The future.
Phi Rho Pi 2005 is over.
The speech season for 04/05 is also over.
My time with Moorpark Forensics is over.
My coaching with Jim, Rolland, Jill, and Karen is over.
I did well at the tournament, ending the tourney as the low cume in impromptu and extemp, as well as being on the highest ranked debate team with kasey. While my CA didn't break, I couldn't really have asked for a better way to close out the season and my career with Moorpark.
I was highly sought after PRP. I had offers from Bradley and Western Kentucky during the tournament. Had I wanted to give up IEs I could have convinced SIU to offer me a scholarship as well. Berry just sent me an email today, but what's the point. I've already decided where I'm headed.
I'll be attending Western Kentucky University next year on a full-ride scholarship. That means my place of residence changes from Ventura county, CA to Bowling Green, KY (that's Kentucky for the uninitiated, not the jelly.) I'm really looking forward to this opportunity. I get to keep competing, on an even higher level now, and this puts me one step closer to becoming a professor. It does mean that nursing is now officially gone. That stepping stone is no longer a necessity. Perhaps later in life I will go into medicine, perhaps not. I will let that path unfold in due time.
I managed to convince WKU that they should send me to WDI, a debate program over the summer in Vermont, and that's going to be very interesting. Sadly, it pushes my date of leave forward by a couple of weeks.
It doesn't matter though, the people I love are always with me, whether they know it or not. In my memories, their best qualities endure long after their bodies fade from my knowledge. When you've moved as much as I have, sometimes those memories are all you have to keep you warm on cold nights.
I originally began this journal to cope with the struggles of being a recovering pothead, to write my thoughts, and to digitize my feelings. It has served me well over this time, even though it has fallen into neglectful disrepair over the last few months. I'll be honest, I haven't wanted to voice my thoughts to anyone that might read my LJ. I think this decision has hurt me more than it has helped. I've learned that sheltering my feelings does nothing to make me feel better, nor does it help me feel secure. If anything, it has undermined the stability I have taken for granted.
I feel like my heart is an unfinished symphony. If I am the conductor then I am understandably frustrated when the strings don't show up for practice, or when the wind section doesn't rehearse its part. For all its blustering, opening my heart has proven a pointless endeavor. As usual, I am embittered by all that has occured and I'm fighting an unwinnable fight. And regardless of how I play the hand from here on out, it's not my decision. It hasn't been in my hands for a very long time, and so I am left to accept what reality is, and take what I can from this experience in the form of knowledge.
Perhaps it is my flaw that I am attracted to a certain type of person. Perhaps deep down I want to save someone, to see them reborn in my love. Perhaps I am just too arrogant to see that this is not my station, and no amount of my care will bring about an unwanted birth. Perhaps I blind myself to this.
If there is a positive to this, it would be that I have always given my all. And that I have never let myself down. I don't know if that sentiment would be reflected from those I have involved myself with, but I don't think I've been a disappointment in my relationships this year. Even at times like this, where I hurt most, I am happy that I am emotionally vulnerable, that I can be so attached even knowing that I will have to leave sooner than later. I take solace in the fact that these people know the same Keyon that I know and love. Being open is a selfish sanctuary. Those around you know how you feel, hear you discuss it, and many times I don't think they appreciate it. It's sort of like someone slapping you in the face with their feelings and putting you on the spot to respond to them. While I understand this isn't a popular way to live, it's how I have chosen to exist. In the long run, I think most of the people I have loved appreciate the honesty involved with my lifestyle, and I'm glad that I am as I am.
The future I have chosen has implications I don't necessarily like much. I am forced to give up certain people that have grown to be major aspects of my life: Eddie, Kasey, Alyssa, just to name a few of the many. Each one of them vital to my happiness in their own respect, each one with a major impact on my life, regardless of whether or not you realize it. If you're reading this, there's a good chance you're one of the people I have to give up. I know, you're thinking why do you have to give up when there's instant messaging, and email, etc? You're right, we can keep in touch, but unless you're one of my life companions, there will come a time when we say little other than "hi, how are you doing?" to one another. It is what it is. While this might sound fatalistic, just remember what I said earlier: I carry all the best memories of each of you with me. To me, you are eternal. You are the ghosts I draw my strength from, my resolve in the moments of doubt, or my sanctuary from the storms.
I've thought on this a long time, and I've meditated on what I will do for the people on the team, and in my life before I leave. My answer: nothing. If we have truly been friends, then you know I have given you everything I can give. If you'd like to talk with me at length, or spend a night at dinner or havea drink with me, I'd be honored and I'd love to. I'm not going to write any sappy letters, no livejournal posts with each person and their contributions to my life, none of that stuff. I'm open enough to know that I've told you all how I feel about having you in my life.
The future is not a happy or sad time. The future is what I will make it, or what you will make of it. I can only hope that you will fill it with moments of life that give you bliss as I plan to.
The speech season for 04/05 is also over.
My time with Moorpark Forensics is over.
My coaching with Jim, Rolland, Jill, and Karen is over.
I did well at the tournament, ending the tourney as the low cume in impromptu and extemp, as well as being on the highest ranked debate team with kasey. While my CA didn't break, I couldn't really have asked for a better way to close out the season and my career with Moorpark.
I was highly sought after PRP. I had offers from Bradley and Western Kentucky during the tournament. Had I wanted to give up IEs I could have convinced SIU to offer me a scholarship as well. Berry just sent me an email today, but what's the point. I've already decided where I'm headed.
I'll be attending Western Kentucky University next year on a full-ride scholarship. That means my place of residence changes from Ventura county, CA to Bowling Green, KY (that's Kentucky for the uninitiated, not the jelly.) I'm really looking forward to this opportunity. I get to keep competing, on an even higher level now, and this puts me one step closer to becoming a professor. It does mean that nursing is now officially gone. That stepping stone is no longer a necessity. Perhaps later in life I will go into medicine, perhaps not. I will let that path unfold in due time.
I managed to convince WKU that they should send me to WDI, a debate program over the summer in Vermont, and that's going to be very interesting. Sadly, it pushes my date of leave forward by a couple of weeks.
It doesn't matter though, the people I love are always with me, whether they know it or not. In my memories, their best qualities endure long after their bodies fade from my knowledge. When you've moved as much as I have, sometimes those memories are all you have to keep you warm on cold nights.
I originally began this journal to cope with the struggles of being a recovering pothead, to write my thoughts, and to digitize my feelings. It has served me well over this time, even though it has fallen into neglectful disrepair over the last few months. I'll be honest, I haven't wanted to voice my thoughts to anyone that might read my LJ. I think this decision has hurt me more than it has helped. I've learned that sheltering my feelings does nothing to make me feel better, nor does it help me feel secure. If anything, it has undermined the stability I have taken for granted.
I feel like my heart is an unfinished symphony. If I am the conductor then I am understandably frustrated when the strings don't show up for practice, or when the wind section doesn't rehearse its part. For all its blustering, opening my heart has proven a pointless endeavor. As usual, I am embittered by all that has occured and I'm fighting an unwinnable fight. And regardless of how I play the hand from here on out, it's not my decision. It hasn't been in my hands for a very long time, and so I am left to accept what reality is, and take what I can from this experience in the form of knowledge.
Perhaps it is my flaw that I am attracted to a certain type of person. Perhaps deep down I want to save someone, to see them reborn in my love. Perhaps I am just too arrogant to see that this is not my station, and no amount of my care will bring about an unwanted birth. Perhaps I blind myself to this.
If there is a positive to this, it would be that I have always given my all. And that I have never let myself down. I don't know if that sentiment would be reflected from those I have involved myself with, but I don't think I've been a disappointment in my relationships this year. Even at times like this, where I hurt most, I am happy that I am emotionally vulnerable, that I can be so attached even knowing that I will have to leave sooner than later. I take solace in the fact that these people know the same Keyon that I know and love. Being open is a selfish sanctuary. Those around you know how you feel, hear you discuss it, and many times I don't think they appreciate it. It's sort of like someone slapping you in the face with their feelings and putting you on the spot to respond to them. While I understand this isn't a popular way to live, it's how I have chosen to exist. In the long run, I think most of the people I have loved appreciate the honesty involved with my lifestyle, and I'm glad that I am as I am.
The future I have chosen has implications I don't necessarily like much. I am forced to give up certain people that have grown to be major aspects of my life: Eddie, Kasey, Alyssa, just to name a few of the many. Each one of them vital to my happiness in their own respect, each one with a major impact on my life, regardless of whether or not you realize it. If you're reading this, there's a good chance you're one of the people I have to give up. I know, you're thinking why do you have to give up when there's instant messaging, and email, etc? You're right, we can keep in touch, but unless you're one of my life companions, there will come a time when we say little other than "hi, how are you doing?" to one another. It is what it is. While this might sound fatalistic, just remember what I said earlier: I carry all the best memories of each of you with me. To me, you are eternal. You are the ghosts I draw my strength from, my resolve in the moments of doubt, or my sanctuary from the storms.
I've thought on this a long time, and I've meditated on what I will do for the people on the team, and in my life before I leave. My answer: nothing. If we have truly been friends, then you know I have given you everything I can give. If you'd like to talk with me at length, or spend a night at dinner or havea drink with me, I'd be honored and I'd love to. I'm not going to write any sappy letters, no livejournal posts with each person and their contributions to my life, none of that stuff. I'm open enough to know that I've told you all how I feel about having you in my life.
The future is not a happy or sad time. The future is what I will make it, or what you will make of it. I can only hope that you will fill it with moments of life that give you bliss as I plan to.