this past week
has been one of the most stressful and crappy. i had an anxiety attack. hadnt had one in a very long time. now i sit here wondering what i should do? i want to run away but its only from myself. today is kaylens birthday. she is 4. we are going to the zoo. maybe i will get eaten by a polar bear? i quit my job yesterday to prove a point to my boss she begged me to come back and i did but gave her a few weeks to change things between myself and some asshole there. at least i am valued enough that my boss comes chasing after me after i basically say fuck off. that has to mean something. i work my ass off and have nothing to show for it. the bank pays for my college classes. but still. ive gone backwards with my salary. doesnt feel too good. new mexico is a cheap bastard. dogs are sleeping right now. its hotter than hell. but i think i have made my own hell recently. i bought a hat today. and mini farm animals. i miss being completely happy. i hate when i question everything. im doing it again. what am i afraid of? everyone needs to stop getting pregnant. it makes me feeel sort of sad for some reason. yet honestly i dont want kids yet. no way i am so selfish and still growing up. plus i am the type of person that thinks you should get married first or at least know the dad's middle name before you get knocked up. call me crazy. thats what i am right now. i feel alone. im too lazy to be outgoing anymore.