(no subject)
Title: That which should have been
Rating: G
Summary: Kirk reminisces about opportunities missed - will he get another chance?
Warnings: angst
Word Count: 1000
Based on the TOS episode 'The Corbomite Maneuver' which was filmed as the third episode (after the pilot 'The Cage' that didn't take off and got cannibalized later and the second try at a pilot, 'Where no man has gone before'). It has always been the first 'real' episode to me (not counting the pilot since that's preliminary stuff that establishes the characters and all). In this, I am (sorta) following our Ship Wars Captain's lead who in her Analyzation posts also sticks with the production rather than the air date of the episodes.
Would have.
Could have.
Should have.
Words. Only just words. And yet, swirling through his mind, dragging him down like he was drowning in them, they wouldn’t release their hold on him.
Hands clasped behind his back in a stance that was achingly reminiscent of another person’s usual posture, Jim stood ramrod-straight, staring out the viewport. The beauty of space and its myriad of stars lay before him - spread out for unappreciative eyes as his gaze was focused inward at those words.
Would have.
Could have.
Should have.
Out of those, the last one was the kicker. The one that kept stealing his breath away, kept his eyes misting over. ‘Should have’. So many things he 'should have' - should have done. Should have said. He hadn’t, and now it was too late.
Spock was gone.
For a moment, his breath hitched at the back of his throat, and he hurried to remind himself that ‘gone’ didn’t mean ‘dead’, that Spock was still out there somewhere, amongst those very stars.
Still, Spock was gone, no longer at his side. Had moved on, and Jim knew that he should do the same, should .. should .. let him go. Let go of those thoughts and finally set Spock free.
What a laughable concept. Let go? How did one let go when the most mundane of things brought on memories? When the thoughts came unbidden at the unlikeliest of occasions? He had tried, had really tried. Had even gotten away for a few days, as Bones had suggested. The ocean, Bones had said. Toss your sadness to the waves. Noone could ever claim that his friend wasn’t perceptive. And so, Jim had gone, to get away.
But how did you stay away when the sight of a simple navigational buoy out in the distance reminded you of Spock? When a piece of fly trap dangling in the motel office made another memory of Spock pop up? When an ongoing poker game provoked more thoughts of Spock? When catching the tail-end of ‘The Wizard of Oz’ reminded you of an alien who had been hiding behind his own ‘curtain’ of sorts?
His heart had recognized long before his mind the significance of these apparently mundane items and sights. Oh, he knew that he was drifting, emotionally lost. Or rather, that the emotional security that Spock’s presence at his side had always provided was now nowhere to be found. It took him much longer to figure out what a buoy, some fly paper, a poker game and an old television movie had to do with his forsakenness.
Once he had figured it out though, there had been nothing to keep him continuing with his ‘vacation’, meant to aid his grief-work. Bones was a sly one, he decided as he boarded a shuttle to return him to Earth’s spaceport. Jim didn’t doubt for one second that the doctor had quite deliberately chosen a setting that was so far-removed from the one whose loss Jim mourned for. Earth vs. Vulcan, ocean vs. desert, dirt-bound vs. soaring amongst the stars. A sound strategy, though it had failed nevertheless. Too vividly did Jim hear the Sirens’ call of the stars. He had needed to go and see them, to feel as close as possible to the one who was lost to him now.
And so, he was standing here, at the viewport, eyes seeking out the general direction of Vulcan such an unbelievable distance away. He permitted the words to press down on him, to encircle him and draw his heart’s blood with every vicious nip they took at his very being. At the same time, he let his mind travel back to the beginning of what had eventually become an epic friendship, renown the universe over. Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock.
A desperate situation, a no-win scenario, death on the line. A conference room with the senior staff present.
“I believe it adds to either one of two possibilities, Captain. First, a space buoy of some kind.”
“Second, Mr. Spock?”
“Fly paper.”
Of course. “And you don’t recommend sticking around.”
“Negative, Captain, it would make us appear too weak.”
Not their first mission together .. but the first one during which he had been aware of his feelings for his unflappable first officer. Jim sighed, allowing more memories to play.
"A most interesting game, this... poker."
"It does have its advantages over chess."
"Love to teach it to you."
A trusted tag-team. And yet, so much less than they could have been. Should have been!
Just like Balok, Jim had hidden his true self away. Had been aware of his feelings, yet hadn’t acted upon them. One opportunity missed, with thousands more to follow. He had banked on having time. Always having time. Until acting upon his feelings had been left too late.
"Has it occurred to you that there's a certain ... inefficiency ... in constantly questioning me on things you've already made up your mind about?"
"It gives me emotional security, Mr. Spock."
Emotional security. He wanted it back. He wanted HIM back, the one who had provided him with such security time and time again.
Again his eyes sought out the general direction of Vulcan, a planet so very far away as Spock currently was away from his side. So much time wasted, so many opportunities to own up, come and gone. So much left undone, unasked, unsaid. So many ‘should haves’ weighing heavily on him.
“So much pain.” a voice rang out behind him, clear and precise in its diction. “Such unnecessary regrets.”
Jim whirled around in breathless hope-against-hope, arms unfurling from their locked position behind his back. “Spock ..” he breathed.
“Indeed.” Amusement sparkled in dark eyes.
“Spock!”
Should have. No more. No more!
“Spock .. will you go out with me?” he rushed out, breathlessly.
The slightest inclination of Spock’s head. “Yes.” he said.
“I thought you would never ask.”
Now, he had. Like he should have done so many years ago.
Rating: G
Summary: Kirk reminisces about opportunities missed - will he get another chance?
Warnings: angst
Word Count: 1000
Based on the TOS episode 'The Corbomite Maneuver' which was filmed as the third episode (after the pilot 'The Cage' that didn't take off and got cannibalized later and the second try at a pilot, 'Where no man has gone before'). It has always been the first 'real' episode to me (not counting the pilot since that's preliminary stuff that establishes the characters and all). In this, I am (sorta) following our Ship Wars Captain's lead who in her Analyzation posts also sticks with the production rather than the air date of the episodes.
Would have.
Could have.
Should have.
Words. Only just words. And yet, swirling through his mind, dragging him down like he was drowning in them, they wouldn’t release their hold on him.
Hands clasped behind his back in a stance that was achingly reminiscent of another person’s usual posture, Jim stood ramrod-straight, staring out the viewport. The beauty of space and its myriad of stars lay before him - spread out for unappreciative eyes as his gaze was focused inward at those words.
Would have.
Could have.
Should have.
Out of those, the last one was the kicker. The one that kept stealing his breath away, kept his eyes misting over. ‘Should have’. So many things he 'should have' - should have done. Should have said. He hadn’t, and now it was too late.
Spock was gone.
For a moment, his breath hitched at the back of his throat, and he hurried to remind himself that ‘gone’ didn’t mean ‘dead’, that Spock was still out there somewhere, amongst those very stars.
Still, Spock was gone, no longer at his side. Had moved on, and Jim knew that he should do the same, should .. should .. let him go. Let go of those thoughts and finally set Spock free.
What a laughable concept. Let go? How did one let go when the most mundane of things brought on memories? When the thoughts came unbidden at the unlikeliest of occasions? He had tried, had really tried. Had even gotten away for a few days, as Bones had suggested. The ocean, Bones had said. Toss your sadness to the waves. Noone could ever claim that his friend wasn’t perceptive. And so, Jim had gone, to get away.
But how did you stay away when the sight of a simple navigational buoy out in the distance reminded you of Spock? When a piece of fly trap dangling in the motel office made another memory of Spock pop up? When an ongoing poker game provoked more thoughts of Spock? When catching the tail-end of ‘The Wizard of Oz’ reminded you of an alien who had been hiding behind his own ‘curtain’ of sorts?
His heart had recognized long before his mind the significance of these apparently mundane items and sights. Oh, he knew that he was drifting, emotionally lost. Or rather, that the emotional security that Spock’s presence at his side had always provided was now nowhere to be found. It took him much longer to figure out what a buoy, some fly paper, a poker game and an old television movie had to do with his forsakenness.
Once he had figured it out though, there had been nothing to keep him continuing with his ‘vacation’, meant to aid his grief-work. Bones was a sly one, he decided as he boarded a shuttle to return him to Earth’s spaceport. Jim didn’t doubt for one second that the doctor had quite deliberately chosen a setting that was so far-removed from the one whose loss Jim mourned for. Earth vs. Vulcan, ocean vs. desert, dirt-bound vs. soaring amongst the stars. A sound strategy, though it had failed nevertheless. Too vividly did Jim hear the Sirens’ call of the stars. He had needed to go and see them, to feel as close as possible to the one who was lost to him now.
And so, he was standing here, at the viewport, eyes seeking out the general direction of Vulcan such an unbelievable distance away. He permitted the words to press down on him, to encircle him and draw his heart’s blood with every vicious nip they took at his very being. At the same time, he let his mind travel back to the beginning of what had eventually become an epic friendship, renown the universe over. Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock.
A desperate situation, a no-win scenario, death on the line. A conference room with the senior staff present.
“I believe it adds to either one of two possibilities, Captain. First, a space buoy of some kind.”
“Second, Mr. Spock?”
“Fly paper.”
Of course. “And you don’t recommend sticking around.”
“Negative, Captain, it would make us appear too weak.”
Not their first mission together .. but the first one during which he had been aware of his feelings for his unflappable first officer. Jim sighed, allowing more memories to play.
"A most interesting game, this... poker."
"It does have its advantages over chess."
"Love to teach it to you."
A trusted tag-team. And yet, so much less than they could have been. Should have been!
Just like Balok, Jim had hidden his true self away. Had been aware of his feelings, yet hadn’t acted upon them. One opportunity missed, with thousands more to follow. He had banked on having time. Always having time. Until acting upon his feelings had been left too late.
"Has it occurred to you that there's a certain ... inefficiency ... in constantly questioning me on things you've already made up your mind about?"
"It gives me emotional security, Mr. Spock."
Emotional security. He wanted it back. He wanted HIM back, the one who had provided him with such security time and time again.
Again his eyes sought out the general direction of Vulcan, a planet so very far away as Spock currently was away from his side. So much time wasted, so many opportunities to own up, come and gone. So much left undone, unasked, unsaid. So many ‘should haves’ weighing heavily on him.
“So much pain.” a voice rang out behind him, clear and precise in its diction. “Such unnecessary regrets.”
Jim whirled around in breathless hope-against-hope, arms unfurling from their locked position behind his back. “Spock ..” he breathed.
“Indeed.” Amusement sparkled in dark eyes.
“Spock!”
Should have. No more. No more!
“Spock .. will you go out with me?” he rushed out, breathlessly.
The slightest inclination of Spock’s head. “Yes.” he said.
“I thought you would never ask.”
Now, he had. Like he should have done so many years ago.