I trip the boob fantastic
First off, a big welcome to all my new friends from the fandomsecrets Friending Meme. Hopefully this post won’t scare you off and send you running for the remove friend button.
Because right now, I’m going to talk about something I love.
Breasts.
I mean, boobies, tits, ta-tas, sweater puppies, jugs, hooters, breasticles, knockers, funbags, dirty pillows. Whatever you want to call them, I love them. I love my own, I love other women’s. If I could be a FBI (Federal Boob Inspector) I would be and I’ve got the shirt that says just that!
I pretty much think all breasts are fabulous. From little AAs all the way up to the Hs. Let’s face it, most of us think boobs are awesome.
But you know what isn’t awesome? Bras.
Oh yeah, I know those of you rocking the C-cups are going wha? And those of you with the Bs and As are confused as well. Those of ladies that are graced with the Ds and higher, you know what I’m talking about.
Because see, I’m shopping for a new bra. And I’m having a hell of a time finding one for my bodacious ta-tas. And it’s not just finding ones that fit. I go into one store and the C-cups there have to be mislabeled because I’m getting the kind of too-big-for-you bra pucker that is very visible under clothes. And another store, their D-cup makes my lovely ladies spill out over the top. Another place, their double Ds look more like triple Ds and yet another place, their DDD fits me just right. Then I’ve got a DD from another store that pushes my tits up so high, I could serve drinks off my breast-bar. It’s just as bad as women’s sizing. And for all you men out there that don’t have a girlfriend or wife (and/or don’t want one), a size 8 (or 10 or 12 or 14, etc) is never the same size from one store to another. That is another topic entirely though.
The issue too is that the bras made for what they call “fuller-figure” (which seems to be anything D and above these days) look like remnants from WWII. They are constructed like you are carrying two U-Boats under your shirt. The fabric takes on the quality and stiffness that could protect shuttles in space and upon re-entry. They come in a wide assortment of colors ranging from light beige to dark beige with the occasional white or black thrown in for variety. Lace, padding, and even a decent underwire that doesn’t bunch and pinch are like curse words in the realm of the bigger breasts. These ARE your grandma’s underwear.
It’s not like you can walk into your local Target, stroll over to the Gillian and O’Malley section, and get yourself some cute bubblegum pink lace demi-bra. No. You have to troll through the aisles, towards the back where they keep the Spanx and the Lycra “body-shapers” (which is code for “girdle”). None of those fancy brands back here in the land of the lost, I mean, the “fuller figure” aisle (and I HATE that term, for the record). You’ve got the Playtex and the Just Her Size. And let me tell you, none of those bras is Just MY Size. And you are never going to see any of those tan monstrosities going for the cheap $10 or less. You’ve got to pay for all that extra elastic and hooks and whatever else they rig to keep your luscious ladies from falling down around your knees.
The color selection, the construction, and the price are just the whipped cream and ice cream of this shit sundae because the cherry on top is the straps. Those thin satiny straps easily hidden by tank tops are no where to be found here. All the straps look like you put two maxi pads on your shoulders and tucked in the wings. They are as thick as a linebacker’s and probably offer just about the same support if you get sacked on the play. I know that if I ever got caught during that time of the month, I can use the padding in my bra straps to keep Aunt Flo out of my white pants.
Now I did notice that Victoria’s Secret has started carrying DDD. Online. I remember reading, way back when I was just a budding young girl dreaming of being in a Russ Meyer film, that Victoria’s Secret didn’t even make bras big enough to fit their models. This was back when they thought a C-cup was “stripper-big”. That doesn’t surprise me. And clearly, Vicky’s is thinking that tooth floss can support and hold the ample bosoms of the world if this bra is any example. (Light MESH for support my ass). They aren’t designing cute bras for big breasted ladies. They are taking the bra designs they already have in A, B, and C and just upping the cup. Clearly, these bras were not designed by women. Or if they were, not women who anything larger than a B cup or had any family and friends pushing further into the alphabet. Hello, I also don’t want anything called a “Minimizer” bra. I’m proud of what the good universe gave me and damnit, I want to MAXIMIZE them by showing them off in a damn pretty piece of lace, wire, and hot sex.
Not to mention the fact that if you see above you need to TRY ON A BRA BEFORE YOU BUY IT since we don’t get a universal standard. There is a ton of specialty bra shops online that make beautiful bras for busty babes but that is the problem. If I pay $40-$60 for a bra, I want to make sure it fits FIRST. Most of the return policies at these stores is crazy and that also means that I have to wait on a return, wait for a new bra, and continue this cycle if the new bra doesn’t fit. Nobody should have to go through that hassle.
Is it really too much to ask the world to make a functional bra that will give my girls the support they need while making me feel sexy at the same time? Is it such a strange thing for bra makers to realize that the ladies with the bigger breasts want to feel just as sexy as our smaller cupped counterparts? With all the women getting breast implants out there, you think there would be a huge market for affordable, beautiful “fuller-figure” bras. I don’t feel sexy when I’m wearing something the color of a Starbucks latte, that feels like a suit of armor, so stiff that not even a hurricane is going to blow it down. If it can stand up on its own, without a lady in it, that isn’t the bra for me or for anyone.
So implore you, buyers of bras for Target, K-Mart, Wal-Mart, and the other evil corporations out there. Do us girls a favor. Buy something lacy, something pink, something feminine but that still has support. And if you can’t find some to buy, then tell the companies no! Tell them you will no longer buy their Iron Maiden Maidenforms! That you will no longer support their march to middle age by bras that cover and conceal. Tell them you want sexy stuff for sexy ladies!
This sexy lady will thank you for it.
Because right now, I’m going to talk about something I love.
Breasts.
I mean, boobies, tits, ta-tas, sweater puppies, jugs, hooters, breasticles, knockers, funbags, dirty pillows. Whatever you want to call them, I love them. I love my own, I love other women’s. If I could be a FBI (Federal Boob Inspector) I would be and I’ve got the shirt that says just that!
I pretty much think all breasts are fabulous. From little AAs all the way up to the Hs. Let’s face it, most of us think boobs are awesome.
But you know what isn’t awesome? Bras.
Oh yeah, I know those of you rocking the C-cups are going wha? And those of you with the Bs and As are confused as well. Those of ladies that are graced with the Ds and higher, you know what I’m talking about.
Because see, I’m shopping for a new bra. And I’m having a hell of a time finding one for my bodacious ta-tas. And it’s not just finding ones that fit. I go into one store and the C-cups there have to be mislabeled because I’m getting the kind of too-big-for-you bra pucker that is very visible under clothes. And another store, their D-cup makes my lovely ladies spill out over the top. Another place, their double Ds look more like triple Ds and yet another place, their DDD fits me just right. Then I’ve got a DD from another store that pushes my tits up so high, I could serve drinks off my breast-bar. It’s just as bad as women’s sizing. And for all you men out there that don’t have a girlfriend or wife (and/or don’t want one), a size 8 (or 10 or 12 or 14, etc) is never the same size from one store to another. That is another topic entirely though.
The issue too is that the bras made for what they call “fuller-figure” (which seems to be anything D and above these days) look like remnants from WWII. They are constructed like you are carrying two U-Boats under your shirt. The fabric takes on the quality and stiffness that could protect shuttles in space and upon re-entry. They come in a wide assortment of colors ranging from light beige to dark beige with the occasional white or black thrown in for variety. Lace, padding, and even a decent underwire that doesn’t bunch and pinch are like curse words in the realm of the bigger breasts. These ARE your grandma’s underwear.
It’s not like you can walk into your local Target, stroll over to the Gillian and O’Malley section, and get yourself some cute bubblegum pink lace demi-bra. No. You have to troll through the aisles, towards the back where they keep the Spanx and the Lycra “body-shapers” (which is code for “girdle”). None of those fancy brands back here in the land of the lost, I mean, the “fuller figure” aisle (and I HATE that term, for the record). You’ve got the Playtex and the Just Her Size. And let me tell you, none of those bras is Just MY Size. And you are never going to see any of those tan monstrosities going for the cheap $10 or less. You’ve got to pay for all that extra elastic and hooks and whatever else they rig to keep your luscious ladies from falling down around your knees.
The color selection, the construction, and the price are just the whipped cream and ice cream of this shit sundae because the cherry on top is the straps. Those thin satiny straps easily hidden by tank tops are no where to be found here. All the straps look like you put two maxi pads on your shoulders and tucked in the wings. They are as thick as a linebacker’s and probably offer just about the same support if you get sacked on the play. I know that if I ever got caught during that time of the month, I can use the padding in my bra straps to keep Aunt Flo out of my white pants.
Now I did notice that Victoria’s Secret has started carrying DDD. Online. I remember reading, way back when I was just a budding young girl dreaming of being in a Russ Meyer film, that Victoria’s Secret didn’t even make bras big enough to fit their models. This was back when they thought a C-cup was “stripper-big”. That doesn’t surprise me. And clearly, Vicky’s is thinking that tooth floss can support and hold the ample bosoms of the world if this bra is any example. (Light MESH for support my ass). They aren’t designing cute bras for big breasted ladies. They are taking the bra designs they already have in A, B, and C and just upping the cup. Clearly, these bras were not designed by women. Or if they were, not women who anything larger than a B cup or had any family and friends pushing further into the alphabet. Hello, I also don’t want anything called a “Minimizer” bra. I’m proud of what the good universe gave me and damnit, I want to MAXIMIZE them by showing them off in a damn pretty piece of lace, wire, and hot sex.
Not to mention the fact that if you see above you need to TRY ON A BRA BEFORE YOU BUY IT since we don’t get a universal standard. There is a ton of specialty bra shops online that make beautiful bras for busty babes but that is the problem. If I pay $40-$60 for a bra, I want to make sure it fits FIRST. Most of the return policies at these stores is crazy and that also means that I have to wait on a return, wait for a new bra, and continue this cycle if the new bra doesn’t fit. Nobody should have to go through that hassle.
Is it really too much to ask the world to make a functional bra that will give my girls the support they need while making me feel sexy at the same time? Is it such a strange thing for bra makers to realize that the ladies with the bigger breasts want to feel just as sexy as our smaller cupped counterparts? With all the women getting breast implants out there, you think there would be a huge market for affordable, beautiful “fuller-figure” bras. I don’t feel sexy when I’m wearing something the color of a Starbucks latte, that feels like a suit of armor, so stiff that not even a hurricane is going to blow it down. If it can stand up on its own, without a lady in it, that isn’t the bra for me or for anyone.
So implore you, buyers of bras for Target, K-Mart, Wal-Mart, and the other evil corporations out there. Do us girls a favor. Buy something lacy, something pink, something feminine but that still has support. And if you can’t find some to buy, then tell the companies no! Tell them you will no longer buy their Iron Maiden Maidenforms! That you will no longer support their march to middle age by bras that cover and conceal. Tell them you want sexy stuff for sexy ladies!
This sexy lady will thank you for it.