just thoughts
I'm just wading through decisions that affect my future. I'm trying to put my life back together and wondering whether or not I have what it takes to make it. Deep down, I fear that I'm one of those geniuses that can't function on a day to day basis. The thought seems to haunt me and I am scared by both failure and success.
I've been to such great places by the merit of my efforts and my gifts. I've lived such a blessed life, met both great and terrible people. I've been both sides of that coin as well. I feel like I'm just now getting to know who I am. Yet, as I get closer to success I push myself faster towards self-destruction. I recognize that I cannot do this on my own for much longer. I've been reaching out to the people I was once close with, to try and re-establish the ties I've neglected for far too long with far too many people.
A friend of mine recently criticized me for being closed off from the rest of the world. She said I kept the world at a distance and separated myself in situations where other people would normally come together. I didn't want to hear what she was saying at the time. Hearing that truth hurt. It confirms what I've known in the back of my head for a long time now: I've been holding myself back and blaming everything else for doing it.
Skinny told me that I had to learn to embrace who I was, to learn to truly love and appreciate the gifts I've been endowed with. I didn't ask for this mind, and yet I have it and don't use it appropriately. I don't exercise the body I've been granted enough. I abuse it and neglect it, hate it for my own inadequacies.
Even with dark times encroaching, my life is palatable again. I don't have a place to live yet, but I'm safe for now. I have a job that I managed to be fairly successful at. What's better, I have a new opportunity to make money with Mustang & this radio advertising gig through Scott. I can't wait to be making an hourly wage to cover my efforts during the day rather than risking working for free. I really like Lisa but I just can't live a life on unknown income, even if some days it is lucrative. I really, really hope she'll let me freelance for her though. I will be making powerful allies and business contacts for myself and that could work out to make both of us money.
I find myself wrapped in dark thoughts frequently. I feel empty and alone. Rather than feeling bitter I just feel hollowed out. You'd think hollow thoughts would be light and yet, they weigh upon the conscience and my eye sockets in heavy black bags. I feel possessed at times, probably a manifestation of whatever terrible compulsion drove me to ruin my own life in a series of hasty decisions, and that possession makes me feel terribly guilty. I feel like I punish myself by reminding myself of these mistakes but I haven't forgiven myself yet. I need to, I want to, and I know I am in the process of forgiving myself. This whole period in my life is process. The processes I tried to hard to avoid, to neglect, and to ignore.
The truth is, you can't skip ahead in the novel of your own life, each page must be given its due deference. We turn the pages of our lives through our actions, closing chapters, and authoring our own plot twists. I just didn't learn the lesson of permanence early enough in my life I suppose. I made a permanent mistake, it cannot be blotted away, covered back up, or forgotten. It just is and I am changed because of it. Better probably but still different. My life, tattered as it is in my overly-critical eyes, is still a life. For that gift, I am truly blessed.
I miss her. I know I can never have her back.
I've been to such great places by the merit of my efforts and my gifts. I've lived such a blessed life, met both great and terrible people. I've been both sides of that coin as well. I feel like I'm just now getting to know who I am. Yet, as I get closer to success I push myself faster towards self-destruction. I recognize that I cannot do this on my own for much longer. I've been reaching out to the people I was once close with, to try and re-establish the ties I've neglected for far too long with far too many people.
A friend of mine recently criticized me for being closed off from the rest of the world. She said I kept the world at a distance and separated myself in situations where other people would normally come together. I didn't want to hear what she was saying at the time. Hearing that truth hurt. It confirms what I've known in the back of my head for a long time now: I've been holding myself back and blaming everything else for doing it.
Skinny told me that I had to learn to embrace who I was, to learn to truly love and appreciate the gifts I've been endowed with. I didn't ask for this mind, and yet I have it and don't use it appropriately. I don't exercise the body I've been granted enough. I abuse it and neglect it, hate it for my own inadequacies.
Even with dark times encroaching, my life is palatable again. I don't have a place to live yet, but I'm safe for now. I have a job that I managed to be fairly successful at. What's better, I have a new opportunity to make money with Mustang & this radio advertising gig through Scott. I can't wait to be making an hourly wage to cover my efforts during the day rather than risking working for free. I really like Lisa but I just can't live a life on unknown income, even if some days it is lucrative. I really, really hope she'll let me freelance for her though. I will be making powerful allies and business contacts for myself and that could work out to make both of us money.
I find myself wrapped in dark thoughts frequently. I feel empty and alone. Rather than feeling bitter I just feel hollowed out. You'd think hollow thoughts would be light and yet, they weigh upon the conscience and my eye sockets in heavy black bags. I feel possessed at times, probably a manifestation of whatever terrible compulsion drove me to ruin my own life in a series of hasty decisions, and that possession makes me feel terribly guilty. I feel like I punish myself by reminding myself of these mistakes but I haven't forgiven myself yet. I need to, I want to, and I know I am in the process of forgiving myself. This whole period in my life is process. The processes I tried to hard to avoid, to neglect, and to ignore.
The truth is, you can't skip ahead in the novel of your own life, each page must be given its due deference. We turn the pages of our lives through our actions, closing chapters, and authoring our own plot twists. I just didn't learn the lesson of permanence early enough in my life I suppose. I made a permanent mistake, it cannot be blotted away, covered back up, or forgotten. It just is and I am changed because of it. Better probably but still different. My life, tattered as it is in my overly-critical eyes, is still a life. For that gift, I am truly blessed.
I miss her. I know I can never have her back.