Shining.Star
So I said I would finally get started it on it.
Well here it is. I started this on 15 JAN 08 @ 2330.
Eh I don't know how where to begin.
Well I assume the biggest question is why?
Why would I do this, I never seem like the person the would
or for those that do know me, why would I try again.
Yes, thats correct.
This isn't my first attempt at this,
well I guess you really wouldn't call this an attempt.
Because if you're reading this I actually succeeded.
But going back to the question.
Why?
I don't deserve to live.
I can't go on living.
I just don't have the strength to continue on.
I mean there is so much I want to talk about and its going to be scattered all over this letter.
Hence why I'm writing it ahead of time.
I mean how can I sit around depressed all day when I'm in good health
Have all my limbs, have all my senses
I have a good job and maybe a few people who care about me?
I don't fucking know.
I'm weak, I don't deserve the right to pass on my genes.
And to whoever says suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem is a fucking moron.
Well in my case anyways. I don't call 11+ years of my life a temporary problem.
There has not been a day that has passed since my father died,
that I have not thought about killing myself.
I mean why not?
It's going to put an end to all the pain and suffering
I feel like an empty shell walking around
I don't care about anything anymore.
The only goal in mind for me is to get a car and buy a gun to shoot myself.
But you guys already know that.
I'm only doing the bullshit meaningless tasks in between to get where I need to be.
Mostly I just need money.
Alex, why.
Alexandria Smith. Why?
Where were you when I needed you?
I know I fucked up.
But you didn't have to change the way you did.
Its all my fault.
All my fault.
If I has never cheated on you in the first place
we probably would have never broken up
I would have never joined the Air Force
I would have never felt the worst pain in my life.
We would have been happily ever after.
But I fucked it up.
And I caused you to change
Into the monster you are now
I'm so sorry.
I'm so fucking sorry.
I don't know any other way to put it.
I don't know any other way to show it.
I had a song written and published for you.
But that couldn't even say how sorry I am.
I'm sorry that I couldn't be the person you wanted me to be
I protected you from everyone but one person.
Myself.
I'm my own worst enemy, etc, etc.
Oh and if I kill myself before I get a will completed.
I want to be cremated and my ashes dumped in Lake Michigan.
No I don't want to be buried.
And I don't want any boo-hoo ceremony.
I'm not suffering anymore(hey I'm agnostic remember)
so it will be okay.
life goes on NO MATTER WHAT
all my shit? give it to Alan.
I'm sure he'd enjoy it.
i guess you can remember me by this or whatever.
And suicide is not selfish.
I've been through the pros and the cons.
update: 14 JUL 08
I went and seen mental health.
they want me to go on meds.
i dont think the shit will work but whatever
im giving it a chance
and if this doesnt work
im out of here.
and guess what.
it didn't work.
So now I sit here.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
i emailed Alex my password for my livejournal.
You're going to have to crack the private one to really see what I was going through.
The last few weeks at home were ok at best
I have no life to come back to.
People see me as such a shining star
But I don't understand how much a shining star could be so dark on the inside.
........Just remember.....
I'm in a better place now.
See you guys in the next life.
Maybe I'll get it right then.
Well here it is. I started this on 15 JAN 08 @ 2330.
Eh I don't know how where to begin.
Well I assume the biggest question is why?
Why would I do this, I never seem like the person the would
or for those that do know me, why would I try again.
Yes, thats correct.
This isn't my first attempt at this,
well I guess you really wouldn't call this an attempt.
Because if you're reading this I actually succeeded.
But going back to the question.
Why?
I don't deserve to live.
I can't go on living.
I just don't have the strength to continue on.
I mean there is so much I want to talk about and its going to be scattered all over this letter.
Hence why I'm writing it ahead of time.
I mean how can I sit around depressed all day when I'm in good health
Have all my limbs, have all my senses
I have a good job and maybe a few people who care about me?
I don't fucking know.
I'm weak, I don't deserve the right to pass on my genes.
And to whoever says suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem is a fucking moron.
Well in my case anyways. I don't call 11+ years of my life a temporary problem.
There has not been a day that has passed since my father died,
that I have not thought about killing myself.
I mean why not?
It's going to put an end to all the pain and suffering
I feel like an empty shell walking around
I don't care about anything anymore.
The only goal in mind for me is to get a car and buy a gun to shoot myself.
But you guys already know that.
I'm only doing the bullshit meaningless tasks in between to get where I need to be.
Mostly I just need money.
Alex, why.
Alexandria Smith. Why?
Where were you when I needed you?
I know I fucked up.
But you didn't have to change the way you did.
Its all my fault.
All my fault.
If I has never cheated on you in the first place
we probably would have never broken up
I would have never joined the Air Force
I would have never felt the worst pain in my life.
We would have been happily ever after.
But I fucked it up.
And I caused you to change
Into the monster you are now
I'm so sorry.
I'm so fucking sorry.
I don't know any other way to put it.
I don't know any other way to show it.
I had a song written and published for you.
But that couldn't even say how sorry I am.
I'm sorry that I couldn't be the person you wanted me to be
I protected you from everyone but one person.
Myself.
I'm my own worst enemy, etc, etc.
Oh and if I kill myself before I get a will completed.
I want to be cremated and my ashes dumped in Lake Michigan.
No I don't want to be buried.
And I don't want any boo-hoo ceremony.
I'm not suffering anymore(hey I'm agnostic remember)
so it will be okay.
life goes on NO MATTER WHAT
all my shit? give it to Alan.
I'm sure he'd enjoy it.
i guess you can remember me by this or whatever.
And suicide is not selfish.
I've been through the pros and the cons.
update: 14 JUL 08
I went and seen mental health.
they want me to go on meds.
i dont think the shit will work but whatever
im giving it a chance
and if this doesnt work
im out of here.
and guess what.
it didn't work.
So now I sit here.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
i emailed Alex my password for my livejournal.
You're going to have to crack the private one to really see what I was going through.
The last few weeks at home were ok at best
I have no life to come back to.
People see me as such a shining star
But I don't understand how much a shining star could be so dark on the inside.
........Just remember.....
I'm in a better place now.
See you guys in the next life.
Maybe I'll get it right then.