(no subject)
well.. to start things off..
i havent talked to my best friend in almost a week.. a week on wednesday... even then it wasnt that much... it feels weird not talkin to him alot.. his gf had her kid.. (if we all remember way back in the journal, its not his)... so hes been with her alot... i miss talkin to him.. he always had that bit of sanity for me when something when wrong.. or when i needed someone to talk to... and damn.. ill tell ya what.. i sure need someone to talk to...
yea.. the chris problem... hed know what to tell me.. and id feel better... he knows chris better than i do.. well.. i think so anyways.. id talk to chad about it.. but.. me and chad dont have one of those relationships.. same thing with greg... id love to have a friendship with them like heather does.. but.. i dunno.. i dont really see it happening.. im just a complete pessimist... kinda like how i cant wait till wednesday to see chris.. but.. wednesdays are my happy nites... im out of my slump.. im with my boys(and girls) playin beruit... having fun and forgetting that i have problems... for one.. its already gonna be tough enuff to get the balls to even talk to chris... and for two.. if i get rejected... ill be numb for awhile.. and i dont think beruit will be the same for me...
its killin me inside.. it really is.. he used to be one of those guys that would cross my mind every now and then... then id start thinkin about him... then when i heard a certain song.. id think of him.. then think about it.. then eventually it became a *i cant get you out of my head* sort of thing.. he worked his way into my dreams.. and i dont know if i can really go thru with another rejection... i already have lower then low self esteem as is.. but i know if he does give the thumbs down.. hell have this whole explanation backing himself up.. and ill pretend to feel better.. and ill go on being numb inside until i get over the fact that...
i am one of the guys...
*insert dramatic emo sigh here*