Hesitant Heart Beats - Chapter 4 - Decisions
Title: Hesitant Heart Beats - 4/13
Author: xkotakux
Band/Pairing: the GazettE // Reita x Ruki
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Cursing
Summary: Keeping secrets from their band mates had almost been a thrill to both of them, finding it sinfully good to sneak away during break in practice to kiss. But then, keeping it from the others got complicated, releasing new material, going to interviews/photo shoots, and performing lives didn’t always leave room for the couple to have alone time. And Ruki found himself questioning if this relationship really had love centered in it.
Comment: Please comment dearies~ =3
Prologue
Chapter 1 - Decline
Chapter 2 - The Judge
Chapter 3 - Guilt
Chapter 4 - Decisions
A pendulum swung lazily inside its glass casing of its grandfather clock. Groaning with each swing as a cry outward that the gears inside would give out soon. After all, nothing lasted forever. Aside the gentle ticking or the clock’s hands and the pendulum’s sighs, the living space surrounding the object was quiet, save for the noise that was accumulating outside. Night life seemed to drip late into the hours for some people.
However, the peace inside the apartment was soon disturbed as the jiggle of the doorknob echoed off the walls. Whoever was trying to get inside was taking their sweet time. The refrigerator produced a clacking sound from inside, signaling that ice was being made, it seemed that the sleepy pad was about to come to life.
Another click from the doorknob and the door itself was pushed open. Into the darkened pad went Reita who fumbled his fingers against the wall in search of the light switch, he was surprised when he actually had to try and locate it instead of hitting it automatically which was pure routine.
Once he had finally switched the switch on, light flooded into the small space of the apartment, the bassist covered his eyes in protest to the optimistic light. It hurt to come from outside which was so dark; it was as if a blanket has just been yanked off of him.
Feet paddling onto the wooden floor below, Reita made his way over to the recliner, ignoring the green, worn couch that was tucked up against the opposing wall. It was times like this that Reita would seek the comfort of his black leather recliner that was placed in the corner of the room. It allowed him to survey the whole of his living room (and kitchen since it was located so close to it, that’s what one gets for taking an apartment. However the bedroom was tucked off into another room, completely out of site) while having a little extra comfort.
Reita wouldn’t even entertain the idea to try and watch television; after all, the television was to the left of his recliner, he wouldn’t be able to see anything. (The one bad thing about the recliner.) He sat there with sadness painted into his eyes and anger dotting his lips. He felt like a tornado was running around his emotions, laughing as everything went up and down, dancing around while Reita tried to grab hold of one of them.
It hurt to walk out that door, out of Ruki’s apartment, out of sight and maybe mind of Ruki. It hurt to come home to an empty house when feelings feel like they’ve been on a whirlwind for far too long. But most of all, it hurt to come home without Ruki.
Bitter, frustrated, and exhausted, Reita rubbed his temples trying to regain some peace inside his thought-twisted brain, but the annoying hum of the clock that was situated next to the couch was trying to call upon him. Trying to ignore the sound, Reita pressed his fingers harder against his temples, he should have known better though as it only made them hurt more.
With an angry scowl, Reita jumped up and looked to the two long strides over to his (as he called it) ‘little perk’ of the place. Though it was small, it was one of those extra things one receives when they managed to rent an apartment on the second story, a tiny balcony. Thrusting open the door leading to the suspended concrete slab, Reita heard the clock moan once more before he shut the door with a little too much force.
The gray concrete was cold against his bare feet and the night chill that was starting to settle in didn’t help the rest of his body that was now freed of his jacket. But he didn’t really feel it; the only think he knew for sure he was feeling was confusion, sadness, and frustration.
“What the hell did I do, huh?” Reita muttered out into the night wind. He didn’t even look to see if any neighbors were out on there balconies or anyone below, and frankly, he didn’t give a shit if anyone heard him talk to himself. “What the hell did I do, huh!?” The bassist slammed his fist down on the railing, a sharp crack pierced the once silence of the night. The wood of the railing was old, paint chipping, and Reita had just added another battle scar to it. “Fuck!” As he picked his hands back up, he felt the taunting pain of splinters trying to bury themselves into his skin and find a new home. It was just another annoying piece of pain, another insult to injury.
As Reita pried out the splinters carefully, though cursing as every little chipped piece abandoned his skin, the bassist felt tears well up in his eyes. Was he that horrible to Ruki? Bitter tears pooled by his eyes and burned with another feeling called jealousy. Jealously that Ruki had so much power over him, so much control over how he was feeling at the moment, what he wanted to do, who he cried for. Perhaps he didn’t want that power, maybe just a taste, surely that couldn’t hurt.
And as the tears made their decent down Reita’s pale cheeks, the gears of new ideas seemed to have been greased by these notions. Click. Click Ideas, bad ones and good once came at him like a strong, heavy wave. A new question was now in the front of the line for Reita to entertain.
And what if Ruki did break up with him?
Kill himself? Threaten the vocalist? Cry up a storm and drown everyone? They were all a little crazy (especially the first as Reita saw it) but equally understandable in an odd other worldly sense. But the words ‘what if’ played through his head like a broken record player. What would Ruki do? That seemed like an even greater question.
There was an idea forming though, one that was working itself into a plan, but it was all out of the spite of being rejected so much recently. He knew he shouldn’t, it was the exact opposite of what he was currently trying to accomplish, but it was going to prove something to him. Ruki didn’t want him right now? That was now damn peachy for Reita. Ruki wanted his space. Well, Reita was about to let Ruki have all the space he could have from him.
☆
Fucking idiot… Reita cursed at himself as he stood next to a coolly posed Ruki during their newest Hyena photo shoot.
How could he have forgotten that he was almost always positioned next to Ruki during these kinds of shoots? Elementary indeed. His plan was already backfiring and it hadn’t even been implemented for a full day. But that wasn’t about to stop the determined bassists.
Maybe Reita was being cruel now, the rest of the night he sat up thinking about how Ruki would end up regretting trying to put distance between them in the first place. He felt like he was back in middle school in some stupid argument rather than in a relationship that was losing its pieces.
But nevertheless, the gears in his head kept turning and as they spun, this seemed like a better and better idea.
As soon as the last frame had been captured, Reita’s legs worked to carry him away from his band mates, if they asked a reason he’d just say he wasn’t feeling all that well. Luckily the others headed over to the monitors to check out the pictures they had just taken, no one noticed as Reita made a surreptitious walk towards the dressing room.
And as Reita dressed back into normal street wear, his mind surely hadn’t been distanced from Ruki. In fact it was as if Ruki was the glue holding his brain together, Reita didn’t even realize that the man was all he was thinking about. It resulted in his shirt being put on backwards and he almost walked out without noticing it. This was only the beginning of the bassists ‘plan to strengthen’ and it already was hinting that it would either fail of result into something bad.
But yet, when Reita walked out of the dressing room, no had seemed to notice that he had disappeared, no ‘where’s our bassists’ or ‘where’s Reita’ leaving their lips. Just blankly staring at the screen as the photographer clicked through pictures. And for some reason, that ticked him off too. Lack of attention towards him. Rejection. He sure as hell needed time away. Maybe from everyone.
☆
Reita should have known better, known that he would have to eat his words. Or in this case, his thoughts. It had been six days since Reita had vowed to back off his advances onto Ruki and it was eating him from the inside out and clawing at his heart to just give in and go groveling back. He had only spoken one full sentence to the vocalist throughout those six days. And they had met every day except for one to deal with the band and schedules and such. And that one full sentence was a groggy ‘Good morning’.
The whole sadistic part of Reita wanting to make Ruki realize how horrible it was without him had worn off almost too quickly. And it left Reita feeling like he was just some desperate being. He had managed to keep his distance though, trying not to overstep any boundaries. How, he really wasn’t sure. His will power was even starting to surprise him.
Today was an off day luckily. No contact with Ruki, but that didn’t cross over into his mind. The blonde sat slumped in a wooden chair that matched a wooden table he normally used to eat on. The sun was glimmering through the windows that were positioned in front of the table.
It was almost nine in the morning, though to Reita it still felt like time that he should be using to sleep. One would only have to look at him once to realize that he wasn’t sleeping properly. Reita hadn’t even bothered changing out of his pajamas this morning like he normally did, feeling to weighed down to do anything. So he sat there with his chin propped up in his hands looking out the window in his blue flannel pants and long-sleeved, button up shirt*. It was oddly cozy though. His hair felt truly clean without any products in it and not propped up into feathered ends or Mohawks, not to mention both of his eyes could actually see for once.
His dark pools of eyes weren’t really looking much at anything, rather just finding a spot to start wondering off in thought. It’s peaceful… was all that came to mind. The bassist was admiring the scenery outside, the nice blue sky with clouds lazily making their journey around the blue canvas etched in the suns growing light and a few birds dashed their way across Reita’s vision. The second story had a few perks; this view was quite soothing to the soul.
It was times like this when Reita slipped back into Akira. When the band seemed like a dream that he was having back in high school and when problems he would have to deal with would only be something pertaining to normal work problems. Not release dates, not tour dates, maybe a ‘Peggy can’t come in today, we need you to stay later’ or ‘You aren’t getting that bonus we promised.’
No problems with Ruki only Takanori.
Akira sighed, dreaming about having those kinds of problems right now. It wasn’t that he didn’t love the band to death or unhappy that he chose that life style, more like just wondering what would happen if that was what his life was like. Would he working in a bakery shop like he had told people in interviews where he would have worked without the band? But why would he when he really thought about it. He couldn’t cook for anything; boiling water seemed to be a major task at times.
Reita continued to blissfully stare out the glass thinking about it back when he was still in high school, about some of his old friends and classes and reminiscing on memories that brought a smile to his lips. Seconds ticked by and they brought minutes to go by and those brought half an hour to an hour as Akira stared out the window.
☆
Time had slipped by faster than the bassist could have imagined. And the only reason he had been shaken out of his trance of memories was that his stomach started to demand attention for food loudly. So Akira snuck back into the corners of his mind as Reita started to take back over and fix himself some lunch (after realizing it was much to late for breakfast). The way he was thinking made him feel like he was suffering from multiple personalities. Great, that was all he needed right now.
Ruki came back too.
But for some reason, Reita felt a little relieved having the time off he did from that subject matter, and some of his memories had made him laugh out to no one and smile. Even as his relationship came back into light it didn’t feel like that same gnawing problem and he certainly didn’t feel as bad about his plan as he did only and hour or two ago. And Reita realized, time away can definitely be a good thing.
Nothing sounded good to him, food wise, could he just have someone make something for him? Taking the lazy (and less likely to make a mess) way out, the bassists took out some leftover noodles out the freezer. Oh how horribly unappetizing did they look all massed together and frozen with little chunks of ice imbedded into the pile of noodles.
Nevertheless, it was better than nothing. Not caring about quality, Reita popped the container in the microwave, slipping back into automatic mode as he pushed buttons to make the machine operate. And as his interest in food waned, he turned his focus back out onto the beautiful canvas of the sky close by.
Maybe the lazy clouds that were still voyaging along the sky could take him away with them. And he could just sail on clouds all his days watching over the city, maybe even Ruki too.
Authors Note
Gazette is coming out with a new album O.O (Alice = fucking elated)
This chapter is a little short…I know…but next chapter I have A LOT to write about… A LOT XD. Hints? Nope =D Let’s just say we will reach a new turning point! Oh I have only begun to do bad things! (I loved all of your comments saying, ‘They need to talk! Make them talk) Dear audience, oh no, all the stops will be pulled out for angst! XD
*- Yes I have read that article where they asked, ‘What do you sleep in?’ question to the members…and I know that Reita said boxers but…I have this fixed image of how he wakes up for some reason XD. *bites tongue to keep from going into details* Besides…I just think he’s look cute in that kind of outfit with his hair all down and clean and…*bites tongue again*
Next Chapter
Author: xkotakux
Band/Pairing: the GazettE // Reita x Ruki
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Cursing
Summary: Keeping secrets from their band mates had almost been a thrill to both of them, finding it sinfully good to sneak away during break in practice to kiss. But then, keeping it from the others got complicated, releasing new material, going to interviews/photo shoots, and performing lives didn’t always leave room for the couple to have alone time. And Ruki found himself questioning if this relationship really had love centered in it.
Comment: Please comment dearies~ =3
Prologue
Chapter 1 - Decline
Chapter 2 - The Judge
Chapter 3 - Guilt
Chapter 4 - Decisions
A pendulum swung lazily inside its glass casing of its grandfather clock. Groaning with each swing as a cry outward that the gears inside would give out soon. After all, nothing lasted forever. Aside the gentle ticking or the clock’s hands and the pendulum’s sighs, the living space surrounding the object was quiet, save for the noise that was accumulating outside. Night life seemed to drip late into the hours for some people.
However, the peace inside the apartment was soon disturbed as the jiggle of the doorknob echoed off the walls. Whoever was trying to get inside was taking their sweet time. The refrigerator produced a clacking sound from inside, signaling that ice was being made, it seemed that the sleepy pad was about to come to life.
Another click from the doorknob and the door itself was pushed open. Into the darkened pad went Reita who fumbled his fingers against the wall in search of the light switch, he was surprised when he actually had to try and locate it instead of hitting it automatically which was pure routine.
Once he had finally switched the switch on, light flooded into the small space of the apartment, the bassist covered his eyes in protest to the optimistic light. It hurt to come from outside which was so dark; it was as if a blanket has just been yanked off of him.
Feet paddling onto the wooden floor below, Reita made his way over to the recliner, ignoring the green, worn couch that was tucked up against the opposing wall. It was times like this that Reita would seek the comfort of his black leather recliner that was placed in the corner of the room. It allowed him to survey the whole of his living room (and kitchen since it was located so close to it, that’s what one gets for taking an apartment. However the bedroom was tucked off into another room, completely out of site) while having a little extra comfort.
Reita wouldn’t even entertain the idea to try and watch television; after all, the television was to the left of his recliner, he wouldn’t be able to see anything. (The one bad thing about the recliner.) He sat there with sadness painted into his eyes and anger dotting his lips. He felt like a tornado was running around his emotions, laughing as everything went up and down, dancing around while Reita tried to grab hold of one of them.
It hurt to walk out that door, out of Ruki’s apartment, out of sight and maybe mind of Ruki. It hurt to come home to an empty house when feelings feel like they’ve been on a whirlwind for far too long. But most of all, it hurt to come home without Ruki.
Bitter, frustrated, and exhausted, Reita rubbed his temples trying to regain some peace inside his thought-twisted brain, but the annoying hum of the clock that was situated next to the couch was trying to call upon him. Trying to ignore the sound, Reita pressed his fingers harder against his temples, he should have known better though as it only made them hurt more.
With an angry scowl, Reita jumped up and looked to the two long strides over to his (as he called it) ‘little perk’ of the place. Though it was small, it was one of those extra things one receives when they managed to rent an apartment on the second story, a tiny balcony. Thrusting open the door leading to the suspended concrete slab, Reita heard the clock moan once more before he shut the door with a little too much force.
The gray concrete was cold against his bare feet and the night chill that was starting to settle in didn’t help the rest of his body that was now freed of his jacket. But he didn’t really feel it; the only think he knew for sure he was feeling was confusion, sadness, and frustration.
“What the hell did I do, huh?” Reita muttered out into the night wind. He didn’t even look to see if any neighbors were out on there balconies or anyone below, and frankly, he didn’t give a shit if anyone heard him talk to himself. “What the hell did I do, huh!?” The bassist slammed his fist down on the railing, a sharp crack pierced the once silence of the night. The wood of the railing was old, paint chipping, and Reita had just added another battle scar to it. “Fuck!” As he picked his hands back up, he felt the taunting pain of splinters trying to bury themselves into his skin and find a new home. It was just another annoying piece of pain, another insult to injury.
As Reita pried out the splinters carefully, though cursing as every little chipped piece abandoned his skin, the bassist felt tears well up in his eyes. Was he that horrible to Ruki? Bitter tears pooled by his eyes and burned with another feeling called jealousy. Jealously that Ruki had so much power over him, so much control over how he was feeling at the moment, what he wanted to do, who he cried for. Perhaps he didn’t want that power, maybe just a taste, surely that couldn’t hurt.
And as the tears made their decent down Reita’s pale cheeks, the gears of new ideas seemed to have been greased by these notions. Click. Click Ideas, bad ones and good once came at him like a strong, heavy wave. A new question was now in the front of the line for Reita to entertain.
And what if Ruki did break up with him?
Kill himself? Threaten the vocalist? Cry up a storm and drown everyone? They were all a little crazy (especially the first as Reita saw it) but equally understandable in an odd other worldly sense. But the words ‘what if’ played through his head like a broken record player. What would Ruki do? That seemed like an even greater question.
There was an idea forming though, one that was working itself into a plan, but it was all out of the spite of being rejected so much recently. He knew he shouldn’t, it was the exact opposite of what he was currently trying to accomplish, but it was going to prove something to him. Ruki didn’t want him right now? That was now damn peachy for Reita. Ruki wanted his space. Well, Reita was about to let Ruki have all the space he could have from him.
☆
Fucking idiot… Reita cursed at himself as he stood next to a coolly posed Ruki during their newest Hyena photo shoot.
How could he have forgotten that he was almost always positioned next to Ruki during these kinds of shoots? Elementary indeed. His plan was already backfiring and it hadn’t even been implemented for a full day. But that wasn’t about to stop the determined bassists.
Maybe Reita was being cruel now, the rest of the night he sat up thinking about how Ruki would end up regretting trying to put distance between them in the first place. He felt like he was back in middle school in some stupid argument rather than in a relationship that was losing its pieces.
But nevertheless, the gears in his head kept turning and as they spun, this seemed like a better and better idea.
As soon as the last frame had been captured, Reita’s legs worked to carry him away from his band mates, if they asked a reason he’d just say he wasn’t feeling all that well. Luckily the others headed over to the monitors to check out the pictures they had just taken, no one noticed as Reita made a surreptitious walk towards the dressing room.
And as Reita dressed back into normal street wear, his mind surely hadn’t been distanced from Ruki. In fact it was as if Ruki was the glue holding his brain together, Reita didn’t even realize that the man was all he was thinking about. It resulted in his shirt being put on backwards and he almost walked out without noticing it. This was only the beginning of the bassists ‘plan to strengthen’ and it already was hinting that it would either fail of result into something bad.
But yet, when Reita walked out of the dressing room, no had seemed to notice that he had disappeared, no ‘where’s our bassists’ or ‘where’s Reita’ leaving their lips. Just blankly staring at the screen as the photographer clicked through pictures. And for some reason, that ticked him off too. Lack of attention towards him. Rejection. He sure as hell needed time away. Maybe from everyone.
☆
Reita should have known better, known that he would have to eat his words. Or in this case, his thoughts. It had been six days since Reita had vowed to back off his advances onto Ruki and it was eating him from the inside out and clawing at his heart to just give in and go groveling back. He had only spoken one full sentence to the vocalist throughout those six days. And they had met every day except for one to deal with the band and schedules and such. And that one full sentence was a groggy ‘Good morning’.
The whole sadistic part of Reita wanting to make Ruki realize how horrible it was without him had worn off almost too quickly. And it left Reita feeling like he was just some desperate being. He had managed to keep his distance though, trying not to overstep any boundaries. How, he really wasn’t sure. His will power was even starting to surprise him.
Today was an off day luckily. No contact with Ruki, but that didn’t cross over into his mind. The blonde sat slumped in a wooden chair that matched a wooden table he normally used to eat on. The sun was glimmering through the windows that were positioned in front of the table.
It was almost nine in the morning, though to Reita it still felt like time that he should be using to sleep. One would only have to look at him once to realize that he wasn’t sleeping properly. Reita hadn’t even bothered changing out of his pajamas this morning like he normally did, feeling to weighed down to do anything. So he sat there with his chin propped up in his hands looking out the window in his blue flannel pants and long-sleeved, button up shirt*. It was oddly cozy though. His hair felt truly clean without any products in it and not propped up into feathered ends or Mohawks, not to mention both of his eyes could actually see for once.
His dark pools of eyes weren’t really looking much at anything, rather just finding a spot to start wondering off in thought. It’s peaceful… was all that came to mind. The bassist was admiring the scenery outside, the nice blue sky with clouds lazily making their journey around the blue canvas etched in the suns growing light and a few birds dashed their way across Reita’s vision. The second story had a few perks; this view was quite soothing to the soul.
It was times like this when Reita slipped back into Akira. When the band seemed like a dream that he was having back in high school and when problems he would have to deal with would only be something pertaining to normal work problems. Not release dates, not tour dates, maybe a ‘Peggy can’t come in today, we need you to stay later’ or ‘You aren’t getting that bonus we promised.’
No problems with Ruki only Takanori.
Akira sighed, dreaming about having those kinds of problems right now. It wasn’t that he didn’t love the band to death or unhappy that he chose that life style, more like just wondering what would happen if that was what his life was like. Would he working in a bakery shop like he had told people in interviews where he would have worked without the band? But why would he when he really thought about it. He couldn’t cook for anything; boiling water seemed to be a major task at times.
Reita continued to blissfully stare out the glass thinking about it back when he was still in high school, about some of his old friends and classes and reminiscing on memories that brought a smile to his lips. Seconds ticked by and they brought minutes to go by and those brought half an hour to an hour as Akira stared out the window.
☆
Time had slipped by faster than the bassist could have imagined. And the only reason he had been shaken out of his trance of memories was that his stomach started to demand attention for food loudly. So Akira snuck back into the corners of his mind as Reita started to take back over and fix himself some lunch (after realizing it was much to late for breakfast). The way he was thinking made him feel like he was suffering from multiple personalities. Great, that was all he needed right now.
Ruki came back too.
But for some reason, Reita felt a little relieved having the time off he did from that subject matter, and some of his memories had made him laugh out to no one and smile. Even as his relationship came back into light it didn’t feel like that same gnawing problem and he certainly didn’t feel as bad about his plan as he did only and hour or two ago. And Reita realized, time away can definitely be a good thing.
Nothing sounded good to him, food wise, could he just have someone make something for him? Taking the lazy (and less likely to make a mess) way out, the bassists took out some leftover noodles out the freezer. Oh how horribly unappetizing did they look all massed together and frozen with little chunks of ice imbedded into the pile of noodles.
Nevertheless, it was better than nothing. Not caring about quality, Reita popped the container in the microwave, slipping back into automatic mode as he pushed buttons to make the machine operate. And as his interest in food waned, he turned his focus back out onto the beautiful canvas of the sky close by.
Maybe the lazy clouds that were still voyaging along the sky could take him away with them. And he could just sail on clouds all his days watching over the city, maybe even Ruki too.
Authors Note
Gazette is coming out with a new album O.O (Alice = fucking elated)
This chapter is a little short…I know…but next chapter I have A LOT to write about… A LOT XD. Hints? Nope =D Let’s just say we will reach a new turning point! Oh I have only begun to do bad things! (I loved all of your comments saying, ‘They need to talk! Make them talk) Dear audience, oh no, all the stops will be pulled out for angst! XD
*- Yes I have read that article where they asked, ‘What do you sleep in?’ question to the members…and I know that Reita said boxers but…I have this fixed image of how he wakes up for some reason XD. *bites tongue to keep from going into details* Besides…I just think he’s look cute in that kind of outfit with his hair all down and clean and…*bites tongue again*
Next Chapter