(no subject)
sometimes like right now i feel really lonely. i dont know why but the feeling just overcomes me sometimes. i think about past years and what it was like and how its relatively better now but i second guess myself alot. back then it was small and everyone knew everyone. there was security in that. sure i saw them alot less after school but at least you could talk to every single one in the class and know that an intelligible and cordial conversation would ensue. its different now. theres no real security i can never tell what someone is thinking but i can read them well enough to know that i have nothing to say sometimes i find myself to be a bore eventhough i know at least i think that im not. at least i hope that i am somewhat entertaining. i have lost touch with most of my very good old friends eventhough i see some of them daily. i dont really have anyone to share my true sentiments with anymore. i thought i did maybe i still do but like i said i second guess myself alot to talk myself out of thinking that i do have friends. its all a blur to me and i try not to think about it but i do. as i sit i find bliss in nothingness. why do i hate. why do i think so much. this is what brings on the loneliness. i wanted to play piano or guitar or anything. my parents were bothered. i have no one to pass the time with. if only i could get up the courage to call old friends or people i havent talked to in a while. im really ashamed of my shyness and reserve at times. i dont know why im complaining i hate to complain especially if people have to hear it or in this case read it. i internalize alot of things but this helps its an outlet. i guess once again i dont know what im getting at. but that anonymous poster that posted once was right i guess i do need a friend. i thought i had one but its one of those that i lost contact with in a way. i hope to reunify it soon i hope i hope. until then i guess i am alone.