KangTeuk: Freefall
“Why couldn't you have stayed calm for once, instead of almost going berserk?! I hope you're happy now!” Your voice was filled with emotions, so many emotions that it made your voice crack and the tears fall from your eyes. You looked angry though most of all you looked disappointed.
It wasn’t what I thought you would say. Just like you were disappointed in me, your words in turn disappointed me. Perhaps I had finally crossed the line, enough was enough even for you. There were no more kind and comforting words, no more shoulder to cry on. A shoulder I needed so desperately. Though I wanted your arms to sooth me I knew I couldn’t want it, I wasn’t worthy of wanting it, not anymore.
Freefall all the way down. Letting go and watching how it would end. Afraid, nervous, anxious though curious, I couldn’t help but grip the iron pole beside me. I felt the strong wind pushing my body, as if it was helping me during my hesitation. It wanted to sweep me away, but I knew I would be too heavy and that I wouldn’t be able to float on the gusts of air. Not that I ever wanted to. I had been floating carefree far too long.
I thought we were a team, one for all and all for one, right? Apparently not.
As we moved onward I became aware of the gaps. The growing gaps that made it harder to reach out and harder to hold on, but perhaps the harder I held on the more it drove you away. It had me crying in the end. Yes, I admit it, though I would never tell any of them, or you. Tears had occasionally rolled down my cheeks, they hit my arms, my hands, my sheets as I cried in the dark at night when everyone was asleep.
In the darkness of the night I could embrace my weaknesses so I could wake up strong though only on the outside. I’m crumbling down and the fact that none of you knows pleases me. When I go down, I don’t want others to be dragged down with me as in turn I don’t want to be dragged down with others. Though we care for each other and protect one another, we live in a cruel world where in the end it’s every man for himself.
You know this, I know you do. Yet why were you here, sitting beside me as I stared down the 80 feet building? How did you even get here? No one should know where I was, especially not you.
“Success is falling nine times and getting up ten” your words puzzled me and startled me. The silence was suddenly broken and you gripped my wrist painfully tight.
You knew what I wanted.
“If you fall, how will you get up?” your whisper stirred something inside me, something I thought I had lost or never even known. It felt familiar although I didn’t know what it was.
The grip tightened even more and I groaned in pain yet it couldn’t compare to the pain that was reflecting in your eyes when we both tore our eyes off the tiny vehicles below and finally looked at each other. Your eyes were red, glassy and I could almost see my reflection; I probably looked hideous. I couldn’t look at you any longer and turned my head.
By now you wouldn’t allow me to move so I sat perfectly still as you held on to my wrist, tugging it back. Removing me from the edge didn’t change a thing, you knew that.
“Let go, I’m a failure.”
“Failure is not falling down but refusing to get up, searching up higher places doesn’t mean you have yet to fall, Kangin” the tone in your voice changed. It had been desperate and angry before and now it was stern and sad. Don’t be sad, I never meant to sadden you.
You continued to tug at my arm and your strength surprised me. I guessed the fear of losing me was making you this strong, at least I hoped that was the reason. You’re here with me yet I still felt so far left behind. You shouldn’t be here, you should be with the others.
A wave of anger took over and I pulled out of your grasp. Like a burst of energy my heart accelerated and then I was calm once more once I freed myself. Your touch had always driven me crazy, it made me wild and almost frenzied when you touched me like that.
Your touch burns my skin, it makes me whine and tremble and when your warmth engulfs me it’s like unleashing my savage side. I scratch, I bite, I squeeze and bruise you, there isn’t such thing as soft and gentle. My hands are rough and you know I am capable of doing all this, yet you embrace me every single time. I hurt you, yet you embrace me. Every single time.
Because of this it didn’t surprise me that you were suddenly behind me. Your arms circled around my chest and you pressed your body flat against mine. Your embraces were never the same and this one was unique as well, I could feel your head move against the nape of my neck and your breath on my skin made me tense.
“Do you want to break up?”
“.. No.”
“Do you want me to leave you alone?”
“Ngh.. no.”
“Then why do you want to leave me?”
I once more realized how close we stood to the edge. The gusts of wind were no longer able to make me lose my balance, because you held on to me. I couldn’t move, couldn’t walk forward and couldn’t fall. You wouldn’t let me and that made me smile.
You held on to my hand, refusing to let go even when we met the others. Like a kid afraid to lose his balloon you walked around dragging me along wherever you went. And when you had to let go and shot me that concerned look, I could counter it with smile ever so small. Instead of wandering behind everyone as you took on the position of our leader I now stood amongst them and they held me down. An arm draped around my neck, a hand on my shoulder.
Though there was no edge, though there was no wind to push me and make me fall I was surrounded by men sharing my frustration and they were supporting me. It was tough for all of us, but together we had always made it through. Why would this time be different? We could overcome every obstacle and when I once more hit the ground, cursing and balling my hands into tight fists I looked up to see your hand, but not only yours. I realized the smiles on your faces were not mocking me, they were cheering me on, comforting me in a way I only now understood.
I am rough, I hurt the people around me and I am often reckless and hold a lot of pride. I fall more than anyone else literally and figuratively. I am easily angered and find relief in showing it through violence. I have many doubts that often overshadow my goals.
I am Kim YoungWoon, proud member of Super Junior. I share my dreams, my hopes, my sweat and tears with fourteen evenly pressured men. I have thirteen brothers and a lover who stand by me. Alone I am weak, together we are strong. When I fall, there are fourteen arms and pairs of hands lifting me back up.