Ryan Christopher Fowler
Summer turned to autumn and autumn turned to winter. The change of seasons is what really brought me down. It acted as the food chain, with me changing from predator to prey the whole way down. During summer I was the predator taking in everything I could get my hands on, including Ryan's love. Autmn was when I became the prey. I began to develop jealousy over the tiniest things. I became more and more protective over Ryan until the point I realized I was being ridiculous to think he was going to continue to love me and only me.
Winter made me the animal being decomposed. It was the most unbearable time of my life and I never want to go back to that. It hurts just to write about it when it should be making me feel better to get my feelings out. As the weather grew colder and I got farther and farther away from Ryan, I began to get this deep pain in my gut. I knew he was changing. He wasn't the same person anymore. When we first met he was a fun loving kid and now he was becoming an arrogant asshole. I was so in love with what I had found that summer to point where I couldn't let go of him even if it cost my life.
I brought shame onto myself that winter and I hope I never put myself through that again. I acted foolishly. On top of that, I thought he still loved me and he was pushing me away because he didn't want to hurt me. Soon I learned that I was wrong. By January he had met yet another new girl, but this one was different. She was already into some drugs and now he had started up with it. When I met him, he had been straight edge and proud. What had happened to that? It was like he threw it all away just to renew himself. They started dating in February and naturally this hurt me.
By the time March had rolled around I was pretty much used to them being together. My semi-formal was around the middle of the month. I wasn't in the mood to go because I just wanted to be alone and remember how Ryan used to be. I ended up going to the dance with Kelsey. We got these really cool dresses from a vintage shop in Worcester. From the car ride there to the car ride home, I thought about Ryan. I missed him so much and I wanted to see him. In the beginning of the month, I had taken one of my friends with me to a concert at the Palladium in Worcester because Ryan and Brandyn were going to be there. We saw each other for about five minutes before we had to leave. I kissed Ryan goodbye. Little did I know that he was on drugs that night and that would be my last kiss I would give to him.
Seeing Ryan that night didn't make things any easier. I was so excited to get home from the dance in hopes of talking to him online. I didn't talk to him all night. The next day, he IMed me and said I meant a lot to him and he was telling those people that meant a lot about something that happened to him the night before. He told me that he had lost his virginity to his girlfriend that night. The whole time I spent thinking about him, he was having sex with another girl. We had promised ourselves to each other and he had thrown it all away on teenage hormones. I have never experienced anything so heart-wrenching than that night.
At first I was in shock and couldn't feel any emotions. I could barely carry myself to take a shower. Everything was so unbearable that I just broke down in the shower. I sat down and cried for an hour. It's even killing me right now thinking about how bad it hurt. The worst part was when he told me how long they would do it for and how many times they did it. It hurt bad enough just knowing that he gave himself to her, but then he had to tell me details. That was just throwing it in my face that he had lost it and didn't care if I knew or if I was about to die.
April, May, and June seemed to go by somewhat fast. I had went to the beach in the beginning of June with my sister and her friend. I didn't see Ryan or Brandyn that day. I went again in the middle of June with Kels and Lea and once again, I didn't see them. I began to feel a little relieved that I wasn't bumping into them because I thought I was over Ryan and I didn't want to deal with him again. Kels, Lea, and I stayed on Hampton Beach in the same inn as we had the summer before for my birthday. The first day there, we saw Brandyn walking around. That night while we were sitting on a curb on the boardwalk, I saw Ryan walking down the street holding his skateboard. I wanted to run, but I couldn't move.
He saw us sitting there and came over. Every emotion ran through my veins like a bomb was going off. We all ended up spending the night together and we met some of Ryan's friends. We saw him again the next night and once again spent it with him and his friends. After a bit Kels, Lea, Ryan, and I went over to sit in the sand by the water. Ryan asked me to dance and I said "Right here, right now?" and he said yes. I had always wanted to slow dance old-fashion on a beach underneath the stars. He made that happen. As we danced he apologized for the way he had treated me and I told him how much of a jerk he had been.
Before I knew it the night was over. I had given Ryan my ring the year before when he gave me his hanky. He told me he had smashed it, but when I was about to leave he said he would bring me his ring the next day and I would have to give him a kiss. The whole time we were there I refused to kiss him so I figured if he actually had kept my ring I could atleast give him a kiss. Once again, we thought we would be staying the next day, but we left early that morning of my birthday without a proper goodbye. That was the only time I saw Ryan that year. During autumn I burned his hanky at the fire pit in my backyard because he really had smashed my ring. I was going to try to erase him from my mind. Like usual, I failed.
I caved in to missing him and we began to talk again. As of now we are okay. Lately he has been telling me that he misses me so much and that he loves me. He also said I would be his fantasy to have sex with because I'm Sarah. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to react to that. My natural instinct was just to ignore him. I learned to do that over time. He has treated me worse than anyone has and I don't want to just give in to him. Giving in to him has only brought me increasingly worse pain. As of now, I don't know how to feel.