an inquiry
so i have neglected updating for a while not due to a lack of thought but mostly to unavoidable circumstance and perhaps divine intervention perhaps it doesnt go that far up that the powers that be must meddle with my livejournal but something has simply been preventing me from any update. as i recall the past year and all of the diurnal i come to the conclusion that in this chapter of my life i have had no real life changing moment. i have come to revelations and i have had meaningful epiphanies and i have matured as a person as a soul. i have lived day to day this year with no real excitement nothing has stimulated every nerve of my body and i have felt no real adoration for anything. maybe its to early maybe i missed my chance. each day offers new hope and beauty and i falter when the opportunity is mine. i fail to sieze what could be mine to hold and cherish. i have trouble expressing myself. i feel numb in these days. i need something to pull me out. everything is different and everything keeps changing faster than i want it to. i want to arrive at that quixotic moment and be suspended there for eternity so as to not let it escape my pertinent grasp. i wish that something great might happen. where will i go now. life as it is is over and i have nothing to expect. what can i expect. to study become rich and live comfortably and await death. i say fuck that. i dont know why i think of these things. its really quite annoying but i do. nothing is worse than monotony. perfection is what we strive for but nature is perfect and we only ruin it. but perhaps there is still hope for that perfect moment in time to be captured and suspended forever. and perhaps there is more. but why ponder anything when nothing really matters. but something has to matter. it cant all be pointless.