Brandon
I'm just sitting here being bored.. And decided to update... Well not alot has been going on lately.. I've just been chillin.. relaxing.. and working lol. I was working alot more but our hours got cut, which sucks. I work tomorrow nite for 3 hours.. how gay is that? What is even the point of workin for 3 hours! haha.. I dunno...
Well I really don't know whats going on with me and Brandon.. There is alot to it, and alot of people don't understand.. I mean alot of people probably think i am just SO stupid for even CONSIDERING going back with him.. I dunno. I mean I have to forgive him, and I still love him no matter what.. Lilke the day after i finally deleted his number.. Guess what.. haha.. He texted me.. And i figured ya know.. he isn't going to say anything about me and him in this conversation. At first I didn't even text back.. but after a while, I gave in.. It was hard. So after that we started talkin, and I mean I wasn't just gonna let him think i would be his "life long friend" like he wanted. Sure i would deal with him at work.. and say hey if i saw him or he texted me.. But that day we began talking.. And he started acting so upset and depressed, so being the nice person i am.. I continued to try and figure out what was wrong. He talked about how he was not happy and he didn't know what to do. I tried not to be too nice. I even told him that i didn't know what to tell him. I told him that if he wasn't happy with himself that he needed to change, and if he wanted someone to be there for him and make him feel better, that i wasn't excatly the person to come to.. cause if i told him excatly how i felt it would do nothing but make him feel worse... but he kept on talkin to me.. I was then percesent to figure out what was wrong. He told me that he had made some wrong decisions and now he was realizing what a big mistake he had made and blah blah blah.. we ended up talkin all day.. just as friends, you know.. me telling him how to change for the better. Ok.. so i'm thinkin being friends is ok cause i'm hurting either way. Then later on that nite.. he was still upset. I totally did not understand why. He was talkin about killing himself and all that.. and i could not deal with it.. So i totally went off. I told him that it was stupid for him to say stuff like that.. and that he needed to grow up and face his problems and quit running from them. Some where in there some how we got on the subject of me and him. He said i was the most amazing person he had ever met and he began apologizing. At that point.. I honestly didn't know what to do. It's hard when faced with something like that and i just didn't know what to do. He kept apologizing and all i could tell him was that I didn't know what to say.. that of course i cared for him.. but i just could not possibly trust him for a long time. So we talked all that night and I told him that he would have to change, and rebuild his trust.. I love him.. and I don't see how i could possibly be happy without him in my life.. but that just wasn't what i could tell him. I mean.. we've been talkin ever since.. and I dunno.. I feel like he is sincere. I mean all the things i've said.. and yet he still tries.. he says that he can't imagine his life without me in it.. he don't want to.. He says that he could never possibly be happy without me.. He says that he was such an idiot for ever messin up and that he wishes he could take it all back. He says that he cares for me and he will never find anyone else like me. He don't want to loose me.. I just care for him.. is that so bad of me? I mean brandon is a great person.. He tells me that i deserve the best.. perfect.. top notch.. and that he don't even deserve me.. So.. now he has our whole life planned, which makes me happy.. very happy. He says that he seriously wants to marry me when i graduate. It's weird having someone wanting to marry me.. ya know? It's like this time he is the one chasing me.. not the other way around. With Brandon i feel true happiness...
Last night i was laying in my bed. I mean.. I'm still scared about everything.. with me and brandon. I don't want to loose him. I really don't.. I sent him this message "I feel like when you look at me you see this perfect picture.. and I just don't see it. I'm so scared that one day you will look closer and realize that it's not me... and I don't want to let you down" and he was like how would you let me down.. and i said "well you say i'm such an amazing person and i'm not and i'm scared one day you will realize that, and who i really am will let you down".. I dunno.. I just feel like Brandon sees someone else in me.. someone that i'm not and maybe one day he will see that i'm not such a great person.. like he says i am. But i guess thats just a risk i have to take ya know.. I don't trust him still.. not completely.. He still has to prove himself to me.. but if he is willing to do that.. then stupid or not.. i guess i'm willing to let him try..
But i'm about to go to bed.. so i guess i'm gonna update later.. leave me a comment if you feel like it.. tell me what you think..
Well I really don't know whats going on with me and Brandon.. There is alot to it, and alot of people don't understand.. I mean alot of people probably think i am just SO stupid for even CONSIDERING going back with him.. I dunno. I mean I have to forgive him, and I still love him no matter what.. Lilke the day after i finally deleted his number.. Guess what.. haha.. He texted me.. And i figured ya know.. he isn't going to say anything about me and him in this conversation. At first I didn't even text back.. but after a while, I gave in.. It was hard. So after that we started talkin, and I mean I wasn't just gonna let him think i would be his "life long friend" like he wanted. Sure i would deal with him at work.. and say hey if i saw him or he texted me.. But that day we began talking.. And he started acting so upset and depressed, so being the nice person i am.. I continued to try and figure out what was wrong. He talked about how he was not happy and he didn't know what to do. I tried not to be too nice. I even told him that i didn't know what to tell him. I told him that if he wasn't happy with himself that he needed to change, and if he wanted someone to be there for him and make him feel better, that i wasn't excatly the person to come to.. cause if i told him excatly how i felt it would do nothing but make him feel worse... but he kept on talkin to me.. I was then percesent to figure out what was wrong. He told me that he had made some wrong decisions and now he was realizing what a big mistake he had made and blah blah blah.. we ended up talkin all day.. just as friends, you know.. me telling him how to change for the better. Ok.. so i'm thinkin being friends is ok cause i'm hurting either way. Then later on that nite.. he was still upset. I totally did not understand why. He was talkin about killing himself and all that.. and i could not deal with it.. So i totally went off. I told him that it was stupid for him to say stuff like that.. and that he needed to grow up and face his problems and quit running from them. Some where in there some how we got on the subject of me and him. He said i was the most amazing person he had ever met and he began apologizing. At that point.. I honestly didn't know what to do. It's hard when faced with something like that and i just didn't know what to do. He kept apologizing and all i could tell him was that I didn't know what to say.. that of course i cared for him.. but i just could not possibly trust him for a long time. So we talked all that night and I told him that he would have to change, and rebuild his trust.. I love him.. and I don't see how i could possibly be happy without him in my life.. but that just wasn't what i could tell him. I mean.. we've been talkin ever since.. and I dunno.. I feel like he is sincere. I mean all the things i've said.. and yet he still tries.. he says that he can't imagine his life without me in it.. he don't want to.. He says that he could never possibly be happy without me.. He says that he was such an idiot for ever messin up and that he wishes he could take it all back. He says that he cares for me and he will never find anyone else like me. He don't want to loose me.. I just care for him.. is that so bad of me? I mean brandon is a great person.. He tells me that i deserve the best.. perfect.. top notch.. and that he don't even deserve me.. So.. now he has our whole life planned, which makes me happy.. very happy. He says that he seriously wants to marry me when i graduate. It's weird having someone wanting to marry me.. ya know? It's like this time he is the one chasing me.. not the other way around. With Brandon i feel true happiness...
Last night i was laying in my bed. I mean.. I'm still scared about everything.. with me and brandon. I don't want to loose him. I really don't.. I sent him this message "I feel like when you look at me you see this perfect picture.. and I just don't see it. I'm so scared that one day you will look closer and realize that it's not me... and I don't want to let you down" and he was like how would you let me down.. and i said "well you say i'm such an amazing person and i'm not and i'm scared one day you will realize that, and who i really am will let you down".. I dunno.. I just feel like Brandon sees someone else in me.. someone that i'm not and maybe one day he will see that i'm not such a great person.. like he says i am. But i guess thats just a risk i have to take ya know.. I don't trust him still.. not completely.. He still has to prove himself to me.. but if he is willing to do that.. then stupid or not.. i guess i'm willing to let him try..
But i'm about to go to bed.. so i guess i'm gonna update later.. leave me a comment if you feel like it.. tell me what you think..