recent journal...
Super aware. I feel so strangely aware of every thing. Like IM digested some sense-heightening drug. It’s odd.
Entries From my journal:
I have got to get up in a few hours. My mine will not stop, I can not get any peace. I can’t get any quiet. I can’t get any satisfaction. I can’t get any thing I want or need. all I can get are funny looks and bad karma, and answering machines.
“ Your call has been forwarded…beep.”
Go voice mail.
I miss having a weekend getaway in Richmond. Maybe I’ll move in the fall or this coming winter. At some point id like to get the fuck out of Charlottesville, some place new, where I can breathe. Im afraid id just get lost, or rather more lost. Looked over and cast aside again. I’m always in the back, always in the corner. Always standing by the wall, outside the circle. I fail, I suck, I hate, and it hurts. I’m too afraid to speak out and I’m too dumb to do anything with it anyway. I can’t create, no art, not vent. I’m pitiful, sickening, I’m hopeless. My knuckles are as raw as my brain, my wrist is as sore as my throat, and my guts are as full of shit as every one else is. I know that in relation to the world and every one in it, this means nothing, but this is mine and it hurts and I don’t know what to do about it. I don’t know what do do with myself.
Every thing I do
Reminds me of you
The things we would do
When were so new
When you loved me
And I had you
But now every thing I do
Reminds me of how much
I miss you
Monday, august 21, AD 2006
I’ve never cried so much over a girl.
I’ve never cried so much at all.
I don’t cry! I am crying.
I find myself crying daily
Jasmine is not a girl,
Jasmine is me,
And I am devoted to her.
I love her more that my self,
I love her more that life itself.
What do I do?
Oh God! What do I do now?
Though we are not together,
Our love will not end.
I will love her as long as love exists.
As long as the sun burns bright In the sky,
As long as there is day and night,
I will love her as I do now.
I loved her I love her I will always love her
Do not forget that
August23, 06
I think my mother is going to kill herself, shes trying awfully hard. No sleep, doesn’t eat, depression, works night shift, men, and their ex girlfriends. All of that combined with a religion and society that doesn’t except weirdoes. I think I’ve inherited some of her unbalanced chemistry, but at least I know I’m not totally balanced. God this is depressing! Jasmine is gone, and my friends are leaving soon. I hate my job. My mother has gone mad. I hate the world. I have no outlet.
Green eyed
Blue haired
Bloody nosed
Sleep deprived
Heart broken
Government hating
World loathing
Fingernail biting
Corner dwelling
Paranoid
Freak
One more fucking thing and ill EXPLODE
DEATH
DEPRESSION
MAYHEM
MADNESS
FEAR
LOATHING
TORTURE
MURDER
SUICIDE
SLAUGHTER
ANGER
DISPAIR
FRUSTRATION!
8/24-26/06
with so many things gone wrong its hard so see any good.
Im sorry
I miss my miss. I miss talking to Adam and people who share knowledge. I miss living, I miss the good times. I miss the past. Do you remember rock and roll radio? Do you remember all the smiles. Do you remember our pure Electro-love-affair. Do you remember being happy, or even content.
Entries From my journal:
I have got to get up in a few hours. My mine will not stop, I can not get any peace. I can’t get any quiet. I can’t get any satisfaction. I can’t get any thing I want or need. all I can get are funny looks and bad karma, and answering machines.
“ Your call has been forwarded…beep.”
Go voice mail.
I miss having a weekend getaway in Richmond. Maybe I’ll move in the fall or this coming winter. At some point id like to get the fuck out of Charlottesville, some place new, where I can breathe. Im afraid id just get lost, or rather more lost. Looked over and cast aside again. I’m always in the back, always in the corner. Always standing by the wall, outside the circle. I fail, I suck, I hate, and it hurts. I’m too afraid to speak out and I’m too dumb to do anything with it anyway. I can’t create, no art, not vent. I’m pitiful, sickening, I’m hopeless. My knuckles are as raw as my brain, my wrist is as sore as my throat, and my guts are as full of shit as every one else is. I know that in relation to the world and every one in it, this means nothing, but this is mine and it hurts and I don’t know what to do about it. I don’t know what do do with myself.
Every thing I do
Reminds me of you
The things we would do
When were so new
When you loved me
And I had you
But now every thing I do
Reminds me of how much
I miss you
Monday, august 21, AD 2006
I’ve never cried so much over a girl.
I’ve never cried so much at all.
I don’t cry! I am crying.
I find myself crying daily
Jasmine is not a girl,
Jasmine is me,
And I am devoted to her.
I love her more that my self,
I love her more that life itself.
What do I do?
Oh God! What do I do now?
Though we are not together,
Our love will not end.
I will love her as long as love exists.
As long as the sun burns bright In the sky,
As long as there is day and night,
I will love her as I do now.
I loved her I love her I will always love her
Do not forget that
August23, 06
I think my mother is going to kill herself, shes trying awfully hard. No sleep, doesn’t eat, depression, works night shift, men, and their ex girlfriends. All of that combined with a religion and society that doesn’t except weirdoes. I think I’ve inherited some of her unbalanced chemistry, but at least I know I’m not totally balanced. God this is depressing! Jasmine is gone, and my friends are leaving soon. I hate my job. My mother has gone mad. I hate the world. I have no outlet.
Green eyed
Blue haired
Bloody nosed
Sleep deprived
Heart broken
Government hating
World loathing
Fingernail biting
Corner dwelling
Paranoid
Freak
One more fucking thing and ill EXPLODE
DEATH
DEPRESSION
MAYHEM
MADNESS
FEAR
LOATHING
TORTURE
MURDER
SUICIDE
SLAUGHTER
ANGER
DISPAIR
FRUSTRATION!
8/24-26/06
with so many things gone wrong its hard so see any good.
Im sorry
I miss my miss. I miss talking to Adam and people who share knowledge. I miss living, I miss the good times. I miss the past. Do you remember rock and roll radio? Do you remember all the smiles. Do you remember our pure Electro-love-affair. Do you remember being happy, or even content.