instead of going to 'pimps and hos' where i knew i would be more empty and left disenchanted and hating myself more. the people i spent my time with were definitely a colorful crowd. i consider each and every one of them a friend. some were even close. those who i had spent many fun times with before and some who i will always remember. i jammed out to led zepellin and bright eyes and even attempted to write a song. it was pretty bad but a funny experience. i played poker again. the game was great but it took away from my resting time and a few others' as well. thank you for giving me the cd player once again. ive always been very reserved about my life in general and especially my love life or those who im interested in. those of you who read this know that to some extent. i just cant bring myself to say anything. ive done this before. i never have courage when the time comes. im afraid of rejection but who isnt. i think im more afraid that she wont care either way. thats the worst. as time passes you recognize that other people are like you and you cant help but make a connection with them. maybe i should just say it i mean. its almost all over everything. i may never even see her again. but then thats the thing. there would be no difference anyway. it wont make a difference. we may cross paths later on and we could catch up on all the times. but as of right now. it means nothing. there can be nothing. its just not meant to be. i may regret it but its something that has to happen. there may not be a correct fashion but there is a correct line we must all follow. i may just say it. when i do. it will be my final step into maturity. it will make me complete for the next chapter.
and so ends this long post. congratulations for those of you who stood by the whole way and for those who didnt. maybe next time.
p.s. 'zangres arm is broken!'