Mask on, acting a smile, curtains up.
My last entry was on June 2007.
I never thought so much could
happen in three years. but oh boy
was I wrong.
I mostly wrote about Marty and I
and how I couldn't leave him
even though I still had feelings
for Brandon. That was a big mistake.
Staying with me only left me with
a broken heart. I can't say I
didn't try to make things work.
I was the Only one trying.
He's a good kid. don't get me wrong.
but we just dated at the wrong
time in our lives.
I'm graduated from Empire. I loved
it at first cause I thought "hey!
here's something I'm good at."
But it's not something I love.
and that's where I am now. finding
what I love to do. it's harder than
I thought. The worst thing about
that is I feel like I failed.
My family, my friends. I know I'm
smart. I can do great things.
But there's just something in the
way. I have absolutely no drive
anymore to do anything. and I feel
worthless because of it.
Although I know I'm going to school
again, I just feel like now isn't
a good time. I have some
emotional problems i have to take
care of. I don't want it to get
in the way of school work.
After Marty and I broke up. I met
Vincent. A lot of you don't know
this but, he really did save me.
I was torn and he was there to
put me back together. and I feel
I helped him grow up. The sad
thing is, I think that's all
we were meant to do with each other.
I love him because, not only did
he help me when I needed savior,
but he's so bright, full of life,
and he reminds me of myself back
in the old days. And now, I feel
like we don't need each other anymore.
I thought that would hurt me to say
more than it did. I'm happy I met
him. and I'll always love him for
what he did, but we're going our
separate ways. Who knows, maybe we'll
meet up again in the future. I think
a big part of our relationship that's
missing is that, we were never "friends"
We didn't watch each other "grow."
It's probably a really good idea to
stay just friends. and he agrees.
We haven't broken up yet, but I can
feel it. and it upsets me, off course
it does, but at the same time, I feel
it's right. We want different things.
and I'll always respect him.
Friends.
Where do I start with this.
I will never forget the great times I had.
We were the rebels. as gay as that sounds.
We didn't give a damn about anyone but us.
Fighting for them was my life. literally.
I fought anyone who would try to mess with them.
They were my friends, my brothers, but most
of all. they were my family.
Waking up to them calling me at 4am to go eat
and drink. Then chill and ride BMX style till
the sun came up. It became our lives. We
WERE each others lives.
"We're gonna be friends forever."
"No, we're gonna be family forever..."
Then it happened. Everything changed. and that's
when my life took a turn for the worst. When I
lost them, I lost myself. I put everything I had
to make this family stay together, but that ended
up killing us. It was me, I made the mistake.
and I'll go through life with that always in
the back of my mind. I had a intimate relationship
with one of them that ended badly. I feel that
sometimes i should have stayed with him. We would
still be a family, but then I would be unhappy.
So I stepped up, and I killed it...
Looking back in my life. I really believe
I could have done better with everything.
but i guess that's part of growing up. You
look back on your mistakes, and try not
to make them again.
I'm trying my best to find myself. So for now
I'll keep my mask on, and fake this smile.
I never thought so much could
happen in three years. but oh boy
was I wrong.
I mostly wrote about Marty and I
and how I couldn't leave him
even though I still had feelings
for Brandon. That was a big mistake.
Staying with me only left me with
a broken heart. I can't say I
didn't try to make things work.
I was the Only one trying.
He's a good kid. don't get me wrong.
but we just dated at the wrong
time in our lives.
I'm graduated from Empire. I loved
it at first cause I thought "hey!
here's something I'm good at."
But it's not something I love.
and that's where I am now. finding
what I love to do. it's harder than
I thought. The worst thing about
that is I feel like I failed.
My family, my friends. I know I'm
smart. I can do great things.
But there's just something in the
way. I have absolutely no drive
anymore to do anything. and I feel
worthless because of it.
Although I know I'm going to school
again, I just feel like now isn't
a good time. I have some
emotional problems i have to take
care of. I don't want it to get
in the way of school work.
After Marty and I broke up. I met
Vincent. A lot of you don't know
this but, he really did save me.
I was torn and he was there to
put me back together. and I feel
I helped him grow up. The sad
thing is, I think that's all
we were meant to do with each other.
I love him because, not only did
he help me when I needed savior,
but he's so bright, full of life,
and he reminds me of myself back
in the old days. And now, I feel
like we don't need each other anymore.
I thought that would hurt me to say
more than it did. I'm happy I met
him. and I'll always love him for
what he did, but we're going our
separate ways. Who knows, maybe we'll
meet up again in the future. I think
a big part of our relationship that's
missing is that, we were never "friends"
We didn't watch each other "grow."
It's probably a really good idea to
stay just friends. and he agrees.
We haven't broken up yet, but I can
feel it. and it upsets me, off course
it does, but at the same time, I feel
it's right. We want different things.
and I'll always respect him.
Friends.
Where do I start with this.
I will never forget the great times I had.
We were the rebels. as gay as that sounds.
We didn't give a damn about anyone but us.
Fighting for them was my life. literally.
I fought anyone who would try to mess with them.
They were my friends, my brothers, but most
of all. they were my family.
Waking up to them calling me at 4am to go eat
and drink. Then chill and ride BMX style till
the sun came up. It became our lives. We
WERE each others lives.
"We're gonna be friends forever."
"No, we're gonna be family forever..."
Then it happened. Everything changed. and that's
when my life took a turn for the worst. When I
lost them, I lost myself. I put everything I had
to make this family stay together, but that ended
up killing us. It was me, I made the mistake.
and I'll go through life with that always in
the back of my mind. I had a intimate relationship
with one of them that ended badly. I feel that
sometimes i should have stayed with him. We would
still be a family, but then I would be unhappy.
So I stepped up, and I killed it...
Looking back in my life. I really believe
I could have done better with everything.
but i guess that's part of growing up. You
look back on your mistakes, and try not
to make them again.
I'm trying my best to find myself. So for now
I'll keep my mask on, and fake this smile.