(no subject)
Today ate shit, as did this entire week/life.
1. My car was almost done, I had it in my possession and everything and then the fuck-me thing started to overheat. Back to the mechanic/plastic surgeon you go.
2. I can't help but think I have no friends due to 3 reasons. In no order they are, 1. Liz and everything that happened between us from A to B. 2. My insanity. 3. My job, because unlike most of my friends, I have a REAL job. Last week I almost dove into a ditch trying to be 15 again. IX, I need a job, and this one is half decent, even though after November, I probably wont have it, but at least then I can collect. I just really need friends right now, badly, and I feel as though every bridge...isn't exactly burnt but tainted due to points 1,2 and 3. I am a little girl right now and need to be validated. Am I needed? What a fucking faggot I am sometimes, I need to dive into a blender on puree.
3. I always think about everything I've been through in my life. It's alot worse than most see/believe/think/know. There's alot of shit I've dealt with that no one should ever have to deal with and most of em' never will. I'd love to write a book and give it to my friends/family for further understanding of why I'm me. Today I was thinking about when me and my mom lived in a one room apartment on the shittiest part of pawtucket. It was right about when my mom started to go nuts. We were on welfare, had cockroaches, and I didn't even have my own bedroom(I had to sleep on the couch or with my mom). I was 9. I felt a billion things,abandonment, lonely, poor. At 9 these things are unidentified and only equal anger. I told my dad I wanted him to die. At 9. Until I die, I will always feel my parents could have done a way fucking better job. I was basically cursed at birth to be....this. Lackluster. Talented and smart but unnourished and blind. Not talented or smart enough. Shit, at least during those times, my mom still cooked and got out of bed daily. Now she refuses, because she's "scared".
4. I need to go to fucking school SO bad, but have no idea for what or where or how. This job can not be a career. Deal me different cards.
I need to shut the fuck up. Stupid.
1. My car was almost done, I had it in my possession and everything and then the fuck-me thing started to overheat. Back to the mechanic/plastic surgeon you go.
2. I can't help but think I have no friends due to 3 reasons. In no order they are, 1. Liz and everything that happened between us from A to B. 2. My insanity. 3. My job, because unlike most of my friends, I have a REAL job. Last week I almost dove into a ditch trying to be 15 again. IX, I need a job, and this one is half decent, even though after November, I probably wont have it, but at least then I can collect. I just really need friends right now, badly, and I feel as though every bridge...isn't exactly burnt but tainted due to points 1,2 and 3. I am a little girl right now and need to be validated. Am I needed? What a fucking faggot I am sometimes, I need to dive into a blender on puree.
3. I always think about everything I've been through in my life. It's alot worse than most see/believe/think/know. There's alot of shit I've dealt with that no one should ever have to deal with and most of em' never will. I'd love to write a book and give it to my friends/family for further understanding of why I'm me. Today I was thinking about when me and my mom lived in a one room apartment on the shittiest part of pawtucket. It was right about when my mom started to go nuts. We were on welfare, had cockroaches, and I didn't even have my own bedroom(I had to sleep on the couch or with my mom). I was 9. I felt a billion things,abandonment, lonely, poor. At 9 these things are unidentified and only equal anger. I told my dad I wanted him to die. At 9. Until I die, I will always feel my parents could have done a way fucking better job. I was basically cursed at birth to be....this. Lackluster. Talented and smart but unnourished and blind. Not talented or smart enough. Shit, at least during those times, my mom still cooked and got out of bed daily. Now she refuses, because she's "scared".
4. I need to go to fucking school SO bad, but have no idea for what or where or how. This job can not be a career. Deal me different cards.
I need to shut the fuck up. Stupid.