Hard day
So last night little one was up from 3:30-6:30, being generally awake and happy, fussy only when we put him down. He's darn cute, but in the middle of the night, it's not so convenient for him to be awake. He was up for much of the day today, allowing me to put him down for about an hour this afternoon. He's down now. I hope this means he'll sleep for much of the night, allowing me to sleep again.
Breastfeeding is hard. Despite the fact that it's MUCH easier this time around, I get glimpses of what it was like trying to get Charlie to the breast, which was never really successful. Joshie doesn't have reflux or colic, which is a major relief, but between worrying about making enough milk and having a baby on you all the time, there's no time to replenish or relax. Little one's favorite place in the whole world is at the breast. He can be on there, eating or just nuzzling and playing, for hours. Typical guy, I guess. He's becoming more and more reluctant to take a bottle from me, which is becoming a problem. I'm just not 100% there in terms of a milk supply. We're getting there, but it's a struggle. So he'll latch on and go for 3-4 letdown cycles over the course of an hour or so.
This is fine during the middle of the day when Charlie is at school, but at the end of the day, when my supply is at its lowest, and Charlie needs attention, it's damn near impossible. When we do nurse during the period between 4-6pm, if we go for more than, say, 20 minutes, Charlie goes ballistic. He climbs on me, so I end up sheltering the baby. This, of course, makes Charlie clamor for attention all the more. The cycle is vicious, and by the end of an afternoon, I am completely spent.
I'm starting to resent Ben's being at work, getting to eat and pee when he needs to. Getting to shower every day. Getting to talk to adults who aren't the exterminator or the contractor who is doing the roof. I'm starting to see my dreams come out in the daylight, falling asleep in the Queen Anne chair whilst nursing the baby. Watching too much television because I can't concentrate enough to read during the day. This is definitely the sleep deprivation getting to me.
So far, postpartum depression hasn't made an appearance, despite my fears. So far, it's been a combination of bliss and exhausted crabbiness. Throw in one child crying setting off the other, precisely at 4:30pm, with a mommy who is generally at her wit's end with the older one (who has decided to save all his sassy obnoxious behavior for mom...for this I'm thankful.), you have a recipe for disaster...and you have a typical weekday. I feel guilty about how much television Charlie watches these days, but frankly, I don't see another way around rainy days. I don't see how moms of multiple children do it all day every day. If it weren't for preschool I doubt we would have had a second child at all.
Still, Josh is the cutest baby ever. He's big on giving me these big goofy grins when he's nursing, and often after. When I use the changing table setup we have on my dresser to change his diaper, Josh likes to look in the mirror and stick out his tongue. I don't know if he's so aware of what he's doing, but he seems to get a kick out of it. He gets fussy if, while nursing, the flow slows down before he's ready, or if it's too fast. And he poops like 8 times a day. I swear. This is different. Charlie used to have "poop days," as in one poop every 4 days or so. We go through more diapers than I can really handle.
At 3 1/2, Charlie is endlessly asking "why" questions. He wants to understand what it means to be "just kidding." His sense of humor is developing, but frankly, he's fairly clueless about what it means to tell a joke. And he REALLY wants to know how to do it. He just doesn't understand the difference between kidding around and being maliciously obnoxious, and I have no idea how to help him make that distinction. He's starting to figure out how to initiate contact with other kids, but it hasn't hit him yet that he needs to look at them when he initiates conversation. I wonder if he picked that up here, considering that Ben and I often have conversations on opposite ends of the house.
Charlie so desperately wants the attention of other adults and other children, and I don't want to get in the way of that. I feel like he's always getting himself in trouble around here, doing it on purpose to get attention. He's making mischief where he knows he shouldn't. Generally this is a kid with a massive superego, so seeing him get into cabinets and running into parking lots when he knows he shouldn't be is a cause for alarm. I fear he may be losing confidence in himself and I don't know how to instill self confidence in him, as I grew up lacking it. How do I do this? How do I continue to discipline him, and continue to give him the attention he needs, when he has a new baby brother? Do we just plow through it? I wish I had the answer.
I wish I had the answers to a lot of things. How do I maintain the energy to get through each day, especially the rainy ones? If it weren't for afternoon playdates and very patient girlfriends, I have no idea how I'd get through the week. I know my life is easy. And I know I signed up for this. But when the day is rainy and cold and the 3 year old isn't listening to a blessed word I'm saying, and the baby is starving at 3:30 because he refused to eat (in favor of a nap on momma's lap) before we had to go pick up said three year old at school, this is when I'd consider that the day is just damn hard. I hope tomorrow's easier, and we all get to sleep tonight.
Breastfeeding is hard. Despite the fact that it's MUCH easier this time around, I get glimpses of what it was like trying to get Charlie to the breast, which was never really successful. Joshie doesn't have reflux or colic, which is a major relief, but between worrying about making enough milk and having a baby on you all the time, there's no time to replenish or relax. Little one's favorite place in the whole world is at the breast. He can be on there, eating or just nuzzling and playing, for hours. Typical guy, I guess. He's becoming more and more reluctant to take a bottle from me, which is becoming a problem. I'm just not 100% there in terms of a milk supply. We're getting there, but it's a struggle. So he'll latch on and go for 3-4 letdown cycles over the course of an hour or so.
This is fine during the middle of the day when Charlie is at school, but at the end of the day, when my supply is at its lowest, and Charlie needs attention, it's damn near impossible. When we do nurse during the period between 4-6pm, if we go for more than, say, 20 minutes, Charlie goes ballistic. He climbs on me, so I end up sheltering the baby. This, of course, makes Charlie clamor for attention all the more. The cycle is vicious, and by the end of an afternoon, I am completely spent.
I'm starting to resent Ben's being at work, getting to eat and pee when he needs to. Getting to shower every day. Getting to talk to adults who aren't the exterminator or the contractor who is doing the roof. I'm starting to see my dreams come out in the daylight, falling asleep in the Queen Anne chair whilst nursing the baby. Watching too much television because I can't concentrate enough to read during the day. This is definitely the sleep deprivation getting to me.
So far, postpartum depression hasn't made an appearance, despite my fears. So far, it's been a combination of bliss and exhausted crabbiness. Throw in one child crying setting off the other, precisely at 4:30pm, with a mommy who is generally at her wit's end with the older one (who has decided to save all his sassy obnoxious behavior for mom...for this I'm thankful.), you have a recipe for disaster...and you have a typical weekday. I feel guilty about how much television Charlie watches these days, but frankly, I don't see another way around rainy days. I don't see how moms of multiple children do it all day every day. If it weren't for preschool I doubt we would have had a second child at all.
Still, Josh is the cutest baby ever. He's big on giving me these big goofy grins when he's nursing, and often after. When I use the changing table setup we have on my dresser to change his diaper, Josh likes to look in the mirror and stick out his tongue. I don't know if he's so aware of what he's doing, but he seems to get a kick out of it. He gets fussy if, while nursing, the flow slows down before he's ready, or if it's too fast. And he poops like 8 times a day. I swear. This is different. Charlie used to have "poop days," as in one poop every 4 days or so. We go through more diapers than I can really handle.
At 3 1/2, Charlie is endlessly asking "why" questions. He wants to understand what it means to be "just kidding." His sense of humor is developing, but frankly, he's fairly clueless about what it means to tell a joke. And he REALLY wants to know how to do it. He just doesn't understand the difference between kidding around and being maliciously obnoxious, and I have no idea how to help him make that distinction. He's starting to figure out how to initiate contact with other kids, but it hasn't hit him yet that he needs to look at them when he initiates conversation. I wonder if he picked that up here, considering that Ben and I often have conversations on opposite ends of the house.
Charlie so desperately wants the attention of other adults and other children, and I don't want to get in the way of that. I feel like he's always getting himself in trouble around here, doing it on purpose to get attention. He's making mischief where he knows he shouldn't. Generally this is a kid with a massive superego, so seeing him get into cabinets and running into parking lots when he knows he shouldn't be is a cause for alarm. I fear he may be losing confidence in himself and I don't know how to instill self confidence in him, as I grew up lacking it. How do I do this? How do I continue to discipline him, and continue to give him the attention he needs, when he has a new baby brother? Do we just plow through it? I wish I had the answer.
I wish I had the answers to a lot of things. How do I maintain the energy to get through each day, especially the rainy ones? If it weren't for afternoon playdates and very patient girlfriends, I have no idea how I'd get through the week. I know my life is easy. And I know I signed up for this. But when the day is rainy and cold and the 3 year old isn't listening to a blessed word I'm saying, and the baby is starving at 3:30 because he refused to eat (in favor of a nap on momma's lap) before we had to go pick up said three year old at school, this is when I'd consider that the day is just damn hard. I hope tomorrow's easier, and we all get to sleep tonight.