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November 7, 2004 • Sunday
12:02 PM - Changes
Current mood: discontent
So many things have changed in my life in the past year, and I feel so different I'm not sure who I am anymore. My heart seems to be broken all the time, my friends are almost always falling apart, and my family, I don't even know where to start with my family. I wish that things would go back to the way they were about a year and a half ago. I would lose a lot of good memories, but I don't think that I would be confused anymore, or I would hurt this much. I feel like I'm ranting, but I just wanna lay everything out on the table.
First off, I lost my best friend. I haven't even talked to her in two weeks. I haven't even really hung out with her for about five or six months. She was my first girl best friend. We were always together, and It helped that our moms were best friends. We would plan our lives out and it would always include each other. Never would we have thought it would end up like this. I know she hates me know, and I know why. I feel like a horrible friend. *sigh* we used to laugh for no reason at the same time. I miss her more then you know. And I know for a fact that things will never be the same. Shes moved on to different friends, and its weird because it seems like I know nothing about her now. Like shes not the Amy that I knew. I miss the me that I was when I was around her. When we were 11 we made a little book that we signed saying that we would be best friends no matter what, and in it the book said that we live right next to each other in Cali after we were finished with school. And we would grow old together with our husbands, and end up on our front porches knitting together and teaching all the kids how to head bang. I can never get that back. never.
Second, I'm gonna be come a nun, or a monk. They don't have to deal with heart breaks and shitty love. No one really understands why it hurts so much. I'm not even sure that I do. I wanna tell him how I feel, but her, she... she has him now. So I wish them the best of luck.
Third, I'm destroying my bond that I have with my family. I was lucky that I had such closeness with my whole family, and now I have gone and fucked it up. I let down my parents and my brothers. I'm pretty sure that I lost my parents trust as well. I can't even talk to my mother about everything anymore. They know all the shit that I do, they just ignore it, or pretend to be mad. I've lost them, and know I want them back as well. And my brother Clayton, he is dissapointed in me as well. I can't stand it. And my other brother Nathan is all the way in cali and I miss him, I need him. He makes everything better. He always pulls our family back together, everyone is happy when he is here. So, I guess I'm losing my family as well.
Fourth, I wanna drop out of school and get my GED. I don't get decent grades anymore. I ditch, and I know I shouldn't. I'm lost without newspaper. I hate everyone there. I'm not doing what I wanna do at utec as well. School has fucked up my friends. They make you take useless classes. And I'm just sick of it.
Fifth, the four of us girls is no longer four. And I feel its all of our faults. We let boys get between us. Like my brother said, friends will always be there, boys won't. No matter what. So to those girls, what have we done? Why did we let it get this far. To the point that we can no longer fix it. We have back stabbed each other in so many ways, it hurts to even think about it. We've lost each other for good. I wanna fix it, I wanna mend it. But there is no way I can if you girls don't help. You have to realise that what we had is a lot better then most friends have. I don't wanna do this anymore, I don't wanna chose sides. I know no one is telling me to, but I feels as if its being said underneath the surface. So if you wanna do anything about it, stop being selfish, and start acting like friends.
And to all of you that have changed my life greatly in the best ways possible, I thank you for that. And I'm sorry you have to deal with my ranting. I just need a break so that I can sort through everything going on in my head. I see many trips to moon rock by myself in the near future. Its amazing up there.
Radiohead is.... is just so.... *sigh*.... amazing.
I wanna be the old me.
Emily
Currently listening:
The Bends
By Radiohead
Release date: By 04 April, 1995
4 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
I Believe In Fairies!
dude seriously my past year is almost identical to what you have described, only my brother is stationed in Georgia. But don't worry hun things will either get better, or death will eventually come. so either way it will eventually be over! That sounded bad, i guess thats the 43% emo speaking! Call me if you ever wanna talk, see you thursday!
Posted by I Believe In Fairies! on November 9, 2004 • Tuesday at 10:55 PM - Remove
Jordan is for lovers.
Oh Emilie...I'm sorry you feel this way, because you definately don't deserve to. You're such a nice person and you make me so happy everytime I'm around you just by being the person that you are. Never change, I don't want you to. Once you experience Emilie you NEVER GO BACK! Ahahah, but I really love hanging out with you...I always feel like I'm surrounded with pure goodness. I hope you feel better...
Jords.
Posted by Jordan is for lovers. on November 7, 2004 • Sunday at 5:42 PM - Remove
Tired of Being Your Toy
p.s.s. next weekend? sounds good.and montrose...dear we must go to montrose.sometime soon.
Posted by Tired of Being Your Toy on November 7, 2004 • Sunday at 1:22 PM - Remove
Tired of Being Your Toy
goodness i can relate to this so much.where is this moon rock you speak of? and would you mind if maybe i joined you once or twice so we can just sit in silence and know that someone is there? haha.i'm falling apart as is everyone these days.but i want to pick all my pieces back up.
p.s. radiohead is amazing.
Posted by Tired of Being Your Toy on November 7, 2004 • Sunday at 1:19 PM - Remove
November 4, 2004 • Thursday
4:10 PM - Freakin-A
Current mood: grumpy
*sigh*
Today was fucked for me and I'm pissed. Bad days just suck. seriously. I'm sick of them. but today was overly bad. and I have a feeling that this weekend is going to suck as well. I need one good weekend. one good day. so many thing are running through my head right now, I wanna let them out. but I don't think you want to read a bunch of ranting. this is time in my life where I need someone to be there for me. a guy that will take all the stress and pain away the minute i see him, not add more. a guy that I can spill my heart out to. a guy would just like to lay together completly silent, our breath movements matching. thats what I need, not just what I want. but you know love hates me. seriously. so I'm hopping today will get better (though I know for a fact that it won't, and Im not just being a pessimist) *sigh* I want someone to save me.
ps I did see Daniel D. today. Maybe he can fall madly in love with me... I doubt it. *sigh*, oh and today is my brothers 21st birthday.
Currently listening:
Everyone Here Is Wrong
By Working Title
Release date: By 27 January, 2004
4 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Tired of Being Your Toy
so i'm thinking that road trip to montrose is sounding better and better.call me sometime.270.0028.
Posted by Tired of Being Your Toy on November 6, 2004 • Saturday at 1:12 PM - Remove
I Won't Tell 'em Your Name
hey u, listen to xtina and jessi, they're right. As much as having a significant other feels good, nothing will ever be better then being with your best friends. It is fun to meet someone that you click with, but it's mostly just fun in the begining and then it almost turns into a chore. Your best friends are always there though, in thick and thin, and you can always rely on them to make things better. The same with family, even though i'm a million miles away and i'm busy alot, i still think about you all the time and i want the best for you. When you're down i'm here no matter what(even though my phone is off right now, hehe, i'm a loser). Like xtina said though, don't weigh the bad days and good days, the best part about having days is that they end and the next can be new and fresh and better. I've found that if you just try to be as positive about things as much as you can, life is a hell of alot more fun. The bad things start to disappear and you forget about them. Take this time in your life to love your friends and you'll never regret that. You're a blessed girl to have as good of friends as you have so enjoy that as much as you can. The guys will come later, besides most guys are morons, i'm a guy and i still feel that way. So don't be down, and make it a mission to have fun this weekend no matter what. luv ya and i'll talk to u more soon.
big bruva
Posted by I Won't Tell 'em Your Name on November 5, 2004 • Friday at 2:02 PM - Remove
♥ KEEP THE NOISE LOW....
if this weekend isn't good, next one will be for sure...and the three of us girls shouldn't depend on guys for our happiness....that's what the movies teach us....you have jessie and i....friends are our white nights not boys....none of them know how to ride horses! zach and i have been talking, and like, i don't know it's hard to explain...i still don't understand it fully...but you shouldn't weigh the good and the bad days....just take them for what they are....what is going to happen is going to happen, don't strive for happiness, because then it becomes materialistic.....and we don't want happiness to become a vanity...i guess what i'm trying to say is....you have jessie and i if you ever need someone, i know having a guy would help things alot, but boys don't know how to be there for somone, the vast majority of them just think with their dicks...so it's hard to find a good one, and when you think you have and they let you down, it's even harder to deal with...look at the mitch situation....and all the others....i think the latest is going to end the same...just not to the extent...but, just remember i will always be here for you...if you need someone to talk to, i wouldn't suggest calling my house, but you can always come over and kidnap me...you know which window is mine.....the weekend we have the house to ourselves will be good for sure...and don't have the mindset of this week sucking, it will be good...we'll make it good...we're going to the movies, and then you're going to montrose to party with the boys...you'll have a blast...and then we're knitting and making cookies....it'll be fun....we just have to save ourselves from the black bottomless pit that we're in...maybe we'll catch a branch and will be able to hold on until help comes...people are falling down it all the time....they need us just as much as we need them.....things are bound to look up....
<3christina
Posted by ♥ KEEP THE NOISE LOW.... on November 4, 2004 • Thursday at 11:15 PM - Remove
Wait.
standing on the edge of morning
scent of sex and new found glory
playing as she's pulling back her hair
she drives away
she's feeling worthless
used again but nothing's different
she stayed the night
but knows he doesn't care
home by three
deafening quiet
the porch light's off
yes they forgot it
she cried herself to sleep
but she don't dare
then she wants to be a model
she wants to hear she's beautiful
she's beautiful
i want to save you
i want to save you
i need you
save me too
i want to save you
dressed by dawn and out the door
no light
she memorized the floor
so she could leave without being detected
she works till three
it's uniform
she dreams that he'll come by the store
she prays for days
the boys mean she's protected
and she wants someone to see her
she needs to hear she's beautiful
she's beautiful
i want to save you
i want to save you
i need you
save me too
i want to save you
and she won't sleep
she won't sleep
and she won't sleep
at all
i want to save you
i want to save you
i need you
save me too
i want to save you
(let me save you)
i want to save you
(let me save you)
i want to save you
(let me save you)
i want to save you
October 26, 2004 • Tuesday
8:44 PM - He
Current mood: In a love/hate relationship
The first thing I ever knew about him was a lie. His lips curl when he’s talking about the “Q”. his middle name is “Q” he says.
but it’s not. He’s regular. He’s normal just like me. But His lips still curl when he is hoping he isn’t caught.
Except he always is.
He reminds me of the anecdote about the lab rat who chose the intense pleasure button over the food button. He probably starved to death.
But I’m sure he’s reliving the glory days up in rat heaven.
I call him up to tell him to build me a model scale version of San Francisco because I have a great idea for a disaster.
He must be on the internet because the phone just keeps ringing. Right now I want to shoot every single fucking employee at AOL.
Liar.
I hate how I can’t stop thinking about the liar.
Freud says love is the sublimation of sexual impulses.
I say we are all lab rats. And consider this a failed experiment.
He says we sublimate our sexual desires to make them palatable to society.
This is what love is.
I say this must be a clinical trial.
And I am the control.
He is the “Stockholm Effect”- you know back in the seventies when victims fell in love with their kidnappers.
Yeah. He’s mostly like that.
He is the middle parts of Great Expectations. You know right before things go really wrong for Pip (and This wouldn’t be my story if I weren’t Pip).
God, I love victim culture.
Our extinction is a Hallmark card away.
He later suggests that in order to love someone else one must love themselves. A classic “needs before other needs” argument.
Unfortunately, no one really loves themselves. And if they do, they need to get to know themselves better. Unfortunately, no one is really happy. So, let’s be unhappy together.
I call him up to tell him to build a mini version of San Jose for me to devastate.
His roommate tells me he is on the phone long-distance with his aunt.
I want to kill every member of his extended family.
Phenylethylamine, the chemical responsible for the swooning and feelings of adoration, is structurally similar to cocaine. Most people choose cocaine over love when given the chance.
I wouldn’t say that’s a bad choice.
The endorphins released during infatuation are similar to heroin; only they don’t make you skinny and pale. Oxytocin, “the cuddling hormone” most often found in new mothers and newlyweds, are like ecstasy- every touch feels a bit tinglier.
Love exists in a bottle. In a syringe. I want mine diluted with water.
Most people would choose gambling over love when given the chance. We are the rat.
Most people choose pornography over love when given the chance. We are the cave-man.
Hallmark cards and boxes of Fanny-May chocolates will save humanity.
It’s all in the marketing. I call him up to go over the blue prints for a miniature Atlanta because I crave catastrophe.
His answering machine picks up. Right now I hate his voice.
It reminds me of how much I think about him.
He is the fraud. The faker. I can’t stop thinking about him.
I miss his lips curling with those lies.
I miss his body- See, he has a body that will go to the pornstar retirement home in his golden years..
to my favorite liar: you were always/never just a line in a song.
October 15, 2004 • Friday
11:10 PM - Breathe
Current mood: content
All to often we forget about the good things that happen to us. We are so focused on the bad things and they try and take over our lives because of that. I say just fuck the bad things and the people who create drama or shit like that. Take time to look at everything and everyone amazing. Forget about partying for one second to look up at the stars. Stop freaking out about boys and how dumb they are and breath one big breath then smile. The stars are so much more important to me right now the boy bullshit. They seem just so perfect and amazing. I'd kill to be a star. From now on I am just going to let everything fall into place. No plans, no worries. Never ever forget the people who actually care about you... don't push then back into a corner. There is a reason they are there. I hate the fact that people forget about their real friends just because some lame ass ones don't really give a shit about them. I'm so majorly in love with the stars right now, I'd freeze to death for them. Maybe its because the stars are always there for me when no one else is. So the best advice I can give anyone at this moment is fuck anyone who doesn't care about you and trys to bring you down. If you mean nothing to them, then why should we even bother to give one ounce of our lives to them. Look at the stars more often...and watch the sunrise every chance you get. It means the start of something new. It's mother nature's way of saying you have another day to make life so amazing...so live it to the fullest.
October 11, 2004 • Monday
10:20 PM - Everything in my head.
Current mood: Sick and Pissed Off
I'm not sure if you really want to read this, cuz I feel like ranting about everything that either pisses me off or makes my knees weak...so here goes...
For one, I'm sick of hypocrites. I'm gonna be brutally honest here, but my friends are back stabbers. You talk shit about one another to much, and that is what creates all the drama. If you are honest and STOP LYING then everything would be somewhat better. So here is me being honest...friends don't desert their other friends so that they can leave to lunch early, I'm sorry, but what are friends for. And if your so annoyed with one of us then just tell us instead of putting on a fucking face. No wonder I never hung out with girls before highschool. When I hear you say something behind someone elses back, I wonder about all the stuff you say about me behind my back. God I feel like a bitch....BUT YOU ARE A FUCKING FAKE. Now I might regret saying that, but I'm in a bad mood and I have had it with this fucking bull shit. AHHHHHHHH.....do you know the what the funny thing is...the people this is for never read my blogs...so who the fuck cares.
Now I have some things to say to people:
Christina...You are the only one who seems to care about all of us girls not matter what. I'm sorry if I have ever made fun of you for being a girl, or anything like that. Real friends support their friends differences.
Andrew...you are the coolest guy I know and you deserve better. Or at least someone who cares about you as much as you care about them.
Jessie...thank you for everything and I'm sorry if this made you mad in anyway. Don't every forget me...
Andy...even though you are younger, it seems to me that you are the most mature guy that I have met in a while.
Nathan...I miss you sooooo much...I'm dying here at home! I feel stuck, and I have this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that I will be here forever. I would give anything to go out there to California, anything.
Jordan...seriously one of the coolest girls I have ever hung out with. Don't let any one tell you different.
Dom...I'm sorry that we haven't been able to hang out much. I miss the days that we used to laugh so hard that our stomachs would hurt for the next week or so. I miss seeing you in EVERY single class that I had. And the nights we would go to Chilis just to see a boy, then go to shows...I'm sorry.
Everyone else I love you...I swear that I will never try and hurt you. And if I ever did, I promise I didn't mean it.
So I am going to be open to anything you have to say to me that has been hurting you or pissing you off that I have done. I won't get mad, I will just try and work things out, or make things better. But from now on I am going to be honest with everyone. I'm sick of people talking shit behind others backs. It shows really how mature people are. And just so you know, you most likely won't even remember me in 10 or 15 years. People tend not to notice me.
I'm in like with a boy as well. Only I guess the feeling is not mutual.
Honesty is the best policy.
Oh and why is it so freakin' cold, and there is not a blanket to be found.
Love Emilie
October 10, 2004 • Sunday
3:05 PM - Not so hot...
Current mood: aggravated
I'm am sick of guys wearing girls pants and guys wearing make up...its not hot anymore. When you wear the same pants and use the same mascara it makes me feel a little odd...like I would be dating another girl. And another reason its not so hot is because girls pants have no crotch room hence that we have nothing to store there. But guys that wear girls pants seem to fit everything in done there with out a buldge...hmmm makes you wonder...sure they are some guys that look normal with girls pants, but others...I would rather date a guy that wore normal lose jeans then tight jeans...oooohhh and the freakin emo hair...ITS ALL THE SAME NOW AND EVERY SAD LOST BOY HAS IT!! And its funny when the boy looks in the mirror more often then you...or they spend hours on it, when I just role out of bed and brush it. Pretty soon guys will start wearing dresses and high heels. I want a normal boy who knows what sex they are. A boy whos hair doesn't look better then mine all the time. A boy who is not all stuck up on his image. I think a smart boy is hotter then a pretty emo boy.
OOOOOOO....and I don't even wanna talk about those fucking scene girls...I might be here all day. But I'm not gonna waste my time.
Eveything is all about the fashion now then the music, I want the music back....fuck fashioncore...
Currently listening:
Anadivine
By Anadivine
Release date: By 21 October, 2003
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♥Emily♥
Sorry to the really cool guys that wear tight girl pants that read this... I was really just ranting about one guy...
Posted by ♥Emily♥ on October 15, 2004 • Friday at 12:51 AM - Remove
XLoversLeftBleedingX
I rock the girls jeans sometimes. I've worn guys jeans with less crotch room in them than some pairs of girl jeans. Baggy jeans suck ass.
Posted by XLoversLeftBleedingX on October 14, 2004 • Thursday at 9:03 PM - Remove
Hallucinogenic Toreador
I have troubles NOT being disgustingly skinny. I would be bigger if it were possible.
Posted by Hallucinogenic Toreador on October 10, 2004 • Sunday at 9:15 PM - Remove
Jordan is for lovers.
...You like boys that LOOK like BOYS?! Perv...
Naw, on an all serious note, I completely agree. It was alright for a while, but only because it was different...but considering everyone does it, it's just plain obnoxious.
Plus, what's up with boys being so hardcore that they have to be skinnier than most girls? A boyfriend skinnier than me? No thank you...
Did you notice that all 'hardcore' kids try to be vegetarians or veagans...hm.
Posted by Jordan is for lovers. on October 10, 2004 • Sunday at 5:19 PM - Remove
Hallucinogenic Toreador
By the way this is Andy. I changed EVERYTHING on MySpace.
Posted by Hallucinogenic Toreador on October 10, 2004 • Sunday at 4:30 PM - Remove
Hallucinogenic Toreador
Wow I guess I kind of fit that stereotype to an extent. That sucks...
Although my hair is not pretty. It is more like a rat's nest or something of that sort most of the time.
And I don't wear make up unless I am forced to. THAT WAS A BAD EXPERIENCE. NEVER AGAIN.
I think fashion is alright as long as you have the brains to back it up.
September 12, 2004 • Sunday
12:11 PM - I will be happy when I'm breathing water
There is nothing to it
my body has no feeling
you leave me with harsh words
music is my only hope now
I can't stand to see you cry
I can't stand to see you fuck things up
I'm sorry, I really am, but I've lost it
You have no clue what you mean to me
I'd rather die then go on with this life
If you can save me hurry fast
The doors are closing in on me
I'm strangled by my last hope
The hope that things will get better
But they never will...
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September 11, 2004 • Saturday
12:47 AM - never felt this lonely...
Sittin' here with my Bud Light
Wishin' I had a rad night
Cruised North in a Caddie
But i'm still feelin' saddie
Could this night get any deader
Or do I have to destroy my sweater
You said things were getting better
But all I have is this letter
I want nothing from you now
So let me stop and take a bow
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September 8, 2004 • Wednesday
3:29 PM - Kangaroos and Lolipops
I wish that I was back in kindergarden when all anyone fought about was who had the better crayons or which person got to go down the slide first. When everything still amazed us, when best friends forever really ment forever to us...
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September 4, 2004 • Saturday
9:39 PM - Bon voyage
I am going to sleep for days. By the way you rip me apart...
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August 31, 2004 • Tuesday
10:11 PM - Nothing Feels Good
(I wrote this when I spent a week alone)
I am lying here staring at a large, old book that some how reminds me of pirates and the storys that I was told. Have I gone crazy? If I have will you save me? My pencil is now dieing, so I send my sincerest applogies if you can't read this any longer. But its not as if you will read this, I am a ghost to you. I just so happen to be drunk on my emotions. It smells of sex in this room, only you're not here. I want you to wipe my tears away with your thumb, like in the movies only different. I am letting go of all the emotions. Water in my lungs is no good at all, only when I wanna die but I am not good at suicide. Can you save me now? This is my heart felt goodbye.
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August 19, 2004 • Thursday
1:53 PM - I have lost it, haven't I?
I have lost it, haven't I?
If I haven't then why do you never leave my thoughts.
Your smile is burnt into the back of my mind
You watch the smoke flow outta my mouth, thinking that I'm crazy.
It's you who makes me crazy.
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12:02 PM - Changes
Current mood: discontent
So many things have changed in my life in the past year, and I feel so different I'm not sure who I am anymore. My heart seems to be broken all the time, my friends are almost always falling apart, and my family, I don't even know where to start with my family. I wish that things would go back to the way they were about a year and a half ago. I would lose a lot of good memories, but I don't think that I would be confused anymore, or I would hurt this much. I feel like I'm ranting, but I just wanna lay everything out on the table.
First off, I lost my best friend. I haven't even talked to her in two weeks. I haven't even really hung out with her for about five or six months. She was my first girl best friend. We were always together, and It helped that our moms were best friends. We would plan our lives out and it would always include each other. Never would we have thought it would end up like this. I know she hates me know, and I know why. I feel like a horrible friend. *sigh* we used to laugh for no reason at the same time. I miss her more then you know. And I know for a fact that things will never be the same. Shes moved on to different friends, and its weird because it seems like I know nothing about her now. Like shes not the Amy that I knew. I miss the me that I was when I was around her. When we were 11 we made a little book that we signed saying that we would be best friends no matter what, and in it the book said that we live right next to each other in Cali after we were finished with school. And we would grow old together with our husbands, and end up on our front porches knitting together and teaching all the kids how to head bang. I can never get that back. never.
Second, I'm gonna be come a nun, or a monk. They don't have to deal with heart breaks and shitty love. No one really understands why it hurts so much. I'm not even sure that I do. I wanna tell him how I feel, but her, she... she has him now. So I wish them the best of luck.
Third, I'm destroying my bond that I have with my family. I was lucky that I had such closeness with my whole family, and now I have gone and fucked it up. I let down my parents and my brothers. I'm pretty sure that I lost my parents trust as well. I can't even talk to my mother about everything anymore. They know all the shit that I do, they just ignore it, or pretend to be mad. I've lost them, and know I want them back as well. And my brother Clayton, he is dissapointed in me as well. I can't stand it. And my other brother Nathan is all the way in cali and I miss him, I need him. He makes everything better. He always pulls our family back together, everyone is happy when he is here. So, I guess I'm losing my family as well.
Fourth, I wanna drop out of school and get my GED. I don't get decent grades anymore. I ditch, and I know I shouldn't. I'm lost without newspaper. I hate everyone there. I'm not doing what I wanna do at utec as well. School has fucked up my friends. They make you take useless classes. And I'm just sick of it.
Fifth, the four of us girls is no longer four. And I feel its all of our faults. We let boys get between us. Like my brother said, friends will always be there, boys won't. No matter what. So to those girls, what have we done? Why did we let it get this far. To the point that we can no longer fix it. We have back stabbed each other in so many ways, it hurts to even think about it. We've lost each other for good. I wanna fix it, I wanna mend it. But there is no way I can if you girls don't help. You have to realise that what we had is a lot better then most friends have. I don't wanna do this anymore, I don't wanna chose sides. I know no one is telling me to, but I feels as if its being said underneath the surface. So if you wanna do anything about it, stop being selfish, and start acting like friends.
And to all of you that have changed my life greatly in the best ways possible, I thank you for that. And I'm sorry you have to deal with my ranting. I just need a break so that I can sort through everything going on in my head. I see many trips to moon rock by myself in the near future. Its amazing up there.
Radiohead is.... is just so.... *sigh*.... amazing.
I wanna be the old me.
Emily
Currently listening:
The Bends
By Radiohead
Release date: By 04 April, 1995
4 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
I Believe In Fairies!
dude seriously my past year is almost identical to what you have described, only my brother is stationed in Georgia. But don't worry hun things will either get better, or death will eventually come. so either way it will eventually be over! That sounded bad, i guess thats the 43% emo speaking! Call me if you ever wanna talk, see you thursday!
Posted by I Believe In Fairies! on November 9, 2004 • Tuesday at 10:55 PM - Remove
Jordan is for lovers.
Oh Emilie...I'm sorry you feel this way, because you definately don't deserve to. You're such a nice person and you make me so happy everytime I'm around you just by being the person that you are. Never change, I don't want you to. Once you experience Emilie you NEVER GO BACK! Ahahah, but I really love hanging out with you...I always feel like I'm surrounded with pure goodness. I hope you feel better...
Jords.
Posted by Jordan is for lovers. on November 7, 2004 • Sunday at 5:42 PM - Remove
Tired of Being Your Toy
p.s.s. next weekend? sounds good.and montrose...dear we must go to montrose.sometime soon.
Posted by Tired of Being Your Toy on November 7, 2004 • Sunday at 1:22 PM - Remove
Tired of Being Your Toy
goodness i can relate to this so much.where is this moon rock you speak of? and would you mind if maybe i joined you once or twice so we can just sit in silence and know that someone is there? haha.i'm falling apart as is everyone these days.but i want to pick all my pieces back up.
p.s. radiohead is amazing.
Posted by Tired of Being Your Toy on November 7, 2004 • Sunday at 1:19 PM - Remove
November 4, 2004 • Thursday
4:10 PM - Freakin-A
Current mood: grumpy
*sigh*
Today was fucked for me and I'm pissed. Bad days just suck. seriously. I'm sick of them. but today was overly bad. and I have a feeling that this weekend is going to suck as well. I need one good weekend. one good day. so many thing are running through my head right now, I wanna let them out. but I don't think you want to read a bunch of ranting. this is time in my life where I need someone to be there for me. a guy that will take all the stress and pain away the minute i see him, not add more. a guy that I can spill my heart out to. a guy would just like to lay together completly silent, our breath movements matching. thats what I need, not just what I want. but you know love hates me. seriously. so I'm hopping today will get better (though I know for a fact that it won't, and Im not just being a pessimist) *sigh* I want someone to save me.
ps I did see Daniel D. today. Maybe he can fall madly in love with me... I doubt it. *sigh*, oh and today is my brothers 21st birthday.
Currently listening:
Everyone Here Is Wrong
By Working Title
Release date: By 27 January, 2004
4 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Tired of Being Your Toy
so i'm thinking that road trip to montrose is sounding better and better.call me sometime.270.0028.
Posted by Tired of Being Your Toy on November 6, 2004 • Saturday at 1:12 PM - Remove
I Won't Tell 'em Your Name
hey u, listen to xtina and jessi, they're right. As much as having a significant other feels good, nothing will ever be better then being with your best friends. It is fun to meet someone that you click with, but it's mostly just fun in the begining and then it almost turns into a chore. Your best friends are always there though, in thick and thin, and you can always rely on them to make things better. The same with family, even though i'm a million miles away and i'm busy alot, i still think about you all the time and i want the best for you. When you're down i'm here no matter what(even though my phone is off right now, hehe, i'm a loser). Like xtina said though, don't weigh the bad days and good days, the best part about having days is that they end and the next can be new and fresh and better. I've found that if you just try to be as positive about things as much as you can, life is a hell of alot more fun. The bad things start to disappear and you forget about them. Take this time in your life to love your friends and you'll never regret that. You're a blessed girl to have as good of friends as you have so enjoy that as much as you can. The guys will come later, besides most guys are morons, i'm a guy and i still feel that way. So don't be down, and make it a mission to have fun this weekend no matter what. luv ya and i'll talk to u more soon.
big bruva
Posted by I Won't Tell 'em Your Name on November 5, 2004 • Friday at 2:02 PM - Remove
♥ KEEP THE NOISE LOW....
if this weekend isn't good, next one will be for sure...and the three of us girls shouldn't depend on guys for our happiness....that's what the movies teach us....you have jessie and i....friends are our white nights not boys....none of them know how to ride horses! zach and i have been talking, and like, i don't know it's hard to explain...i still don't understand it fully...but you shouldn't weigh the good and the bad days....just take them for what they are....what is going to happen is going to happen, don't strive for happiness, because then it becomes materialistic.....and we don't want happiness to become a vanity...i guess what i'm trying to say is....you have jessie and i if you ever need someone, i know having a guy would help things alot, but boys don't know how to be there for somone, the vast majority of them just think with their dicks...so it's hard to find a good one, and when you think you have and they let you down, it's even harder to deal with...look at the mitch situation....and all the others....i think the latest is going to end the same...just not to the extent...but, just remember i will always be here for you...if you need someone to talk to, i wouldn't suggest calling my house, but you can always come over and kidnap me...you know which window is mine.....the weekend we have the house to ourselves will be good for sure...and don't have the mindset of this week sucking, it will be good...we'll make it good...we're going to the movies, and then you're going to montrose to party with the boys...you'll have a blast...and then we're knitting and making cookies....it'll be fun....we just have to save ourselves from the black bottomless pit that we're in...maybe we'll catch a branch and will be able to hold on until help comes...people are falling down it all the time....they need us just as much as we need them.....things are bound to look up....
<3christina
Posted by ♥ KEEP THE NOISE LOW.... on November 4, 2004 • Thursday at 11:15 PM - Remove
Wait.
standing on the edge of morning
scent of sex and new found glory
playing as she's pulling back her hair
she drives away
she's feeling worthless
used again but nothing's different
she stayed the night
but knows he doesn't care
home by three
deafening quiet
the porch light's off
yes they forgot it
she cried herself to sleep
but she don't dare
then she wants to be a model
she wants to hear she's beautiful
she's beautiful
i want to save you
i want to save you
i need you
save me too
i want to save you
dressed by dawn and out the door
no light
she memorized the floor
so she could leave without being detected
she works till three
it's uniform
she dreams that he'll come by the store
she prays for days
the boys mean she's protected
and she wants someone to see her
she needs to hear she's beautiful
she's beautiful
i want to save you
i want to save you
i need you
save me too
i want to save you
and she won't sleep
she won't sleep
and she won't sleep
at all
i want to save you
i want to save you
i need you
save me too
i want to save you
(let me save you)
i want to save you
(let me save you)
i want to save you
(let me save you)
i want to save you
October 26, 2004 • Tuesday
8:44 PM - He
Current mood: In a love/hate relationship
The first thing I ever knew about him was a lie. His lips curl when he’s talking about the “Q”. his middle name is “Q” he says.
but it’s not. He’s regular. He’s normal just like me. But His lips still curl when he is hoping he isn’t caught.
Except he always is.
He reminds me of the anecdote about the lab rat who chose the intense pleasure button over the food button. He probably starved to death.
But I’m sure he’s reliving the glory days up in rat heaven.
I call him up to tell him to build me a model scale version of San Francisco because I have a great idea for a disaster.
He must be on the internet because the phone just keeps ringing. Right now I want to shoot every single fucking employee at AOL.
Liar.
I hate how I can’t stop thinking about the liar.
Freud says love is the sublimation of sexual impulses.
I say we are all lab rats. And consider this a failed experiment.
He says we sublimate our sexual desires to make them palatable to society.
This is what love is.
I say this must be a clinical trial.
And I am the control.
He is the “Stockholm Effect”- you know back in the seventies when victims fell in love with their kidnappers.
Yeah. He’s mostly like that.
He is the middle parts of Great Expectations. You know right before things go really wrong for Pip (and This wouldn’t be my story if I weren’t Pip).
God, I love victim culture.
Our extinction is a Hallmark card away.
He later suggests that in order to love someone else one must love themselves. A classic “needs before other needs” argument.
Unfortunately, no one really loves themselves. And if they do, they need to get to know themselves better. Unfortunately, no one is really happy. So, let’s be unhappy together.
I call him up to tell him to build a mini version of San Jose for me to devastate.
His roommate tells me he is on the phone long-distance with his aunt.
I want to kill every member of his extended family.
Phenylethylamine, the chemical responsible for the swooning and feelings of adoration, is structurally similar to cocaine. Most people choose cocaine over love when given the chance.
I wouldn’t say that’s a bad choice.
The endorphins released during infatuation are similar to heroin; only they don’t make you skinny and pale. Oxytocin, “the cuddling hormone” most often found in new mothers and newlyweds, are like ecstasy- every touch feels a bit tinglier.
Love exists in a bottle. In a syringe. I want mine diluted with water.
Most people would choose gambling over love when given the chance. We are the rat.
Most people choose pornography over love when given the chance. We are the cave-man.
Hallmark cards and boxes of Fanny-May chocolates will save humanity.
It’s all in the marketing. I call him up to go over the blue prints for a miniature Atlanta because I crave catastrophe.
His answering machine picks up. Right now I hate his voice.
It reminds me of how much I think about him.
He is the fraud. The faker. I can’t stop thinking about him.
I miss his lips curling with those lies.
I miss his body- See, he has a body that will go to the pornstar retirement home in his golden years..
to my favorite liar: you were always/never just a line in a song.
October 15, 2004 • Friday
11:10 PM - Breathe
Current mood: content
All to often we forget about the good things that happen to us. We are so focused on the bad things and they try and take over our lives because of that. I say just fuck the bad things and the people who create drama or shit like that. Take time to look at everything and everyone amazing. Forget about partying for one second to look up at the stars. Stop freaking out about boys and how dumb they are and breath one big breath then smile. The stars are so much more important to me right now the boy bullshit. They seem just so perfect and amazing. I'd kill to be a star. From now on I am just going to let everything fall into place. No plans, no worries. Never ever forget the people who actually care about you... don't push then back into a corner. There is a reason they are there. I hate the fact that people forget about their real friends just because some lame ass ones don't really give a shit about them. I'm so majorly in love with the stars right now, I'd freeze to death for them. Maybe its because the stars are always there for me when no one else is. So the best advice I can give anyone at this moment is fuck anyone who doesn't care about you and trys to bring you down. If you mean nothing to them, then why should we even bother to give one ounce of our lives to them. Look at the stars more often...and watch the sunrise every chance you get. It means the start of something new. It's mother nature's way of saying you have another day to make life so amazing...so live it to the fullest.
October 11, 2004 • Monday
10:20 PM - Everything in my head.
Current mood: Sick and Pissed Off
I'm not sure if you really want to read this, cuz I feel like ranting about everything that either pisses me off or makes my knees weak...so here goes...
For one, I'm sick of hypocrites. I'm gonna be brutally honest here, but my friends are back stabbers. You talk shit about one another to much, and that is what creates all the drama. If you are honest and STOP LYING then everything would be somewhat better. So here is me being honest...friends don't desert their other friends so that they can leave to lunch early, I'm sorry, but what are friends for. And if your so annoyed with one of us then just tell us instead of putting on a fucking face. No wonder I never hung out with girls before highschool. When I hear you say something behind someone elses back, I wonder about all the stuff you say about me behind my back. God I feel like a bitch....BUT YOU ARE A FUCKING FAKE. Now I might regret saying that, but I'm in a bad mood and I have had it with this fucking bull shit. AHHHHHHHH.....do you know the what the funny thing is...the people this is for never read my blogs...so who the fuck cares.
Now I have some things to say to people:
Christina...You are the only one who seems to care about all of us girls not matter what. I'm sorry if I have ever made fun of you for being a girl, or anything like that. Real friends support their friends differences.
Andrew...you are the coolest guy I know and you deserve better. Or at least someone who cares about you as much as you care about them.
Jessie...thank you for everything and I'm sorry if this made you mad in anyway. Don't every forget me...
Andy...even though you are younger, it seems to me that you are the most mature guy that I have met in a while.
Nathan...I miss you sooooo much...I'm dying here at home! I feel stuck, and I have this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that I will be here forever. I would give anything to go out there to California, anything.
Jordan...seriously one of the coolest girls I have ever hung out with. Don't let any one tell you different.
Dom...I'm sorry that we haven't been able to hang out much. I miss the days that we used to laugh so hard that our stomachs would hurt for the next week or so. I miss seeing you in EVERY single class that I had. And the nights we would go to Chilis just to see a boy, then go to shows...I'm sorry.
Everyone else I love you...I swear that I will never try and hurt you. And if I ever did, I promise I didn't mean it.
So I am going to be open to anything you have to say to me that has been hurting you or pissing you off that I have done. I won't get mad, I will just try and work things out, or make things better. But from now on I am going to be honest with everyone. I'm sick of people talking shit behind others backs. It shows really how mature people are. And just so you know, you most likely won't even remember me in 10 or 15 years. People tend not to notice me.
I'm in like with a boy as well. Only I guess the feeling is not mutual.
Honesty is the best policy.
Oh and why is it so freakin' cold, and there is not a blanket to be found.
Love Emilie
October 10, 2004 • Sunday
3:05 PM - Not so hot...
Current mood: aggravated
I'm am sick of guys wearing girls pants and guys wearing make up...its not hot anymore. When you wear the same pants and use the same mascara it makes me feel a little odd...like I would be dating another girl. And another reason its not so hot is because girls pants have no crotch room hence that we have nothing to store there. But guys that wear girls pants seem to fit everything in done there with out a buldge...hmmm makes you wonder...sure they are some guys that look normal with girls pants, but others...I would rather date a guy that wore normal lose jeans then tight jeans...oooohhh and the freakin emo hair...ITS ALL THE SAME NOW AND EVERY SAD LOST BOY HAS IT!! And its funny when the boy looks in the mirror more often then you...or they spend hours on it, when I just role out of bed and brush it. Pretty soon guys will start wearing dresses and high heels. I want a normal boy who knows what sex they are. A boy whos hair doesn't look better then mine all the time. A boy who is not all stuck up on his image. I think a smart boy is hotter then a pretty emo boy.
OOOOOOO....and I don't even wanna talk about those fucking scene girls...I might be here all day. But I'm not gonna waste my time.
Eveything is all about the fashion now then the music, I want the music back....fuck fashioncore...
Currently listening:
Anadivine
By Anadivine
Release date: By 21 October, 2003
6 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
♥Emily♥
Sorry to the really cool guys that wear tight girl pants that read this... I was really just ranting about one guy...
Posted by ♥Emily♥ on October 15, 2004 • Friday at 12:51 AM - Remove
XLoversLeftBleedingX
I rock the girls jeans sometimes. I've worn guys jeans with less crotch room in them than some pairs of girl jeans. Baggy jeans suck ass.
Posted by XLoversLeftBleedingX on October 14, 2004 • Thursday at 9:03 PM - Remove
Hallucinogenic Toreador
I have troubles NOT being disgustingly skinny. I would be bigger if it were possible.
Posted by Hallucinogenic Toreador on October 10, 2004 • Sunday at 9:15 PM - Remove
Jordan is for lovers.
...You like boys that LOOK like BOYS?! Perv...
Naw, on an all serious note, I completely agree. It was alright for a while, but only because it was different...but considering everyone does it, it's just plain obnoxious.
Plus, what's up with boys being so hardcore that they have to be skinnier than most girls? A boyfriend skinnier than me? No thank you...
Did you notice that all 'hardcore' kids try to be vegetarians or veagans...hm.
Posted by Jordan is for lovers. on October 10, 2004 • Sunday at 5:19 PM - Remove
Hallucinogenic Toreador
By the way this is Andy. I changed EVERYTHING on MySpace.
Posted by Hallucinogenic Toreador on October 10, 2004 • Sunday at 4:30 PM - Remove
Hallucinogenic Toreador
Wow I guess I kind of fit that stereotype to an extent. That sucks...
Although my hair is not pretty. It is more like a rat's nest or something of that sort most of the time.
And I don't wear make up unless I am forced to. THAT WAS A BAD EXPERIENCE. NEVER AGAIN.
I think fashion is alright as long as you have the brains to back it up.
September 12, 2004 • Sunday
12:11 PM - I will be happy when I'm breathing water
There is nothing to it
my body has no feeling
you leave me with harsh words
music is my only hope now
I can't stand to see you cry
I can't stand to see you fuck things up
I'm sorry, I really am, but I've lost it
You have no clue what you mean to me
I'd rather die then go on with this life
If you can save me hurry fast
The doors are closing in on me
I'm strangled by my last hope
The hope that things will get better
But they never will...
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September 11, 2004 • Saturday
12:47 AM - never felt this lonely...
Sittin' here with my Bud Light
Wishin' I had a rad night
Cruised North in a Caddie
But i'm still feelin' saddie
Could this night get any deader
Or do I have to destroy my sweater
You said things were getting better
But all I have is this letter
I want nothing from you now
So let me stop and take a bow
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September 8, 2004 • Wednesday
3:29 PM - Kangaroos and Lolipops
I wish that I was back in kindergarden when all anyone fought about was who had the better crayons or which person got to go down the slide first. When everything still amazed us, when best friends forever really ment forever to us...
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September 4, 2004 • Saturday
9:39 PM - Bon voyage
I am going to sleep for days. By the way you rip me apart...
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August 31, 2004 • Tuesday
10:11 PM - Nothing Feels Good
(I wrote this when I spent a week alone)
I am lying here staring at a large, old book that some how reminds me of pirates and the storys that I was told. Have I gone crazy? If I have will you save me? My pencil is now dieing, so I send my sincerest applogies if you can't read this any longer. But its not as if you will read this, I am a ghost to you. I just so happen to be drunk on my emotions. It smells of sex in this room, only you're not here. I want you to wipe my tears away with your thumb, like in the movies only different. I am letting go of all the emotions. Water in my lungs is no good at all, only when I wanna die but I am not good at suicide. Can you save me now? This is my heart felt goodbye.
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August 19, 2004 • Thursday
1:53 PM - I have lost it, haven't I?
I have lost it, haven't I?
If I haven't then why do you never leave my thoughts.
Your smile is burnt into the back of my mind
You watch the smoke flow outta my mouth, thinking that I'm crazy.
It's you who makes me crazy.
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